Sunday, May 20, 2007
Dinner Conversation with Dan Fisher
Dan Fisher is a practicing psychiatrist in Massachusetts who fully recovered from schizophrenia many years ago. He is a walking example of recovery, which is something the mental health system doesn't believe can happen except in rare occasions. People who enter the mental health system with pronounced symptoms are typically given a serious diagnosis and a bleak future. They are told they will be on medication the rest of their lives in order to keep the symptoms stabilized, but that there is no cure for the illness itself. Recovery is unheard of by these newly diagnosed patients, and their future is mapped out by an unbelieving mental health system. I am not exaggerating. This is how it is, and this is something I saw first hand, again, at the Louisiana Peer Support Outreach training. Every person I interviewed said they had been labeled with an incurable mental illness and told they would never recover. Their only hope was to maintain stability by taking medication and participating in day treatment programs, which are designed and run by the same system that diagnosed them. These programs do not teach or expect recovery. They are hospitals without walls.
The thing that struck me the most was that all of these individuals are now in recovery. This happened only after Dan Fisher began his visits with them after Katrina, offered them hope, and introduced the reality of recovery. This is how recovery typically begins.
When people are offered hope and support and encouragement by other people who have recovered, recovery happens all on it own. It just does.
It wouldn't take hundreds of millions of dollars to transform the mental health system. It would take a FREE, NO COST paradigm shift at core levels of the system, starting with medical colleges and universities. If the system itself truly believed in recovery, people would routinely recover. How simple is that?
I get incredibly frustrated when I think about it. Sometimes it makes me cry, especially when I have an experience like I did in Louisiana. This whole concept of recovery hit me over the head like never before. The mental health system in Louisiana is more backward than any other I've seen in this country, yet all it took was Dan Fisher to offer hope to the "hopelessly labeled" for recovery to begin its course. I saw it in each of their faces. I heard it in their stories. It gleamed in their eyes. Hope is a beautiful thing to witness first hand. I'll never forget this trip.
Why is the mental health system so resistant to hope?
Unless hope is instilled at the core level of the system, recovery will not be possible for hundreds of thousands of people - unless they have an encounter with someone who has recovered in spite of the system. It doesn't need to be that way, but it is.
This video is one of my favorites from the Louisiana trip. It's candid and unedited with Dan, Beth, me, and two people from Meaningful Minds, the self-help support network in Louisiana, talking about the terms people adopt to call themselves when they begin to recover and challenge the mental health system. The woman talking is Debra, the executive director of this newly formed organization. We also discuss the chemical imbalance theory of mental illness, which is adopted like religion in the mental health system. It is the primary focus of treatment and prognosis and, most of all, medications. It is highly debatable, as you will see in this video.
I took 106 video clips of my trip. I've just now finished viewing all the footage. I'll be making DVDs to send to the folks in Louisiana as well as to Dan Fisher. The Office of Mental health in Louisiana has also requested a DVD of the footage. Interesting. Meanwhile, I'll be posting clips here and there on this blog. I couldn't resist showing this one first because it is my personal favorite! It's a wonderful introduction to Dan Fisher.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
NAMI on Chemical Imbalance Belief
More on the legislative session in Minnesota debating TeenScreen. This rep socks it to NAMI by stating the obvious. It blows my mind how the obvious is so routinely denied. I have high hopes for Minnesota due to the passion of this man. He's determined to not let the bill slide through unnoticed like it was intended to do.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Behind the Veil
Beth and I went to the Carter Center to talk frankly and honestly about mental health issues. There is no way I could pack all of it into one video, so I will be adding videos one by one as I finish them. I'm disappointed that this is the first clip I'm showing from my new camera because the quality is shocking to me. I tested the camera many times, and this is the only footage that came out badly upon encoding. The raw footage is excellent but something got lost in the translation. Grrrrr! I've done exhaustive tests to figure out what went wrong, but came up with nothing. And it was just the footage at the Carter Center! I don't get it! None of the other footage loses quality upon encoding, even when I choose the lowest quality settings!
I'm posting the footage regardless of the quality because we covered some powerful topics that I don't want to go to waste. This video is Beth talking about connecting with others no matter how isolated some may appear to be.
Next week Beth and I are going to Louisiana!!! She's be doing a training with Dan Fisher from The National Empowerment Center, and I will be tagging along with my camera. This trip just fell into my lap, thanks to Beth. Dan Fisher is someone I admire immensely and could only hope to meet one day. Well, that day has arrived. What a wonderful opportunity!
Saturday, April 28, 2007
The Dark Side of Human Nature
In my post "Mental illness vs. Terrorist" I wrote that Cho didn't need anybody and he never did. I regret writing that. I didn't mean it. I was angry and sad and full of hate for this killer. I couldn't make him human in my mind because then I might care about him along with the people he murdered. But he was human. He was dark in his thinking. He was depressed. He was suicidal. He was desperate.
When I was much younger I had incredible rage inside of me. I had my own hit list. I was dark in my thinking and suicidal and desperate. I was also incredibly fortunate. I was able to reach out. I had friends and family and hope. God knows where I would be now without the support of the human angels who appeared to me seemingly out of nowhere during my worst nightmares.
