Sunday, May 14, 2006

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there in cyberspace and in my own backyard. This is a special Mother's Day for me this year. My mother called me a couple weeks ago. It was the first I'd heard from her since I told her I was diagnosed with MS. I thought she had disowned me, and I wrote her that in an email. I think that's why she called but she said it wasn't. Then she apologized for putting me though that. She assured me it wasn't intentional, and I believe her, but she kept apologizing anyway. It felt good. She's never apologized before, and her apologies went so much deeper than about her not contacting me after the diagnosis. She is dissociative like me, so I can imagine her reading my email then immediately blocking it out. That's just her. This conversation was special, unlike any we'd ever had. I felt like the newborn in me bonded for the first time ever with her mother. I also realized I am my own best mother, and I am a damn good one (to my surprise). If it weren't for my diagnosis, I would never had known that about myself. But I am a 24/7 mom, which is impossible for anyone else but me.

My mom and I talked a lot about motherhood. We talked about a lot of things. I saw her in a different way that day. I saw her as a person, a peer. Not as a woman who should be this or that way because she carries the role of "mother." She is just another person trying to survive in this heavy, intense, and often painful world. The truth is, my mother has been through more than I can even imagine. She is a strong woman, and she has held it together through everything. The compassion I feel for her is unlike anything I'd felt for her before. I admire her as a woman even more than a mother. I admire myself as a mother! So happy Mother's Day to us both!

After our talk, I cried for two days straight. I know it was all my inner children who have been looking for a mother their entire lives. And they were crying of relief that their mother is always there now. Always. They are safe. They are me, and I am trustworthy, capable, and responsible. This was among the most healing times of my life.

When I sat down to write, I had no idea what I'd be writing about. This just poured out. I hope everyone reading this will remember and recognize their mother within. Everyone has inner children who are still crying over their boo boo's.

I have many external mothers, too. My mom had 11 brothers and sisters, mostly sisters, and they have all played surrogate mom to me throughout my life. Big shout out to Robin, who is one of the strongest mothers I know. And Donna Manning, who knows what it really means to mother birds. My friend Ellis in MN who just had twins - KUDOS! I can't wait to see them in July! And my best friend Jodie in MN, as well as my sister Jody are wonderful mothers!!! As far as I am concerned, if you take care of yourself, you are a mother!

Oooh I have so much more to say, but I think I will go ahead and close for now. I will be uploading a new video I shot at the Georgia Aquarium! I think it may be my best yet. So if you haven't been to the largest aquarium in the world, you'll want to stay tuned!


1 comment:

Donna said...

Sweet Jayme, thank you for mentioning me in your blog and, yes, I do very much love my birds and my sweet doves. Birds live in just the moment. They make the most of every situation that comes upon them, even when horrible people lock them away and totally forget about them. They don't have a secret agenda or pay-backs they want to render. They're sweet and live every moment as it comes. They have a good time until they stop breathing and they don't spent time worrying about their mortality. Life has a way of slamming doors in our faces, but many times windows fly open in their stead. You are like a precious sweet dove, Jayme. You have chosen to live in the moment, take life as it comes to you and make the most of it. Instead of thinking of your mortality, you choose to think about living and, rather than having a secret agenda, you are who you are and prefer to just be yourself. That's why I love you and wish others were more like you. Life has taught you to look for the windows. I'm proud to know you. Love, Donna