Tuesday, May 02, 2006

The Void

I wish I had something wonderful and exciting to write, but I don't. I am in a Void. This is freedom like I've never had before. I have friends, but I notice that I can't spend too much time with any one of them. I'm a loner. I've always been a loner at heart, and now I can embrace that side of myself rather than feel guilty for "isolating." I hate that word! It was used often when I was in the mental health system, especially when I was in hospitals. I remember one hospital where I had to share a room with eight women. The room was built for four. The staff would lock the door during the day so none of us could "isolate" alone in that room. They'd rather us be bored to tears in the day room. Anyway, I used to hide under the bed until they locked the door, then I would have the luxury of alone time for hours and hours, until they noticed I was missing.

There's nothing like a mental hospital to drive you insane.

But I digress. I am a loner. And that is OK! It doesn't need to be labeled. It doesn't need to be fixed. I've been this way since birth, ok???

So my social time is limited by choice. Sometimes I don't answer the phone. I rarely answer the door unless it's a package being delivered. So the fact that people have been leaving my life is only a reflection of what I wanted all along. I don't have anyone breathing down my neck to go do something. My time is my own and I am SO SELFISH with it! Finally!!! Meanwhile, the friends I do have already know this about me, and they respect and honor it. Those are true friends. I only have a handful, but that is more than enough.

So what am I doing with all this free time? I should be changing the world or something. But luckily I stopped "shoulding" on myself a long time ago. No, I'm not spending my time changing anything, not even myself. I am who I am! Oooh I just noticed a gray hair. Eeeeeek!

The friend who accused me of stealing from her has never contacted me. I am not counting on that - ever. I'm just glad she ended the friendship while it was still new. Another friend of eight years ended our friendship the same day. Can you believe that? Then I ended another friendship a few days ago. This person would not stop calling me, even after I told her I needed space. Good riddance to all of these people! My BEST friend lives in Minnesota, and she and I already know we have to limit our time together. She calls maybe once a month, but she is someone I would always answer the phone for. In fact, I will be flying out to visit her in July! Booked my flight today! I have another friend in Minnesota who just gave birth to twins. Minnesota Twins! (Sorry, I just had to throw that in)

So, I guess long distance relationships work best for me. I do have a friend who lives in my building but he is highly respectful of my space (after I trained him). I wonder how many other loners are out there who feel guilty about it? Are YOU one of those people? If so, please know that I understand. I've never had anyone tell me that before, not when it comes to alone time.

I tend to attract people who drain me. That chapter in my life is officially over. My radar is way too sensitive to those energy vampires now.

So now what? Void...whatever happens happens. I have no agenda anymore. I just am who I am, and now I am enjoying being me.

Oooooh American Idol is on tonight! Go Taylor Hicks! Or Chris! Or Paris! I like them all this season, but I am predicting that Taylor is going to win. I have a bet going with my Minnesota friend, Jodie. She says Chris will win (and he should, to be honest). The loser has to treat the winner to a Red Lobster feast when I come out there in July. If Chris wins, I will be happy anyway because then I'll know that American Idol is more about talent than having a huge fan base. That's not to say Taylor isn't talented! I love that guy! But Chris is technically better than anyone, and that seems so obvious to me.

One day I will give up all my addictions. TV is one of them. The computer is another. I wonder what life would be like addiction-free. Is anyone reading this 100% free of addictions? I seriously doubt it, but anything is possible!

Okay, the rambling is over. I actually had a lot to say, but my mind went blank when I started to write. Oh well. It's all part of being in the Void. :o)


robin said...


we contine to be alike. i too am a loner and had to let go of people who drain me. it not selfish, it's healthy! not long ago someone i thought was my friend accused me of being stagnant along with other things then said she was sorry for taking her anger out on me and not the person to whom it was intended. it was the last straw for me but she doesn't understans and put the blame back on me. we don't isolate, we are loners who are content. i wonder if you ever took a profile test to see what personality type you are. i think i know and it's like mine. it's about time we live our lives the way we should and we worked hard to be good to ourselves, finally. if you ever want to write use my email adress instead of the groups. i know walking the red road has been the best thing i have ever done besides deciding to live. many hugs and much happiness.



Bob said...

Good to hear you writing. I was always a loner because I was the kid everyone beat up and picked on. I don't think loner is the right term for me. I'm just picky about who I let in and keep my circle small. The friends I do have are generally trustworthy but I have learned I need to be forgiving but that has limits.
Addictions? I have had many but got rid of the ones that were destroying my life. I kicked heroin, cigs, and others I won't get into. What I know is I don't like to be a slave to anything. I need to be in control and to be able to say "no"
Your profile says you do internet stuff. Can you put together a book as a website with music and vidios? Bob