The horrific massacre at VT was not about mental illness. It was about human nature and the darkness that resides in each and every one of us. Of course we want to deny that darkness. Most of us succeed in that denial until something overwhelms us to the point of either imploding or exploding. The darkness gets expressed in one way or another. Sometimes creatively, sometimes not.
A large group of people in the YouTube community are commonly called "haters." They write horrible, flaming comments on even the most benign videos. There are thousands of these haters. At first I couldn't understand why they would want to hurt strangers just for the sake of hurting them. But someone made a video about them, talking about how they actually represent the general population of people.
People who carry that much anger are all around us, in our neighborhoods, schools, and communities. But when we walk out our front doors to go to the store, for example, we don't see them because the anonymity is gone, unlike the haters on YouTube. Those haters can hate all they want on YouTube or other Internet websites, but they show a different face in their own neighborhoods and towns. It's not okay to hurl hate at any stranger on the street, but it's okay on the Internet, especially since you can easily get away with it.
What really goes on behind closed doors? How much hate and anger exists right before our eyes? How common is this dark side of human nature?
I believe it is much more common than people realize. I believe it is as rampant next door as it is in the headlines and on the Internet. We've just learned to show a different face when necessary, and we've learned to abide by the boundaries of expression. We've learned that talking about such things is taboo. But hate and anger and depression do exist. It's all part of the human experience.
Granted, not everyone commits murder or other horrendous crimes. The difference between those who do and those who don't remains to be seen. I could write an entire post on that topic, but for now, I will end this post with something I read today on Bipolar Blast :
'School violence: threat assessment'
Please consider the following profile of a troubled young adult, based on an actual case history:
1. Talked about suicide for weeks at a time.
2. Reportedly wrote dark poetry about thrusting a dagger in his heart and "draw[ing] blood in showers!"
3. Was described as "indifferent to transpiring events," and having "little to say" for extended periods.
4. Was known to "go crazy," requiring the removal of knives and dangerous items from his room.
5. Used opiates and cocaine.
6. Wandered around with a gun during periods of suicidal ideation.
7. Was fascinated by a woman he was too shy to approach.
8. Was described as being in a "morbid" state.
9. Collapsed while speaking openly of his hopelessness and thoughts of suicide.
10. Was eventually diagnosed with "recurrent major depression."
Who was this risk to society? The answer is Abraham Lincoln .
Source: Joshua Wolf Shenk, Lincoln's Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness (2006)."
When I was much younger I had incredible rage inside of me. I had my own hit list. I was dark in my thinking and suicidal and desperate. I was also incredibly fortunate. I was able to reach out. I had friends and family and hope. God knows where I would be now without the support of the human angels who appeared to me seemingly out of nowhere during my worst nightmares.
The horrific massacre at VT was not about mental illness. It was about human nature and the darkness that resides in each and every one of us. Of course we want to deny that darkness. Most of us succeed in that denial until something overwhelms us to the point of either imploding or exploding. The darkness gets expressed in one way or another. Sometimes creatively, sometimes not.
A large group of people in the YouTube community are commonly called "haters." They write horrible, flaming comments on even the most benign videos. There are thousands of these haters. At first I couldn't understand why they would want to hurt strangers just for the sake of hurting them. But someone made a video about them, talking about how they actually represent the general population of people.
People who carry that much anger are all around us, in our neighborhoods, schools, and communities. But when we walk out our front doors to go to the store, for example, we don't see them because the anonymity is gone, unlike the haters on YouTube. Those haters can hate all they want on YouTube or other Internet websites, but they show a different face in their own neighborhoods and towns. It's not okay to hurl hate at any stranger on the street, but it's okay on the Internet, especially since you can easily get away with it.
What really goes on behind closed doors? How much hate and anger exists right before our eyes? How common is this dark side of human nature?
I believe it is much more common than people realize. I believe it is as rampant next door as it is in the headlines and on the Internet. We've just learned to show a different face when necessary, and we've learned to abide by the boundaries of expression. We've learned that talking about such things is taboo. But hate and anger and depression do exist. It's all part of the human experience.
Granted, not everyone commits murder or other horrendous crimes. The difference between those who do and those who don't remains to be seen. I could write an entire post on that topic, but for now, I will end this post with something I read today on Bipolar Blast :
'School violence: threat assessment'
Please consider the following profile of a troubled young adult, based on an actual case history:
1. Talked about suicide for weeks at a time.
2. Reportedly wrote dark poetry about thrusting a dagger in his heart and "draw[ing] blood in showers!"
3. Was described as "indifferent to transpiring events," and having "little to say" for extended periods.
4. Was known to "go crazy," requiring the removal of knives and dangerous items from his room.
5. Used opiates and cocaine.
6. Wandered around with a gun during periods of suicidal ideation.
7. Was fascinated by a woman he was too shy to approach.
8. Was described as being in a "morbid" state.
9. Collapsed while speaking openly of his hopelessness and thoughts of suicide.
10. Was eventually diagnosed with "recurrent major depression."
Who was this risk to society? The answer is Abraham Lincoln .
