Thursday, July 27, 2006
Goin' Back
I just got back from my trip to MN. I captured so much footage, it will take two videos to cover the highlights! The theme of this video is children and pets. I was surrounded by both everywhere I went. It was great! The soundtrack is a rare pre-Queen recording of Freddie Mercury. He must have been in his early twenties when he recorded it. Very vintage sounding. The kids in the video are Jodie's girls, Emily and Sarah. Also featured are Ellis's babies, Logan and Parker (the MN Twins), and their big brother Evan. I have watched Evan grow up on the videos Ellis sent me, but this was the first time I got to meet him! Very special weekend :o)
I hope everyone is doing well. I love hearing from you!
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Psychiatry is not a real job!
This was the video EM, Sue, and I took the afternoon Miracle and Sam died. We were mostly letting off steam and laughing until it hurt. We had cried enough that day.
This is also the video that will be the first in our new project. I will post the blog link here when I have it ready, and I will be cross-posting to both blogs (so you won't miss anything).
This project will be about mental health recovery. We will be dispelling the myths surrounding mental illness. We will be blowing the minds of some people (who I will not mention here). We will be using podcasts and video to speak out about the oppression our peers face every day because they have a "mental illness".
We have all been told we were hopeless. We have been in the back wards. We have seen and experienced agony that most people can't imagine. There was a time when we had no voice. That time is over. We now have the Internet!
We'll be doing interviews with leaders in the mental health consumer/survivor movement. We'll be making fun videos like this one. We'll be making serious videos, too.
The doctors said we were incurable. They drugged us up. For some, it helped. For others, it made things worse. But psychiatry is the only profession that can force patients into taking powerful drugs that they know are making them worse.
It's not all doomsday, though. We DO recover. Some of us are cured! Many of us are simply artists who live and think outside the box. All of us have immeasurable potential. My hope is to get the message across to everyone who cares about the truth.
So that is the project in a nutshell. The idea came to me at 3:00 in the morning, and I've been obsessing ever since. I feel so driven to do this. I want to bring more people in, too. With this project, there is room for anyone who wants to speak out about mental health recovery.
This blog is quickly becoming a mish mash. Bring it on!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Death of a Miracle
This morning I realized that I had not told you anything about what happened to Miracle, so that's what this post is about. It's a sad story.
Monday I was in a rush to meet EM and Sue. I had woke up that morning at 3:00 AM with an idea for all three of us, and I couldn't wait to share it with them. I said my goodbyes to Miracle and Angel, and spent the day with EM and Sue talking about my idea (which I will share later). Sue was grieving for her cat, Sam, because she would be put to sleep the next morning. Sam was her best friend of 15 years. EM and I did all we could to comfort Sue and help watch over Sam to keep this beautiful cat as comfortable as possible on her final night.
I came home later that evening and immediately looked for my birds. I don't cage them, which is probably the stupidest thing on earth, but I can't STAND to see my birds caged. This stems from all the years I spent in psychiatric hospitals, often locked in a tiny room called "seclusion" for being "bad." Once I spent a week in one of those rooms, and that was enough for me to think about how birds must feel in a cage. I am probably wrong about how they feel, but I just know I can't stand to cage my birds! So I have trained Angel over the last ten years to keep herself safe when I am gone. Angel had been "mentoring" Miracle (who never spent more than an hour in a cage -- and that was to take him outside), and Miracle was following Angel everywhere, mimicking everything Angel did.
I came home and saw Angel right away. But Miracle was missing. I looked and looked and could not stop looking. I was in a panic. After an hour or so, I realized the only place I hadn't looked was behind the refrigerator. The adrenaline rushing through me allowed me to pull the refrigerator away from the wall with amazing strength. That's when I saw Miracle. I thought he was okay at first and just waiting for me to find him. I was SO HAPPY he was okay! But when I picked him up, he was limp and barely able to move.
I laid him on my bedside table and watched over him all night. Every time he moved, I would wake up from my twilight sleep and tell him I loved him more than anything in the world. I honestly thought that if he made it through the night, he would recover. I also knew of the possibility he would not make it. He was so tiny.
That was a long night for both me and Sue and EM and Miracle and Sam. I didn't call EM or Sue that night, and I hadn't planned on calling them the next day. I knew that EM and Sue were putting Sam to sleep, and I didn't want to take away from Sue's experience.
In the morning, I moved Miracle to a towel at the bottom of his cage. I checked on him every few minutes. I could tell that, even though he made it through the night, he was still dying. That's when I told him to please go. I would be okay. Angel would be okay. His suffering was too horrible to allow to continue. The phone rang right at that point. It was Sue. She immediately knew something was wrong, and I cried for the first time since it all began. I don't remember what I said except, "Miracle is dying!"
The next thing I knew, both EM and Sue were on their way over. I went to check on Miracle again, and he had just died. His little body was still warm but Miracle was gone. The phone rang again right at that point. It was Sue telling me they were on their way upstairs. It took them maybe 5 minutes to get here from EM's, and Miracle had died during that time.
The three of us cried together for what seemed like hours. It probaby was. I'd lost all sense of time by then.
We wrapped Miracle's body in his towel, and we buried him in EM's yard. The hardest part was carrying him in the towel to his grave. I am still crying over that one. He was just a baby, for godsake! He was supposed to have a good, long life! HE WAS MY BABY!!! HE WAS MY BABY!!!
