Shock and Disbelief

I am in shock right now. I am waiting for it to turn into tears, but it hasn't yet. You'd think someone died, and in a way someone has. I can't even express the utter disbelief I am feeling right now.

One of my dearest friends accused me of stealing prescription drugs from her. She claims there is no other explanation for the missing pills. I was the only one who could have taken them. The way she describes it, it truly does point to me. But there's a missing link somewhere. I don't know what happened, but I know I had nothing to do with it. I do know that Truth always prevails in the end, and that is my only defense at this point.

This is a person who said she always saw my true Being. She saw my Spirit. But if she really did, she'd know that I am incapable of stealing. I am beginning to wonder if she wanted to end the friendship, and that was the only way she knew how. Or she did something with the pills and doesn't remember. The details are not important. The loss is what I feel. I don't see how we can possibly remain friends, not like we were, even when she does find those pills. I would be on guard all the time, making sure I had no opportunity to steal anything from her. Being falsely accused is the worst, and I will never be in that position again! This whole thing sickens me. I regret being so candid with her about my teen years, when I did steal (among many other things). I regret trusting her as much as I did. I trusted her with my life. I did not see this coming. I thought I knew her, this sweet, humble, meek, unassuming friend! She's probably the sweetest person I have ever met, and anyone else would say the same. This is so LEFT FIELD! It hurts so much I can't stand it. I feel incredibly betrayed, among other things.

Then last night I had a dream about my mother. My sister was throwing a party, and my mother was there. She refused to look at me. I finally got in her face and said, "Why won't you look at me?" She said, "Because from what I know about MS, we can't move forward in our relationship because there is no cure." I waved my arms, jumped up and down, and screamed, "Quit treating me like I am already dead! Look! I'm alive! I will most likely outlive you!" She just looked away. I started to tell her some facts about MS, then I stopped, knowing it was futile. That's when I woke up.

My mother hasn't contacted me since I told her I had MS two months ago. That's no dream.

Can we start that pity party now? I feel like I am losing everything in my life that is important to me. Even my sister got a job with IBM that starts in a couple weeks. We both know she won't be around anymore. She will be traveling more than ever, and her job is way too demanding to have as much free time as she had with her last job. We're going out next week for one of our last sister nights before she starts her job.

Those are the major losses in my life right now, but there are several minor ones, too. It is the theme of my life right now, and it's hard not to fall into self-pity or self-reproach.

But I remember that I do create my own reality. For some reason it's time for me to disconnect. It's time for me to know that I can stand in my own power and thrive. The drama is leaving. I even found Miracle's parents a good home. They were adding to the stress, and I was beginning to resent them for being so out of control. Now I have Miracle and Angel, and at least things are settling in my own home.

It's obviously time for a clearing. Something good is in store for me. I've known this for quite a while now, I just don't know what or when. It's a strong enough feeling to keep me in a path of Hope. I would not create all these losses just to torture myself. Not at this point in my life anyway. I TRUST myself, even if nobody else does. I know at a higher level I am creating something very good, and I just need to walk through this experience to experience what's coming.

I cling to any morsel of progress I can find. One thing I've noticed is the way I am handling all this is far different than I would have before. I would have been suicidal long before now. The MS diagnosis alone would have brought me to that point, not to mention everything that has followed. But I explored suicide a year ago. I explored it to its depths. I even joined online groups that help people decide the best method. But when I came that close to following through, I realized how utterly stupid that would have been. I'd never reached that point before. Suicide had always been an option for me. But things have changed. I have changed. Suicide isn't an option anymore. That is the biggest difference I see in myself this past year.

We are living in intense times right now, the end times, and it's the most exciting time to be alive. That's all I'll say about that right now because this is getting way too long and I don't want to lose all my readers!

If you've stayed with me this far, thank you :o)