Source: Joshua Wolf Shenk, Lincoln's Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness (2006)."
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Comic Relief
"Ugly Caricatures" is a short video from "Nalts" on YouTube. He is alwats pulling stunts on people and using his kids and his kids' friends to help him. This one had me rolling over!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Virginia Tech (The Best I could do for now)
This is what the creater (Phil) of this video wrote:
"I was very torn about making a video on the subject because the shooter is being glorified. I believe the people that need to be glorified are people like Zach Petkewicz, and others like him, and the ones who were not as lucky. I tried to make a video talking about it, but I broke down each time. I made this instead. I think the worst reaction to this is hate. At this time we need to be about love for those who are now gone and can not speak for themselves, and their families. I wish you all the best. PS. The volume of the music is intentional. In case you say you cant hear what he says. ------------ The song that plays is called "Hide And Seek" by Imogen Heap PS. For people who say the song is used to "joke about the situation. The song was made....not for the OC season finale, not for the SNL Parody of the finale, which made fun of timing and cheesiness of the OC finale... but for meaning. Most people realize this when they listen to the lyrics."
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Mental Illness vs. Terrorist
The aftermath of the Virginia Tech shootings are everywhere. Nothing has received this much media attention since hurricane Katrina. It's very unsettling to see what is being covered, too. It can be summed up with two major issues - mental illness and gun control.
I have something to say about mental illness.
This incident is not about mental illness! If it becomes about that, we just went 20 years back in advocating for the rights of those with mental illness. Cho Seung-Hui is no representation of mental illness. He is a representation of terrorism. He had guns, an elaborate plan, and believed himself to be a martyr. This was a suicide bombing, except that it was carried out by an individual rather than an organization.
So doesn't the fact that Cho was delusional in his beliefs make him "psychotic"? The 911 terrorists believed they would be greeted by virgins after crashing into the Twin Towers. They believed they would be honored as martyrs and that they were saviors to those who had been victimized by Americans. Why aren't they called "psychotic?" Cho's thinking was very dark and evil, and I see no difference in the way terrorists think.
Our need for a scapegoat in the face of tragedy is more apparent in this situation than in any other that I've seen since the Iraqi war. The only one to blame is Cho! But since he's dead, the need for a scapegoat remains. So let's just make one up. How about something really convenient, like the mentally ill?
Oh great. Bring on the stigma. Like we need more.
The more the media makes it about mental illness, the more rights of those with mental illness are jeopardized. Our rights are always in jeopardy as it is. People with mental illness should not have to be the scapegoats of an evil terrorist!
This is the only thing I've read so far that comes close to what I'm saying:
=======================
Mental health professionals are concerned this massacre may imply people to believe mentally ill people are violent when in fact most are not. "It shines a light in a way that only reinforces ignorance and discrimination, and so I'm very concerned about that," David Shern of Mental Health America said.
=======================
Statistically, the population who are considered mentally ill are far less violent than the general population and are far more prone to be victims of violence. This is a known fact.
But when someone who commits a violent crime has also been diagnosed with a mental illness, the media jumps on it. It makes the story more sensational. What about violent criminals who have not been diagnosed with a mental illness? Are they sane? What is mental illness in the face of violence?
Those who hadn't been diagnosed simply had not sought treatment within the mental health system. Those who enter the mental health system get a diagnosis - for insurance purposes if nothing else. And it's so easy to diagnose the average person who walks through those doors. The DSM has everyone covered. It takes so-called "abnormal" human behaviors and places them into categories. If your behaviors fit a specific category, you get a diagnosis, and if it doesn't quite fit a category, there are wastebasket diagnoses to cover it. The term is NOS (Not Otherwise Specified). Getting a diagnosis has nothing to do with being violent, although violent behaviors, just like all "abnormal" behaviors, have their DSM categories, too. The DSM does not discriminate.
The truth is, nobody knows for sure what causes this kind of violence. Theories are abundant, and much damage can come from theory alone.
Much damage has already come from theory alone.
I need to stop watching the news. But I want to understand. I want to cry my eyes out and gain a perspective I can live with. I want to honor the families and light a candle and see the faces of those who died so I know who I'm honoring. I want to hear about the courageous stories. I want to feel hope for those who can't feel it right now. I don't want to hear about Cho's bout with "mental illness" or see his videos or hear his words. The last thing I want to do at this point is see his face and honor his dying wishes all over the media. The current media massacre is simply honoring a man who deserves no such thing.
The families of those who were shot have my heart. The students who are heading back to school on Monday have my compassion. My brother died of a gun accident when he was 35. It was incredibly difficult to process because it seemed like such a senseless tragedy. This was just one man and one gun where no terrorism was involved, and it was one of the toughest times of my life. I can only imagine what the families in Virginia are going through.
What about their mental health? Let's not overshadow their pain and fear and uncertainty with the pain and anger of some evil terrorist! Those students need us now. Cho Seung-Hui doesn't need anybody. He never did.
I have something to say about mental illness.