I went home to be with Angel for a while, and then the three of us got together later that afternoon to shoot video at a Home Depot parking lot, of all places. I'll be posting that video within the next few days. It was an amazing day, one that words really can't describe in a blog or anywhere else. The implications of that day, the day when our beloved pets died within a couple hours of each other, the day we all grieved together, are beyond description. Something very tragic and beautiful happened for all of us. There was a shift within each of us. We all felt it. We also have a new friendship we'd never had before with each other. Nothing is more precious or sacred. I need to quit writing. There are no more words beyond what I have written.
Thank you, readers, for finding love in your heart for a baby white dove named Miracle. He will be dearly missed.
Monday I was in a rush to meet EM and Sue. I had woke up that morning at 3:00 AM with an idea for all three of us, and I couldn't wait to share it with them. I said my goodbyes to Miracle and Angel, and spent the day with EM and Sue talking about my idea (which I will share later). Sue was grieving for her cat, Sam, because she would be put to sleep the next morning. Sam was her best friend of 15 years. EM and I did all we could to comfort Sue and help watch over Sam to keep this beautiful cat as comfortable as possible on her final night.
I came home later that evening and immediately looked for my birds. I don't cage them, which is probably the stupidest thing on earth, but I can't STAND to see my birds caged. This stems from all the years I spent in psychiatric hospitals, often locked in a tiny room called "seclusion" for being "bad." Once I spent a week in one of those rooms, and that was enough for me to think about how birds must feel in a cage. I am probably wrong about how they feel, but I just know I can't stand to cage my birds! So I have trained Angel over the last ten years to keep herself safe when I am gone. Angel had been "mentoring" Miracle (who never spent more than an hour in a cage -- and that was to take him outside), and Miracle was following Angel everywhere, mimicking everything Angel did.
I came home and saw Angel right away. But Miracle was missing. I looked and looked and could not stop looking. I was in a panic. After an hour or so, I realized the only place I hadn't looked was behind the refrigerator. The adrenaline rushing through me allowed me to pull the refrigerator away from the wall with amazing strength. That's when I saw Miracle. I thought he was okay at first and just waiting for me to find him. I was SO HAPPY he was okay! But when I picked him up, he was limp and barely able to move.
I laid him on my bedside table and watched over him all night. Every time he moved, I would wake up from my twilight sleep and tell him I loved him more than anything in the world. I honestly thought that if he made it through the night, he would recover. I also knew of the possibility he would not make it. He was so tiny.
That was a long night for both me and Sue and EM and Miracle and Sam. I didn't call EM or Sue that night, and I hadn't planned on calling them the next day. I knew that EM and Sue were putting Sam to sleep, and I didn't want to take away from Sue's experience.
In the morning, I moved Miracle to a towel at the bottom of his cage. I checked on him every few minutes. I could tell that, even though he made it through the night, he was still dying. That's when I told him to please go. I would be okay. Angel would be okay. His suffering was too horrible to allow to continue. The phone rang right at that point. It was Sue. She immediately knew something was wrong, and I cried for the first time since it all began. I don't remember what I said except, "Miracle is dying!"
The next thing I knew, both EM and Sue were on their way over. I went to check on Miracle again, and he had just died. His little body was still warm but Miracle was gone. The phone rang again right at that point. It was Sue telling me they were on their way upstairs. It took them maybe 5 minutes to get here from EM's, and Miracle had died during that time.
The three of us cried together for what seemed like hours. It probaby was. I'd lost all sense of time by then.
We wrapped Miracle's body in his towel, and we buried him in EM's yard. The hardest part was carrying him in the towel to his grave. I am still crying over that one. He was just a baby, for godsake! He was supposed to have a good, long life! HE WAS MY BABY!!! HE WAS MY BABY!!!
I went home to be with Angel for a while, and then the three of us got together later that afternoon to shoot video at a Home Depot parking lot, of all places. I'll be posting that video within the next few days. It was an amazing day, one that words really can't describe in a blog or anywhere else. The implications of that day, the day when our beloved pets died within a couple hours of each other, the day we all grieved together, are beyond description. Something very tragic and beautiful happened for all of us. There was a shift within each of us. We all felt it. We also have a new friendship we'd never had before with each other. Nothing is more precious or sacred. I need to quit writing. There are no more words beyond what I have written.
Thank you, readers, for finding love in your heart for a baby white dove named Miracle. He will be dearly missed.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Little Five Points
My friend E.M. lives at Little Five Points. How awesome is that? I love the bohemian aura surrounding the area. This video is a bit different from my others. Maybe a bit more artsy fartsy.
E.M. caught the same video bug I have! So we went out yesterday just to capture video scenes that we could later edit into something meaningful. This was my edit. I'll point you to E.M.'s when she is ready. Right now I'm in a rush to get this posted before I leave. I'll write more later!
E.M. caught the same video bug I have! So we went out yesterday just to capture video scenes that we could later edit into something meaningful. This was my edit. I'll point you to E.M.'s when she is ready. Right now I'm in a rush to get this posted before I leave. I'll write more later!
Monday, July 03, 2006
Back from Iraq!
