Friday, April 07, 2006

Shock and Disbelief

I am in shock right now. I am waiting for it to turn into tears, but it hasn't yet. You'd think someone died, and in a way someone has. I can't even express the utter disbelief I am feeling right now.

One of my dearest friends accused me of stealing prescription drugs from her. She claims there is no other explanation for the missing pills. I was the only one who could have taken them. The way she describes it, it truly does point to me. But there's a missing link somewhere. I don't know what happened, but I know I had nothing to do with it. I do know that Truth always prevails in the end, and that is my only defense at this point.

This is a person who said she always saw my true Being. She saw my Spirit. But if she really did, she'd know that I am incapable of stealing. I am beginning to wonder if she wanted to end the friendship, and that was the only way she knew how. Or she did something with the pills and doesn't remember. The details are not important. The loss is what I feel. I don't see how we can possibly remain friends, not like we were, even when she does find those pills. I would be on guard all the time, making sure I had no opportunity to steal anything from her. Being falsely accused is the worst, and I will never be in that position again! This whole thing sickens me. I regret being so candid with her about my teen years, when I did steal (among many other things). I regret trusting her as much as I did. I trusted her with my life. I did not see this coming. I thought I knew her, this sweet, humble, meek, unassuming friend! She's probably the sweetest person I have ever met, and anyone else would say the same. This is so LEFT FIELD! It hurts so much I can't stand it. I feel incredibly betrayed, among other things.

Then last night I had a dream about my mother. My sister was throwing a party, and my mother was there. She refused to look at me. I finally got in her face and said, "Why won't you look at me?" She said, "Because from what I know about MS, we can't move forward in our relationship because there is no cure." I waved my arms, jumped up and down, and screamed, "Quit treating me like I am already dead! Look! I'm alive! I will most likely outlive you!" She just looked away. I started to tell her some facts about MS, then I stopped, knowing it was futile. That's when I woke up.

My mother hasn't contacted me since I told her I had MS two months ago. That's no dream.

Can we start that pity party now? I feel like I am losing everything in my life that is important to me. Even my sister got a job with IBM that starts in a couple weeks. We both know she won't be around anymore. She will be traveling more than ever, and her job is way too demanding to have as much free time as she had with her last job. We're going out next week for one of our last sister nights before she starts her job.

Those are the major losses in my life right now, but there are several minor ones, too. It is the theme of my life right now, and it's hard not to fall into self-pity or self-reproach.

But I remember that I do create my own reality. For some reason it's time for me to disconnect. It's time for me to know that I can stand in my own power and thrive. The drama is leaving. I even found Miracle's parents a good home. They were adding to the stress, and I was beginning to resent them for being so out of control. Now I have Miracle and Angel, and at least things are settling in my own home.

It's obviously time for a clearing. Something good is in store for me. I've known this for quite a while now, I just don't know what or when. It's a strong enough feeling to keep me in a path of Hope. I would not create all these losses just to torture myself. Not at this point in my life anyway. I TRUST myself, even if nobody else does. I know at a higher level I am creating something very good, and I just need to walk through this experience to experience what's coming.

I cling to any morsel of progress I can find. One thing I've noticed is the way I am handling all this is far different than I would have before. I would have been suicidal long before now. The MS diagnosis alone would have brought me to that point, not to mention everything that has followed. But I explored suicide a year ago. I explored it to its depths. I even joined online groups that help people decide the best method. But when I came that close to following through, I realized how utterly stupid that would have been. I'd never reached that point before. Suicide had always been an option for me. But things have changed. I have changed. Suicide isn't an option anymore. That is the biggest difference I see in myself this past year.

We are living in intense times right now, the end times, and it's the most exciting time to be alive. That's all I'll say about that right now because this is getting way too long and I don't want to lose all my readers!

If you've stayed with me this far, thank you :o)

6 comments:

robin said...

many many hugs. betrayal is such a horrible feeling. i want to scoop you in my arms and let you cry or just hold you til some of the pain leaves. we have been on a pth and i am wondering if t's not the same one for there is some reason we met. if you ever need or want to, feel free to write me in private. for now i offer you my spirit. may you find peace.
robin

pb said...

Always remember that suicide is not an option. It's a final solution to a temporary problem. It is more important to explore just what (false) promise suicide offers. Then take it from there.

An end to your troubles? That is why we have professionals. Doctors, social workers, therapists and psychiatrists. Even credit counselors and advice columnists.

I, too, was falsely accused. I was quite a bit younger, but it has stayed with me all these years. To this day, I still don't know who accused me. That person remained anonymous, and I was not the person who wronged her. We will never meet, we will never be able to forgive and forget. Life is like that sometimes.

As for your mother and Multiple Sclerosis: when you have leveled off and can manage your symptoms, you will be able to approach her again, only one who is not so needy (needful?) The problem is hers. You must take care of yourself, and try to live as normal a life as you can. While MS is not one of those things included in the saying, "This, too, will pass," it can become simply a problem you will have under control.

My mother feels terribly guilty about my diagnosis. She remembers me sleeping away entire weekends and days, while working as a teenager. She found my first job when I was thirteen. Now she seems to regret seeing and not understanding how tired, and unwell I always was. Hey. I still am, but now I know what it is and IT IS MANAGEBLE. That's so much less scary.

My website may be rather repetitive, but this was my introductory post:

http://mscompanion.blogspot.com/2005/06/you-dont-have-to-be-polite.html

I've met so many people through the MSCompanion.

Nice to meet you, too.

Bob said...

Hey Jayme, You have a journey ahead of you that will be both good and bad. It is one I relate to. Surround yourself with those who will support. Let time heal the tiff with your friend. Forgive and the healing starts. Thanks for visiting my blog. Many will shy away when they learn of a disability. I learned through much pain not to share mine to readilly. Will follow your life as you follow mine. Peace, Bob

mdmhvonpa said...

Sorry to hear that your life has been shaken so badly at a time when you need consistency. It seems that the facade of friendship and love falls quickly when times get rough. At least the core of your remaining support group has shown to be true.

Jaime said...

I am so sorry you are having a tough time of it. It was not all that long ago when I got my diagnosis. It can create so many emotions...you must take it day by day. There will be good and bad, and please remember there are a whole group of us here for you. If you ever need anything, please just let me know.
Jaime

Jayme said...

You all are incredible! Thank you so much for your comments and support! It means more than you know. I am in awe right now!