This incident is not about mental illness! If it becomes about that, we just went 20 years back in advocating for the rights of those with mental illness. Cho Seung-Hui is no representation of mental illness. He is a representation of terrorism. He had guns, an elaborate plan, and believed himself to be a martyr. This was a suicide bombing, except that it was carried out by an individual rather than an organization.
So doesn't the fact that Cho was delusional in his beliefs make him "psychotic"? The 911 terrorists believed they would be greeted by virgins after crashing into the Twin Towers. They believed they would be honored as martyrs and that they were saviors to those who had been victimized by Americans. Why aren't they called "psychotic?" Cho's thinking was very dark and evil, and I see no difference in the way terrorists think.
Our need for a scapegoat in the face of tragedy is more apparent in this situation than in any other that I've seen since the Iraqi war. The only one to blame is Cho! But since he's dead, the need for a scapegoat remains. So let's just make one up. How about something really convenient, like the mentally ill?
Oh great. Bring on the stigma. Like we need more.
The more the media makes it about mental illness, the more rights of those with mental illness are jeopardized. Our rights are always in jeopardy as it is. People with mental illness should not have to be the scapegoats of an evil terrorist!
This is the only thing I've read so far that comes close to what I'm saying:
=======================
Mental health professionals are concerned this massacre may imply people to believe mentally ill people are violent when in fact most are not. "It shines a light in a way that only reinforces ignorance and discrimination, and so I'm very concerned about that," David Shern of Mental Health America said.
=======================
Statistically, the population who are considered mentally ill are far less violent than the general population and are far more prone to be victims of violence. This is a known fact.
But when someone who commits a violent crime has also been diagnosed with a mental illness, the media jumps on it. It makes the story more sensational. What about violent criminals who have not been diagnosed with a mental illness? Are they sane? What is mental illness in the face of violence?
Those who hadn't been diagnosed simply had not sought treatment within the mental health system. Those who enter the mental health system get a diagnosis - for insurance purposes if nothing else. And it's so easy to diagnose the average person who walks through those doors. The DSM has everyone covered. It takes so-called "abnormal" human behaviors and places them into categories. If your behaviors fit a specific category, you get a diagnosis, and if it doesn't quite fit a category, there are wastebasket diagnoses to cover it. The term is NOS (Not Otherwise Specified). Getting a diagnosis has nothing to do with being violent, although violent behaviors, just like all "abnormal" behaviors, have their DSM categories, too. The DSM does not discriminate.
The truth is, nobody knows for sure what causes this kind of violence. Theories are abundant, and much damage can come from theory alone.
Much damage has already come from theory alone.
I need to stop watching the news. But I want to understand. I want to cry my eyes out and gain a perspective I can live with. I want to honor the families and light a candle and see the faces of those who died so I know who I'm honoring. I want to hear about the courageous stories. I want to feel hope for those who can't feel it right now. I don't want to hear about Cho's bout with "mental illness" or see his videos or hear his words. The last thing I want to do at this point is see his face and honor his dying wishes all over the media. The current media massacre is simply honoring a man who deserves no such thing.
The families of those who were shot have my heart. The students who are heading back to school on Monday have my compassion. My brother died of a gun accident when he was 35. It was incredibly difficult to process because it seemed like such a senseless tragedy. This was just one man and one gun where no terrorism was involved, and it was one of the toughest times of my life. I can only imagine what the families in Virginia are going through.
What about their mental health? Let's not overshadow their pain and fear and uncertainty with the pain and anger of some evil terrorist! Those students need us now. Cho Seung-Hui doesn't need anybody. He never did.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Molestation Charges against Psychiatrist
This is more common than people realize. I know of numerous patients who were molested by not only psychiatrists, but also psychologists and hospital workers. One girl who spoke out in a state hospital was told she was delusional, then she was put on Haldol, the most powerful of all the antipsychotic drugs. She stopped talking about it. She stopped talking altogether. Other patients who were molested by this same worker never reported it because they feared being put on Haldol.
I had two other friends who were having sex with their therapists and bragged about it. Of course no charges were pressed in those cases.
It has always been taboo to report sexual abuse from mental health workers. Hopefully the taboo ends here.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
The Future is the Past Healed
This video was emotional for me to create and I debated on whether or not to post it. The footage isn't from my new camera, but that's not why I hesitated. The subject matter is personal to me, and Beth has a unique way of exposing another person's soul with her questions. Barbara Walters needs to watch out! I also wondered if anyone would get this video. It has elements of "hopping dimensions," which was the reason behind the title. Anyway, here it is. I hope you get something out of it. I know I did.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
TeenScreen Controversy - Minnesota
My friend Jodie lives in Minnesota and has been writing emails to the legislators all week. If it weren't for these emails, and many more from others, this bill would be sneaking through without notice. The only person who is in favor of TeenScreen in this video is the Chairman of the committee. She is also a NAMI board member. Surprise, surprise. She is quick to silence the discussion as much as she can. Just watch for yourselves
Sunday, March 25, 2007
CPS Training Finale
This is the last video of this series. I hope you enjoy it!