Brian is back from Iraq and was discharged from the military! Brian is my nephew, Jody's son, and he just turned 22. Jody and her hubby just re-finished their basement, and this was their first party that extended to the basement. It was actually like having many parties in one house. Every room in the house was filled. Jody always throws the best parties, and this was no exception.
As for Brian, he just wants to have fun. I don't blame him one bit! I'm just glad he's home.
BRING THE BOYS BACK HOME!!!
As for Brian, he just wants to have fun. I don't blame him one bit! I'm just glad he's home.
BRING THE BOYS BACK HOME!!!
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Gay Pride 2006
Demetrius and I went to the Pride Parade in Atlanta on June 25, 2006. No, I'm not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that, hee hee) but I have been in the gay scene since I was a teenager. I am 100% supportive of gay issues, and going to the parade was wonderful! Even the downpour was fun! I have never been caught outdoors during such a major rain storm in my life! But it actually made the day perfect.
I'd like to see more footage of Gay Pride weekend around the country. If you know of another video, please direct me to it. I'd really appreciate it!
I'd like to see more footage of Gay Pride weekend around the country. If you know of another video, please direct me to it. I'd really appreciate it!
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Sister Night
It seems like forever since my last post. Hi all!!! I'll post more often from now on! (Of course I said that a few months ago). Anyway, life has just been good. I've decided that this is the time my Higher Self set up for me to just get into a healthy routine and have fun with everything else. No drama. No sense of dread when I wake up in the morning. No stress. Just breathing and enjoying life without worry. Ahhhhhhh...
So this video is about fun. Sister night is whenever Jody and I go out. Sometimes we invite others to join us, but most of the time, it's just the two of us catching up. We've done this for ten years! On this night, we invited Sherri and Karla to go with us. Sherri is like a sister. She may as well be! She and Jody have been inseparable since they were in their early teens!
Karla has become more like a sister than a goddaughter to me lately. We just have a blast together! She'd never gone out for sister night before, so this was a real treat for her. Afterward, her ride home got lost trying to get here, then he disappeared. I still don't know what happened to him. So Karla spent the night with me and I took her home on Marta the next morning.
It was just one of those nights you feel good about the next day. The goodness, the "rightness" lingers on. The four of us had never been out before even though I consider both Karla and Sherri my family. They never met until tonight. The whole evening was very unique.
So this video is about fun. Sister night is whenever Jody and I go out. Sometimes we invite others to join us, but most of the time, it's just the two of us catching up. We've done this for ten years! On this night, we invited Sherri and Karla to go with us. Sherri is like a sister. She may as well be! She and Jody have been inseparable since they were in their early teens!
Karla has become more like a sister than a goddaughter to me lately. We just have a blast together! She'd never gone out for sister night before, so this was a real treat for her. Afterward, her ride home got lost trying to get here, then he disappeared. I still don't know what happened to him. So Karla spent the night with me and I took her home on Marta the next morning.
It was just one of those nights you feel good about the next day. The goodness, the "rightness" lingers on. The four of us had never been out before even though I consider both Karla and Sherri my family. They never met until tonight. The whole evening was very unique.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Best Friends
This will probably be the last dove video I make for a while. The next one will be when they are the same size. Will you be able to tell them apart? So far, I can. Miracle is still a lot smaller than Angel. He follows Angel everywhere, too. Watching these birds is the best meditation I've found so far.
Angel is 10 years old, and Miracle is almost 5 months. Enjoy!
Click picture to watch video.
Angel is 10 years old, and Miracle is almost 5 months. Enjoy!
Click picture to watch video.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
06/06/06
Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am into numbers. My favorite number is 333. I see certain numbers all the time, either on a digital clock, a license plate, a phone number, an ad, just anywhere. The numbers are 111, 222, 333, 444, or 555. Also 1010, 1111, or 1212. Never 666. Hmmmmm. I wonder why that is.
Today, according to mass consciousness, it is 06/06/06 (and The Omen premieres)! But it's really not 06/06/06 today, not according to numerology. The year 2004 translates to the number 6 by adding the digits together. The real 06/06/06 happened on June 6, 2004 and June 15, 2004 and June 24, 2004, and no one even noticed!
This year, 2006, translates to the number 8. So today is June 6 in the year of 8. The days to watch this year would be August 8, 2006 or August 17, 2006 or August 26, 2006. (All translate to 888). Next year the days to watch will be Sept. 9, 2007 or Sept 18, 2007 or Sept 27, 2007. All are 999 days. Very powerful numbers. Probably the most powerful of any combination.
I do believe we are headed toward something. I don't know what that is for sure, but I see it as "the shift." I see the shift as a global awakening, where everyone will become keenly aware of everything they say and do. No more secrets from ourselves or others. For some, it will be no biggie because they already know themselves well. Others will be getting too much information, and it could be uncomfortable.
I don't think the world will end, but I do believe it will change. And it's something to look forward to! I'm so tired of corrupt institutions that aren't even aware how archaic they are. The educational system, for one. All bureaucracies for another -- and that covers a lot! Organized religion is another huge one. I'm not talking about any certain religion, but organized religions seem to serve themselves more than they do their congregations. Poverty, hunger, and AIDS have become so intolerable, nobody will be able to look away anymore. All corruption will be exposed, and in the end, nobody but the system itself will be held accountable. Of course there will be individuals involved, but it's the system they are using that allows for such corruption. There are loopholes in everything! But as global awakening happens, all of these things, fully exposed, will naturally fall away. A new society will be slowly rebuilt to reflect the new awakening.
Those are my current "end of the world" predictions. I reserve the right to change them as things unfold :o)
Happy 06/06/06 everyone! I can play along. Boo!
Today, according to mass consciousness, it is 06/06/06 (and The Omen premieres)! But it's really not 06/06/06 today, not according to numerology. The year 2004 translates to the number 6 by adding the digits together. The real 06/06/06 happened on June 6, 2004 and June 15, 2004 and June 24, 2004, and no one even noticed!
This year, 2006, translates to the number 8. So today is June 6 in the year of 8. The days to watch this year would be August 8, 2006 or August 17, 2006 or August 26, 2006. (All translate to 888). Next year the days to watch will be Sept. 9, 2007 or Sept 18, 2007 or Sept 27, 2007. All are 999 days. Very powerful numbers. Probably the most powerful of any combination.
I do believe we are headed toward something. I don't know what that is for sure, but I see it as "the shift." I see the shift as a global awakening, where everyone will become keenly aware of everything they say and do. No more secrets from ourselves or others. For some, it will be no biggie because they already know themselves well. Others will be getting too much information, and it could be uncomfortable.
I don't think the world will end, but I do believe it will change. And it's something to look forward to! I'm so tired of corrupt institutions that aren't even aware how archaic they are. The educational system, for one. All bureaucracies for another -- and that covers a lot! Organized religion is another huge one. I'm not talking about any certain religion, but organized religions seem to serve themselves more than they do their congregations. Poverty, hunger, and AIDS have become so intolerable, nobody will be able to look away anymore. All corruption will be exposed, and in the end, nobody but the system itself will be held accountable. Of course there will be individuals involved, but it's the system they are using that allows for such corruption. There are loopholes in everything! But as global awakening happens, all of these things, fully exposed, will naturally fall away. A new society will be slowly rebuilt to reflect the new awakening.
Those are my current "end of the world" predictions. I reserve the right to change them as things unfold :o)
Happy 06/06/06 everyone! I can play along. Boo!
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Violent Family
I have a unique relationship with Karla and her family. I've known them for 14 years. When I lived in Arkansas in 1992, I had exhausted all my resources and found myself homeless, so I called my sister in Woodstock, GA. She immediately invited me to fly to GA and move in with her until I could live on my own again. Within a week, I found an ad in the paper for a live-in nanny for Karla, who was two at the time. I moved in the following day, meeting Darlene (Karla's mother) for the first time. I was there for about a year, then I moved into a personal care home to work with Alzheimer's patients, but I kept in touch with Karla's family. We've had our ups and downs, but recently Darlene offered to help me with my MS. She is a Reiki Master and has powerful intuitive abilities. She also works at a health food store, where I get the supplements she suggests. She is doing this for me on a weekly basis at no cost. Needless to say, we are friends once again, and the connection is still there, stronger than ever. I never thought that was possible. I am so thrilled!!!
Darlene's ex-husband died about 4 years ago. His name was Jim Brice, who was at the forefront of the mental health consumer movement at the time. I helped him open Georgia's first drop-in center for mental health consumers. We were great friends, and I introduced him to Darlene. They fell in love and got married shortly afterward. I even went to their weddings -- and I don't do weddings! They had a son (born at home) named Alex. He's 8 years old now (I think). He looks just like Jim, and he's a great kid!
So the family consists of Darlene, Karla, and Alex. There's also Kenny, who I met recently, and he and Karla have a very interesting relationship. They are very close friends. This video shows the day I got my first Reiki session with Darlene. I hope you enjoy it even though violence is the theme. They really aren't violent, but I couldn't resist making this video.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Go Taylor Hicks!
Go Taylor! I know he's going to win American Idol, and I am going to win a Red Lobster dinner! Both he and Katherine had a bad night last night, I thought, but Taylor still pulled it off. Unfortunately, Katherine bombed. It would have been better if she had sung "Over the Rainbow" much earlier in the season, but she had just sung it last week! And again last night! It was good, of course, but it was really her only "memorable" song of the season. I don't think she should be standing in the top two. Chris should be there! I'm glad Taylor is there, though. Only a few hours before the red carpet show, then the elimination show begins! Sorry to bore you non-American Idol fans, but I had to say my piece, and there you have it. American Idol will be over after tonight! Eeeeek! Whatever shall I do on Tuesday and Wednesday nights? Maybe some of the things I've been procrastinating.
I decided today that I would get some things done. Laundry was one of them. I just got back from the laundry room. It is not a good day to do laundry. The three working washers are being used, and there's a long line for when they finish.
That's kind of been my day today. Earlier I decided to take the birds out on the porch for some fresh air and sunlight, right? Nope. Just as I got my birds settled in their cage and out on the porch, the maintenance crew decided to wash down the porch. They were using these loud machines, and they had a yellow caution strip by the door. It looked like a crime scene. So I took my birds back home.