Good news -- I got a new camera! It hasn't come in yet, so I don't have it in my hands, but it should be here by the end of the week. Let's hope! No more blurry, low-quality videos! The new camera is a Sony Handycam DCR-SR40. A Sony! Woo hoo! I had to break in a new credit card to buy it (yikes!) but it's no interest for a year. Do you like how I can so easily justify this purchase? Hey, when you want something bad enough, there's no stopping you.
This camera has a 30 gig hard drive, so there are no more memory cards to deal with. I got an extra long-life battery, too. And with an extended warranty, I'm good on parts and labor and total replacement for 5 years. It also has Dolby Surround Sound and an infrared night vision setting. A touch screen menu, too! This thing is hot!
I hope I feel the same way after I get it.
I have one more video I'm making with some recent footage, but after that, it's Sony all the way!
Can you tell I'm excited? Uh, just a little.
Good news -- I got a new camera! It hasn't come in yet, so I don't have it in my hands, but it should be here by the end of the week. Let's hope! No more blurry, low-quality videos! The new camera is a Sony Handycam DCR-SR40. A Sony! Woo hoo! I had to break in a new credit card to buy it (yikes!) but it's no interest for a year. Do you like how I can so easily justify this purchase? Hey, when you want something bad enough, there's no stopping you.
This camera has a 30 gig hard drive, so there are no more memory cards to deal with. I got an extra long-life battery, too. And with an extended warranty, I'm good on parts and labor and total replacement for 5 years. It also has Dolby Surround Sound and an infrared night vision setting. A touch screen menu, too! This thing is hot!
I hope I feel the same way after I get it.
I have one more video I'm making with some recent footage, but after that, it's Sony all the way!
Can you tell I'm excited? Uh, just a little.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Intermission
Here's a short intermission from the CPS Training videos. I snatched this footage from Beth's collection (with her permission, of course).
The final video of the series is the talent show. I'll be posting it within the next couple days. Meanwhile, enjoy "Beautiful Joe". Watch out -- it's some serious stuff!
The final video of the series is the talent show. I'll be posting it within the next couple days. Meanwhile, enjoy "Beautiful Joe". Watch out -- it's some serious stuff!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
CPS Training Part 3
Meet Ike Powell! He talks about beliefs and how they become ingrained in our psyches. The mental health system has a belief system of its own, and Ike talks about why it is just as resistant to change as individuals are.
Going deeper, you can clearly see how people who are diagnosed with mental illnesses have a co-dependent and dysfunctional relationship with the mental health system and vice versa. The two need each other to strengthen the faulty beliefs that are ingrained. They feed off each other without realizing what they are doing. And so you have a situation where both parties are, in a sense, brainwashed into believing something that makes no sense whatsoever. The deprogramming is in its infancy, and it can begin with trainings like this one.
Going deeper, you can clearly see how people who are diagnosed with mental illnesses have a co-dependent and dysfunctional relationship with the mental health system and vice versa. The two need each other to strengthen the faulty beliefs that are ingrained. They feed off each other without realizing what they are doing. And so you have a situation where both parties are, in a sense, brainwashed into believing something that makes no sense whatsoever. The deprogramming is in its infancy, and it can begin with trainings like this one.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Certified Peer Specialist Training - Part Two
Meet Bob! See more of this incredible class!
Part 3 is coming soon. I'll probably sneak in an intermission, too.
This series is a total blast to produce, btw. I'll be sad when it's over...
Part 3 is coming soon. I'll probably sneak in an intermission, too.
This series is a total blast to produce, btw. I'll be sad when it's over...
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Certified Peer Specialist Training - Part One
I was fortunate last week to not only attend the CPS Training, but to film it. I've wanted to do this for ages but since it's never been filmed, I assumed it wasn't allowed. But all the participants agreed to be filmed, and I got so much footage that this is turning into a mini-documentary!
So many of you have heard about this training from me mentioning it here and there, but I don't think I ever went into any details about it. When I took the training in 2003, it was one of the most powerful experiences of my life. There is a certain type of transformation that occurs during the training -- from believing yourself to be a hopeless mental patient, dependent on the system forever, and having no concept of "recovery," to believing something surprisingly different. This training enlightens you and fosters hope and specific tools to not only help yourself but to help others who are still trapped in the old mindsets. It's like a de-programming process that occurs, and your thinking changes forever.
This video covers the 2nd day of training where the participants were instructed to discuss ways that the system keeps people stuck. Many people have never allowed themselves a discussion like this, but as soon as they realized they were not alone in what they felt, they began to loosen up.
Beth was my teacher back in 2003, and this was her last training. It's sad to see her go. Bob Patterson is the new Project Director, and this training was his first. It's a "passing the torch" training and I am so honored to have been a part of it!
Please stayed tuned for Part 2!
So many of you have heard about this training from me mentioning it here and there, but I don't think I ever went into any details about it. When I took the training in 2003, it was one of the most powerful experiences of my life. There is a certain type of transformation that occurs during the training -- from believing yourself to be a hopeless mental patient, dependent on the system forever, and having no concept of "recovery," to believing something surprisingly different. This training enlightens you and fosters hope and specific tools to not only help yourself but to help others who are still trapped in the old mindsets. It's like a de-programming process that occurs, and your thinking changes forever.