So I thought it was time to write in my blog. Not a whole lot is happening right now, which is wonderful! I feel so free! I wake up in the morning and nothing is pulling at me. No appointments unless I am the one making them. Tomorrow I am going to Karla's where her mom will do Reiki on me. She has always been a wealth of information when it comes to nutrition and holistic medicine. She and Karla both work at the health food store, and Karla is becoming just like her mother in that area. I learn so much from both of them. So tomorrow will be a fun day!
Speaking of nutrition, I just got a new book the other day, and I can't put it down! It's 20 years old but way ahead of its time. It's called "Fit for Life" by Harvey and Marilyn Diamond. (Read the reviews at Amazon!) It's mostly about eating high-water content foods (like fruits and veggies) and proper food combining. Wow - did you know that raw, ground sesame seeds have more calcium than any other food? Anyway, the book says to eat fruits or fruit juice until noon. Always eat fruits by themselves and on an empty stomach. Use proper food combining throughout the day until 8pm, and stop eating after 8pm. The book explains so much about the body's cycles and how it digests food. The book teaches how efficient your body really is, especially when you treat it right. I am so inspired to work this program and make it a lifestyle. When a book makes you think logically and use common sense, it's a winner. I highly recommend this book (I got it for a penny plus shipping at Amazon.com)
I will be uploading another aquarium video soon. There are some strange looking creatures in our world. Strange but remarkably beautiful.
I decided today that I would get some things done. Laundry was one of them. I just got back from the laundry room. It is not a good day to do laundry. The three working washers are being used, and there's a long line for when they finish.
That's kind of been my day today. Earlier I decided to take the birds out on the porch for some fresh air and sunlight, right? Nope. Just as I got my birds settled in their cage and out on the porch, the maintenance crew decided to wash down the porch. They were using these loud machines, and they had a yellow caution strip by the door. It looked like a crime scene. So I took my birds back home.
So I thought it was time to write in my blog. Not a whole lot is happening right now, which is wonderful! I feel so free! I wake up in the morning and nothing is pulling at me. No appointments unless I am the one making them. Tomorrow I am going to Karla's where her mom will do Reiki on me. She has always been a wealth of information when it comes to nutrition and holistic medicine. She and Karla both work at the health food store, and Karla is becoming just like her mother in that area. I learn so much from both of them. So tomorrow will be a fun day!
Speaking of nutrition, I just got a new book the other day, and I can't put it down! It's 20 years old but way ahead of its time. It's called "Fit for Life" by Harvey and Marilyn Diamond. (Read the reviews at Amazon!) It's mostly about eating high-water content foods (like fruits and veggies) and proper food combining. Wow - did you know that raw, ground sesame seeds have more calcium than any other food? Anyway, the book says to eat fruits or fruit juice until noon. Always eat fruits by themselves and on an empty stomach. Use proper food combining throughout the day until 8pm, and stop eating after 8pm. The book explains so much about the body's cycles and how it digests food. The book teaches how efficient your body really is, especially when you treat it right. I am so inspired to work this program and make it a lifestyle. When a book makes you think logically and use common sense, it's a winner. I highly recommend this book (I got it for a penny plus shipping at Amazon.com)
I will be uploading another aquarium video soon. There are some strange looking creatures in our world. Strange but remarkably beautiful.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Georgia Aquarium
One of the greatest perks of living here is having the largest aquarium in the world (besides the ocean) in my own backyard. I walk there often, usually in the late afternoon when nobody is there. I have a season pass, so I can go as often as I like, and I do go often! Now that I have a new video camera, you can count on aquarium videos here! This is my first one. I hope you like it!
It's so peaceful to watch how fish live compared to humans. There is no drama or agenda or betrayals. No money or politics or bureaucracy. Fish are just fish, and all they do is be authentic and live peacefully with each other. It's a world that we haven't learned too much from, at least not now. But they are wonderful reminders of how we could live if we wanted to.
It's so peaceful to watch how fish live compared to humans. There is no drama or agenda or betrayals. No money or politics or bureaucracy. Fish are just fish, and all they do is be authentic and live peacefully with each other. It's a world that we haven't learned too much from, at least not now. But they are wonderful reminders of how we could live if we wanted to.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there in cyberspace and in my own backyard. This is a special Mother's Day for me this year. My mother called me a couple weeks ago. It was the first I'd heard from her since I told her I was diagnosed with MS. I thought she had disowned me, and I wrote her that in an email. I think that's why she called but she said it wasn't. Then she apologized for putting me though that. She assured me it wasn't intentional, and I believe her, but she kept apologizing anyway. It felt good. She's never apologized before, and her apologies went so much deeper than about her not contacting me after the diagnosis. She is dissociative like me, so I can imagine her reading my email then immediately blocking it out. That's just her. This conversation was special, unlike any we'd ever had. I felt like the newborn in me bonded for the first time ever with her mother. I also realized I am my own best mother, and I am a damn good one (to my surprise). If it weren't for my diagnosis, I would never had known that about myself. But I am a 24/7 mom, which is impossible for anyone else but me.
My mom and I talked a lot about motherhood. We talked about a lot of things. I saw her in a different way that day. I saw her as a person, a peer. Not as a woman who should be this or that way because she carries the role of "mother." She is just another person trying to survive in this heavy, intense, and often painful world. The truth is, my mother has been through more than I can even imagine. She is a strong woman, and she has held it together through everything. The compassion I feel for her is unlike anything I'd felt for her before. I admire her as a woman even more than a mother. I admire myself as a mother! So happy Mother's Day to us both!
After our talk, I cried for two days straight. I know it was all my inner children who have been looking for a mother their entire lives. And they were crying of relief that their mother is always there now. Always. They are safe. They are me, and I am trustworthy, capable, and responsible. This was among the most healing times of my life.
When I sat down to write, I had no idea what I'd be writing about. This just poured out. I hope everyone reading this will remember and recognize their mother within. Everyone has inner children who are still crying over their boo boo's.
I have many external mothers, too. My mom had 11 brothers and sisters, mostly sisters, and they have all played surrogate mom to me throughout my life. Big shout out to Robin, who is one of the strongest mothers I know. And Donna Manning, who knows what it really means to mother birds. My friend Ellis in MN who just had twins - KUDOS! I can't wait to see them in July! And my best friend Jodie in MN, as well as my sister Jody are wonderful mothers!!! As far as I am concerned, if you take care of yourself, you are a mother!
Oooh I have so much more to say, but I think I will go ahead and close for now. I will be uploading a new video I shot at the Georgia Aquarium! I think it may be my best yet. So if you haven't been to the largest aquarium in the world, you'll want to stay tuned!
HAVE A HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!
My mom and I talked a lot about motherhood. We talked about a lot of things. I saw her in a different way that day. I saw her as a person, a peer. Not as a woman who should be this or that way because she carries the role of "mother." She is just another person trying to survive in this heavy, intense, and often painful world. The truth is, my mother has been through more than I can even imagine. She is a strong woman, and she has held it together through everything. The compassion I feel for her is unlike anything I'd felt for her before. I admire her as a woman even more than a mother. I admire myself as a mother! So happy Mother's Day to us both!
After our talk, I cried for two days straight. I know it was all my inner children who have been looking for a mother their entire lives. And they were crying of relief that their mother is always there now. Always. They are safe. They are me, and I am trustworthy, capable, and responsible. This was among the most healing times of my life.
When I sat down to write, I had no idea what I'd be writing about. This just poured out. I hope everyone reading this will remember and recognize their mother within. Everyone has inner children who are still crying over their boo boo's.
I have many external mothers, too. My mom had 11 brothers and sisters, mostly sisters, and they have all played surrogate mom to me throughout my life. Big shout out to Robin, who is one of the strongest mothers I know. And Donna Manning, who knows what it really means to mother birds. My friend Ellis in MN who just had twins - KUDOS! I can't wait to see them in July! And my best friend Jodie in MN, as well as my sister Jody are wonderful mothers!!! As far as I am concerned, if you take care of yourself, you are a mother!
Oooh I have so much more to say, but I think I will go ahead and close for now. I will be uploading a new video I shot at the Georgia Aquarium! I think it may be my best yet. So if you haven't been to the largest aquarium in the world, you'll want to stay tuned!
HAVE A HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
A Day with Karla
Karla is my goddaughter. Not officially, but we both know that I am always here for her. I was her full time nanny when she was 2. Now she's 16 but acts 22. I love hanging out with her. We like doing the simplest things together. Going to Wal-Mart is a must. We also hit Value Village, restaurants, and the health food store where she works. This girl knows more about nutrition than anyone I know. I am so proud of her! I went to see her last week, and took loads of videos. Then I broke my camera AGAIN! But I did not hesitate to find the exact camera on eBay for only $75.00! There something really cool about buying something that used to be expensive until their new model comes along. The camera is great, plus I have all the accessories. So now I am just waiting for it to arrive. Meanwhile, here is a video of our day together.
The dove in the video is Karla's. Karla has always had doves since she was 8 years old. She actually gave me Angel ten years ago! She also gave me CJ and DJ, so in a way, she gave me Miracle! I just know that I probably would have never known the rewards of having doves if it weren't for Karla.
The dove in the video is Karla's. Karla has always had doves since she was 8 years old. She actually gave me Angel ten years ago! She also gave me CJ and DJ, so in a way, she gave me Miracle! I just know that I probably would have never known the rewards of having doves if it weren't for Karla.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Watching the Fights
I feel like one of those new mothers who can't get enough video footage to show everyone they know. But this one is priceless. Really! It shows Miracle (and later, Angel) watching the pigeons fight outside the window. This is a typical morning scene. Please forgive the low quality of the video, but enjoy it anyway!
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
The Void
I wish I had something wonderful and exciting to write, but I don't. I am in a Void. This is freedom like I've never had before. I have friends, but I notice that I can't spend too much time with any one of them. I'm a loner. I've always been a loner at heart, and now I can embrace that side of myself rather than feel guilty for "isolating." I hate that word! It was used often when I was in the mental health system, especially when I was in hospitals. I remember one hospital where I had to share a room with eight women. The room was built for four. The staff would lock the door during the day so none of us could "isolate" alone in that room. They'd rather us be bored to tears in the day room. Anyway, I used to hide under the bed until they locked the door, then I would have the luxury of alone time for hours and hours, until they noticed I was missing.
There's nothing like a mental hospital to drive you insane.
But I digress. I am a loner. And that is OK! It doesn't need to be labeled. It doesn't need to be fixed. I've been this way since birth, ok???