This video covers the 2nd day of training where the participants were instructed to discuss ways that the system keeps people stuck. Many people have never allowed themselves a discussion like this, but as soon as they realized they were not alone in what they felt, they began to loosen up.
Beth was my teacher back in 2003, and this was her last training. It's sad to see her go. Bob Patterson is the new Project Director, and this training was his first. It's a "passing the torch" training and I am so honored to have been a part of it!
Please stayed tuned for Part 2!
Saturday, March 10, 2007
The Drugging of Our Children
I debated about whether to post this video or not because it is 1hr and 43min long. But because it is so incredibly powerful and informative, I decided it was worth it if even one child is helped by its showing. The video is a full-length, professional documentary, and it describes absolutely everything I have wanted to say for so long but could only say it here and there with small clips and articles. It sums everything up for me and hopefully for anyone else who watches it. Nothing more needs to be said on this subject. Turn off your TVs this evening (unless American Idol is on, lol) and watch this video instead. It is definitely worth your time.
Speaking of American Idol, CAN YOU BELIEVE SUNDANCE HEAD DIDN'T MAKE IT TO THE FINAL TWELVE??? I nearly fainted when I saw him leave! He SHOULD have been in the top five at the very least. What an insult to his incredible talent! What an insult to the whole show and its obviously faulty voting system! It reminded me of the shocking night when Jennifer Hudson was voted off after her kick-ass performance the night before. Or when Chris Daughtry was voted off last season. He should have won it all! Well, well, well -- Chris Daughtry AND Jennifer Hudson are now basking in success without the help of American Idol -- and I hope Sundance does the same! Meanwhile, please get rid of that kid (Senjayah?) who should never have made it to Hollywood to begin with! What were Simon, Randy, and Paula thinking? Why are teenage girls with too much voting time on their hands running the show now? Why am I such an addict?
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Patient pleads: please stop my shock treatment
If you can get past the sound blips, this is a video worth watching. It breaks my heart to see this. No one deserves to be forced into ECT. Please!
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Let Me Live
I went to Milledgeville, GA the other day with a friend, and we visited the cemetary at Central State Hospital. It is an inspiring place to visit because of the memorial that honors all the nameless patients who died there. I first learned about this memorial in 2003 when I took the Certified Peer Specialist training. If you've read my recovery story, you might remember that my training was held at this state hospital, and the thought of it made me call and cancel my training. I didn't think I could handle being anywhere near a state hospital for two weeks, even though I wasn't a patient. But I went, and it turned out to be one of the most inspiring times of my life -- largely because of this memorial. I hope you enjoy the video..
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
TeenScreen is dangerous
Click the picture for the full article and video.
This is why TeenScreen is so dangerous. I don't see anything wrong with suicide prevention programs for teenagers, and I believe it could save lives if the mental health system utilized compassion rather than punishment and drugs toward people who feel suicidal. But even if the mental health system were competent, TeenScreen, from the very beginning, has not been used responsibly. That is just one reason why TeenScreen should be thrown out altogether.
Numerous school boards have already voted against it for their schools, and I hope others follow suit. The petition against TeenScreen has reached 19,792 signatures so far. If you'd like learn more about it and sign the petition, click here
I hope all of you are doing well. I'll post more about what's going on in my life soon. It's all good!
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Mentally Ill Inmate Dies Alone
60 Minutes ran a shocking story on Sunday and posted the video online. You can access it by clicking the picture. I have never seen anything like this on TV before, and it falls in line with my recent posts about how people with mental illness are treated every day. This is how we've always been treated, and thanks to technology, the word is finally getting out to the general public. Reports like this cannot be ignored any longer.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
We Made it to the Exhibit
Beth and I made finally it to the exhibit titled "Psychiatry: An Industry of Death" on Saturday. Hmmmm... pretty intense - and extreme. Videos were blaring constantly in every corner of the large room. I thought I was "anti-psychiatry," but after seeing that display, I guess I am a bit more balanced. It reminded me of a tabloid news segment by Geraldo Rivera in the 90's. Very dramatic and sensationalized. It wasn't the message itself, but the presentation. Talk about in your face!
The message needs to be heard, though. I remember when I was 15 years old, my family and I watched "Roots" together. I had never been taught a thing about black history, and the series was shocking and eye-opening. The impact of that movie stayed with me for life. Back then, black history was not taught in schools. I never learned about the Holocaust in school, either. The history of psychiatry should be taught, at the very least, to college students, especially those who are entering any helping profession.
People need to know the history of psychiatry. So many of the attitudes and practices are still being used today. People are dying every day from psychiatric abuse. I just saw 60 Minutes where a 21 year old guy who was diagnosed with a mental illness died in prison (the new asylums) at the hands of the prison guards. They restrained him for hours on end -- as punishment -- and he finally died of dehydration right before their eyes. It was all caught on video. Some of the cameras were shot by the guards themselves. Other footage was caught on the surveillance cameras. It was absolutely horrendous. It made me sick.