So my social time is limited by choice. Sometimes I don't answer the phone. I rarely answer the door unless it's a package being delivered. So the fact that people have been leaving my life is only a reflection of what I wanted all along. I don't have anyone breathing down my neck to go do something. My time is my own and I am SO SELFISH with it! Finally!!! Meanwhile, the friends I do have already know this about me, and they respect and honor it. Those are true friends. I only have a handful, but that is more than enough.
So what am I doing with all this free time? I should be changing the world or something. But luckily I stopped "shoulding" on myself a long time ago. No, I'm not spending my time changing anything, not even myself. I am who I am! Oooh I just noticed a gray hair. Eeeeeek!
The friend who accused me of stealing from her has never contacted me. I am not counting on that - ever. I'm just glad she ended the friendship while it was still new. Another friend of eight years ended our friendship the same day. Can you believe that? Then I ended another friendship a few days ago. This person would not stop calling me, even after I told her I needed space. Good riddance to all of these people! My BEST friend lives in Minnesota, and she and I already know we have to limit our time together. She calls maybe once a month, but she is someone I would always answer the phone for. In fact, I will be flying out to visit her in July! Booked my flight today! I have another friend in Minnesota who just gave birth to twins. Minnesota Twins! (Sorry, I just had to throw that in)
So, I guess long distance relationships work best for me. I do have a friend who lives in my building but he is highly respectful of my space (after I trained him). I wonder how many other loners are out there who feel guilty about it? Are YOU one of those people? If so, please know that I understand. I've never had anyone tell me that before, not when it comes to alone time.
I tend to attract people who drain me. That chapter in my life is officially over. My radar is way too sensitive to those energy vampires now.
So now what? Void...whatever happens happens. I have no agenda anymore. I just am who I am, and now I am enjoying being me.
Oooooh American Idol is on tonight! Go Taylor Hicks! Or Chris! Or Paris! I like them all this season, but I am predicting that Taylor is going to win. I have a bet going with my Minnesota friend, Jodie. She says Chris will win (and he should, to be honest). The loser has to treat the winner to a Red Lobster feast when I come out there in July. If Chris wins, I will be happy anyway because then I'll know that American Idol is more about talent than having a huge fan base. That's not to say Taylor isn't talented! I love that guy! But Chris is technically better than anyone, and that seems so obvious to me.
One day I will give up all my addictions. TV is one of them. The computer is another. I wonder what life would be like addiction-free. Is anyone reading this 100% free of addictions? I seriously doubt it, but anything is possible!
Okay, the rambling is over. I actually had a lot to say, but my mind went blank when I started to write. Oh well. It's all part of being in the Void. :o)
There's nothing like a mental hospital to drive you insane.
But I digress. I am a loner. And that is OK! It doesn't need to be labeled. It doesn't need to be fixed. I've been this way since birth, ok???
So my social time is limited by choice. Sometimes I don't answer the phone. I rarely answer the door unless it's a package being delivered. So the fact that people have been leaving my life is only a reflection of what I wanted all along. I don't have anyone breathing down my neck to go do something. My time is my own and I am SO SELFISH with it! Finally!!! Meanwhile, the friends I do have already know this about me, and they respect and honor it. Those are true friends. I only have a handful, but that is more than enough.
So what am I doing with all this free time? I should be changing the world or something. But luckily I stopped "shoulding" on myself a long time ago. No, I'm not spending my time changing anything, not even myself. I am who I am! Oooh I just noticed a gray hair. Eeeeeek!
The friend who accused me of stealing from her has never contacted me. I am not counting on that - ever. I'm just glad she ended the friendship while it was still new. Another friend of eight years ended our friendship the same day. Can you believe that? Then I ended another friendship a few days ago. This person would not stop calling me, even after I told her I needed space. Good riddance to all of these people! My BEST friend lives in Minnesota, and she and I already know we have to limit our time together. She calls maybe once a month, but she is someone I would always answer the phone for. In fact, I will be flying out to visit her in July! Booked my flight today! I have another friend in Minnesota who just gave birth to twins. Minnesota Twins! (Sorry, I just had to throw that in)
So, I guess long distance relationships work best for me. I do have a friend who lives in my building but he is highly respectful of my space (after I trained him). I wonder how many other loners are out there who feel guilty about it? Are YOU one of those people? If so, please know that I understand. I've never had anyone tell me that before, not when it comes to alone time.
I tend to attract people who drain me. That chapter in my life is officially over. My radar is way too sensitive to those energy vampires now.
So now what? Void...whatever happens happens. I have no agenda anymore. I just am who I am, and now I am enjoying being me.
Oooooh American Idol is on tonight! Go Taylor Hicks! Or Chris! Or Paris! I like them all this season, but I am predicting that Taylor is going to win. I have a bet going with my Minnesota friend, Jodie. She says Chris will win (and he should, to be honest). The loser has to treat the winner to a Red Lobster feast when I come out there in July. If Chris wins, I will be happy anyway because then I'll know that American Idol is more about talent than having a huge fan base. That's not to say Taylor isn't talented! I love that guy! But Chris is technically better than anyone, and that seems so obvious to me.
One day I will give up all my addictions. TV is one of them. The computer is another. I wonder what life would be like addiction-free. Is anyone reading this 100% free of addictions? I seriously doubt it, but anything is possible!
Okay, the rambling is over. I actually had a lot to say, but my mind went blank when I started to write. Oh well. It's all part of being in the Void. :o)
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Turf Wars
Recently, Miracle has been venturing into the livingroom, Angel's territory. He had been spending his days in my bedroom at the windowsill. But I guess watching pigeons eat and fight became boring to him. Plus, Angel has some interesting stuff! So he's been exploring everything. Angel tolerates it for the most part, but sometimes, he gives Miracle reminders of whose turf it really is.
Click picture to watch video
Click picture to watch video
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
The Miracle of MS
I just realized this morning that Miracle was born the same week I was diagnosed with MS. I will always know his age! I also realized that the timing was no coincidence. The diagnosis of MS has brought many miracles that I am just now beginning to see.
This is my time of disconnecting. People, jobs, situations that no longer serve me are finally gone from my life. I have myself, and that is enough. I could never say that before. I still have a handful of good, quality friends who never expect me to be anyone but who I am, no matter how that is. And I am learning to spot the bad influences while they can still be nipped in the bud. I have been doing a lot of nipping lately.
I have so much time on my hands now, and it's all mine! I can do whatever I want, whenever I choose! In the past, I've always wanted to make more connections, and I would often settle for any kind of people, situations, etc. because I was scared of being alone in the world. I needed to be needed. You know what? I don't have that need anymore! This is freedom!
Another change I see in myself is my appreciation for good food. I used to snarf everything down, not caring about anything but getting full. Now that my choices are so limited, I can appreciate when I come across something tasty. And the creations I've been making! I miss ice cream the most, but I discovered that if you cut up bananas and freeze them, they turn into ice cream after blending in the food processor. You can add walnuts or pecans to make it crunchy. Or do the same thing with frozen grapes. It's like eating a grape slushy. I'm going to try that with strawberries tonight.
I keep hearing about how important green leafy vegetables are in a diet, so I've been trying greens I'd never tried before. Kale is great raw, and mustard greens add the perfect zest to any salad. Turnip greens aren't good raw but I'll keep finding new greens to try. Parsley is a staple, and those bags of lettuce already washed are pouring from my fridge. The dressing is always homemade with olive oil, apple cider vinegar, ground nuts and seeds, and Cheyenne pepper. I'll also throw in some oregano or whatever green spices I have available. Or lemon juice. The ways to make salad dressing are endless. Get creative!
I could write all day about food! I've found some awesome cookies and crackers I can have, and I notice when I eat a lot of natural potato chips, I don't get that sick feeling I used to get with typical chips. I could never go back to my old diet. The world of food is much more vast than I ever imagined, and I am loving the exploration.
I exercise every day for about an hour, sometimes more, sometimes less. I'm losing weight, and I feel so good. None of this would have been possible if I had continued to allow myself to be distracted by all the dramas going on around me. Life is good, and this is just the beginning.
Angel and Miracle had their first bonding moment, and I was able to capture it on video. I'll write more later. Enjoy the video!
Click here to watch video
This is my time of disconnecting. People, jobs, situations that no longer serve me are finally gone from my life. I have myself, and that is enough. I could never say that before. I still have a handful of good, quality friends who never expect me to be anyone but who I am, no matter how that is. And I am learning to spot the bad influences while they can still be nipped in the bud. I have been doing a lot of nipping lately.
I have so much time on my hands now, and it's all mine! I can do whatever I want, whenever I choose! In the past, I've always wanted to make more connections, and I would often settle for any kind of people, situations, etc. because I was scared of being alone in the world. I needed to be needed. You know what? I don't have that need anymore! This is freedom!
Another change I see in myself is my appreciation for good food. I used to snarf everything down, not caring about anything but getting full. Now that my choices are so limited, I can appreciate when I come across something tasty. And the creations I've been making! I miss ice cream the most, but I discovered that if you cut up bananas and freeze them, they turn into ice cream after blending in the food processor. You can add walnuts or pecans to make it crunchy. Or do the same thing with frozen grapes. It's like eating a grape slushy. I'm going to try that with strawberries tonight.
I keep hearing about how important green leafy vegetables are in a diet, so I've been trying greens I'd never tried before. Kale is great raw, and mustard greens add the perfect zest to any salad. Turnip greens aren't good raw but I'll keep finding new greens to try. Parsley is a staple, and those bags of lettuce already washed are pouring from my fridge. The dressing is always homemade with olive oil, apple cider vinegar, ground nuts and seeds, and Cheyenne pepper. I'll also throw in some oregano or whatever green spices I have available. Or lemon juice. The ways to make salad dressing are endless. Get creative!
I could write all day about food! I've found some awesome cookies and crackers I can have, and I notice when I eat a lot of natural potato chips, I don't get that sick feeling I used to get with typical chips. I could never go back to my old diet. The world of food is much more vast than I ever imagined, and I am loving the exploration.
I exercise every day for about an hour, sometimes more, sometimes less. I'm losing weight, and I feel so good. None of this would have been possible if I had continued to allow myself to be distracted by all the dramas going on around me. Life is good, and this is just the beginning.
Angel and Miracle had their first bonding moment, and I was able to capture it on video. I'll write more later. Enjoy the video!
Click here to watch video
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