Deaths happen all the time in mental hospitals but the public doesn't hear about most of them because they are routinely swept under the rug. And the history of psychiatry is also swept under the rug because it supposedly doesn't happen anymore. The truth is, it's happening right before our eyes. Nowadays we have the internet, and we have cameras practically everywhere. Please, please educate yourselves! Learn about what is really going on. The information is just sitting there, waiting for you to find it - and to care. You don't have to go through CCHR (Scientology) to learn about it either. The internet is right at your fingertips. If books are more your speed, I highly recommend "Mad in America" by Robert Whitaker. That was the most profound and informative book I have ever read.
All I can do is my part. And you're reading it.
The message needs to be heard, though. I remember when I was 15 years old, my family and I watched "Roots" together. I had never been taught a thing about black history, and the series was shocking and eye-opening. The impact of that movie stayed with me for life. Back then, black history was not taught in schools. I never learned about the Holocaust in school, either. The history of psychiatry should be taught, at the very least, to college students, especially those who are entering any helping profession.
People need to know the history of psychiatry. So many of the attitudes and practices are still being used today. People are dying every day from psychiatric abuse. I just saw 60 Minutes where a 21 year old guy who was diagnosed with a mental illness died in prison (the new asylums) at the hands of the prison guards. They restrained him for hours on end -- as punishment -- and he finally died of dehydration right before their eyes. It was all caught on video. Some of the cameras were shot by the guards themselves. Other footage was caught on the surveillance cameras. It was absolutely horrendous. It made me sick.
Deaths happen all the time in mental hospitals but the public doesn't hear about most of them because they are routinely swept under the rug. And the history of psychiatry is also swept under the rug because it supposedly doesn't happen anymore. The truth is, it's happening right before our eyes. Nowadays we have the internet, and we have cameras practically everywhere. Please, please educate yourselves! Learn about what is really going on. The information is just sitting there, waiting for you to find it - and to care. You don't have to go through CCHR (Scientology) to learn about it either. The internet is right at your fingertips. If books are more your speed, I highly recommend "Mad in America" by Robert Whitaker. That was the most profound and informative book I have ever read.
All I can do is my part. And you're reading it.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Scientologists? Nope!
Beth and I decided to catch the anti-psychiatry exhibit displayed at the Woodruff Arts Center. It was held by CCHR (Citizen's Commission on Human Rights) which is a front group for Scientology. Neither of us are Scientologists but both of us are interested in anything outside of mainstream psychiatry. This exhibit was called "Psychiatry: An Industry of Death." Scientologists aren't the only group that exposes the abuses that occur within the mental health system, but they are among the few that actually do something like show exhibits for the general public to see. I wish more groups would take such an active role. Just because a person questions the ethics and history of psychiatry does not make them a Scientologist! It makes them an informed and educated citizen. I'm not saying that everything CCHR says is true, but they sure do put a spin on certain aspects that I know are true. The average person has no idea that psychiatrists used to market torture devices used for "treatment' of the mentally ill. Most people don't realize that Thorazine was marketed as the "new lobotomy" and that lobotomies were halted because of Thorazine and other anti-psychotic drugs. Why spend time and money on surgery when a simple pill can do the same thing? Because of this ongoing ignorance, now kids are being prescribed anti-psychotic drugs every day. Do we really want a society of zombies? That's where we're headed. It's time to wake up!
BTW, we never got to see the exhibit. We tried, though! See the video...
Sunday, January 28, 2007
In My Language - a person with autism speaks out.
This is the description for the video: "The first part is in my "native language," and then the second part provides a translation, or at least an explanation. This is not a look-at-the-autie gawking freakshow as much as it is a statement about what gets considered thought, intelligence, personhood, language, and communication, and what does not."
This is the description for the video: "The first part is in my "native language," and then the second part provides a translation, or at least an explanation. This is not a look-at-the-autie gawking freakshow as much as it is a statement about what gets considered thought, intelligence, personhood, language, and communication, and what does not."
Friday, January 19, 2007
Paula Abdul drunk (video banned from YouTube)
| Okay, I am not one to make fun of someone, but today is an exception because Paula, in my opinion, deserves it. If you watched American Idol Wednesday night, you saw a side to Paula that made the show reach an all-time low. I saw the most horrendous bashing of people, not only for their lack of talent, but for their physical appearances and other superficial quirks that had nothing to do with singing. I've grown to expect that from Simon, but even he was worse than his usual pompous self. Paula called one guy "awesome" (right after Simon said he looked like a bush baby), but as soon as he left the room, she broke into laughter and openly made fun of him right along with everyone else. Paula, dear, what is up with you? Here is my little way of giving Paula a taste of her own medicine. Go ahead and laugh. I did :o) | |
Monday, January 15, 2007
When Doves Fly
This is just a cute little video from the footage I had left on my camera. The doves are settled in with each other, and it looks like they are most comfortable with their fighting. At least no one gets hurt! I do keep an eye on them, though. I honestly think, at this point, they would miss each other if they were separated. Angel is far less demanding of my attention now that he has Rozee to pester. And Rozee is happy to be out of the cage for most of the day. He didn't have that before. In the video, you can see them swoop around the other's territory. It's like one is saying "Bring it on!" and the other one always complies. They are incredible to just watch. I use them for meditation.
I hope all of you are off to a good start in 2007. It's been quiet in my world, and I am simply enjoying the peace. Ahhhhh... the simple life...
I hope all of you are off to a good start in 2007. It's been quiet in my world, and I am simply enjoying the peace. Ahhhhh... the simple life...
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Expect a Miracle in 2007
Why should you expect a miracle in 2007? Because here's one right now. I found some video footage of my baby dove, Miracle, who died last year. This is the reason why I film everything I see. The song I used is my favorite song of all time. I only used a couple lines in this short video, but they are my favorite lines of all time! There's something about Freddie Mercury's voice that makes me melt into my seat.
2007 is the year of miracles. It is the year of NINE. Triple three's! In September we will have three sets of triple three's - on September 9, September 18, and September 27. Each of these dates are 9 9 9. Very powerful! Expect miracles. Expect changes. You will be surprised...
I am starting off this year with miracles. I never thought it was possible for me to move out of government housing. But when I look around, everything has been replaced by beauty, tranquility, and abundance. I can't believe how peaceful it is here. No one is knocking on my door all day, every day. I can sleep in, it's so quiet. Even inside my apartment is sheer beauty. I am so blessed to have these two white doves, Angel and Rozee. They are getting along well, now, although they are not buddies who do things together. They have established their territories, dividing the living room into half. Each bird challenges the other to win over the other's territory at least once a day. They have their quiet times, too. It's amazing to just sit and watch how they communicate with each other, which they are doing all the time It's so crystal clear, and they are incredibly predictable. They have established their own daily routines.
People often ask me why I like birds so much. It's simple. They can fly! I have these wonderful symbols of freedom within my reach every day, reminding me of my own freedom, if I choose it.
I haven't made any New Year's resolutions, except to stay open to receive all the miracles that I know are coming my way. I hope you'll do the same.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
2007 is the year of miracles. It is the year of NINE. Triple three's! In September we will have three sets of triple three's - on September 9, September 18, and September 27. Each of these dates are 9 9 9. Very powerful! Expect miracles. Expect changes. You will be surprised...
I am starting off this year with miracles. I never thought it was possible for me to move out of government housing. But when I look around, everything has been replaced by beauty, tranquility, and abundance. I can't believe how peaceful it is here. No one is knocking on my door all day, every day. I can sleep in, it's so quiet. Even inside my apartment is sheer beauty. I am so blessed to have these two white doves, Angel and Rozee. They are getting along well, now, although they are not buddies who do things together. They have established their territories, dividing the living room into half. Each bird challenges the other to win over the other's territory at least once a day. They have their quiet times, too. It's amazing to just sit and watch how they communicate with each other, which they are doing all the time It's so crystal clear, and they are incredibly predictable. They have established their own daily routines.
People often ask me why I like birds so much. It's simple. They can fly! I have these wonderful symbols of freedom within my reach every day, reminding me of my own freedom, if I choose it.
I haven't made any New Year's resolutions, except to stay open to receive all the miracles that I know are coming my way. I hope you'll do the same.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Heather Martin - When Are You Coming Home?
This 6-year old is missing her brother who is in Iraq this Christmas. Grab a tissue before watching.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
My New Apartment! YES!
I finally got some clips together to make a video of my new place. They are mostly shots of the grounds, but there are few indoor shots as well. I skipped the kitchen and the bathroom because if you saw the video "I Want it All" then you saw a kitchen and bathroom identical to mine.
I took these video clips while walking to get the mail. I just love the feel of this place. It's so serene. I feel like I am at a resort or something. It's very, VERY different from where I came from. I am so glad to be out of that high-rise. I DO deserve better -- and now I have it. Life is good!!!
This morning it occurred to me that I moved on November 29. If you are into numerology, you know it was 11/11. No wonder why it went so smoothly! I didn't choose that date on purpose, either. The only 11/11 I paid attention to was November 11th. And now we are heading into the year of 9, probably the most powerful of all the numbers. Three 3s! If you're not into numerology, then you probably think I'm crazy. Well, guess what -- you're right!
I'll be going to my sister's for Christmas. Both her boys will be there this year. Hopefully I can talk them into making videos! I hope everyone has a great holiday. I'm sure the celebrating will begin Friday at 5:00pm and end on Tuesday morning. Ya think? Have fun!!!
I took these video clips while walking to get the mail. I just love the feel of this place. It's so serene. I feel like I am at a resort or something. It's very, VERY different from where I came from. I am so glad to be out of that high-rise. I DO deserve better -- and now I have it. Life is good!!!
This morning it occurred to me that I moved on November 29. If you are into numerology, you know it was 11/11. No wonder why it went so smoothly! I didn't choose that date on purpose, either. The only 11/11 I paid attention to was November 11th. And now we are heading into the year of 9, probably the most powerful of all the numbers. Three 3s! If you're not into numerology, then you probably think I'm crazy. Well, guess what -- you're right!
I'll be going to my sister's for Christmas. Both her boys will be there this year. Hopefully I can talk them into making videos! I hope everyone has a great holiday. I'm sure the celebrating will begin Friday at 5:00pm and end on Tuesday morning. Ya think? Have fun!!!
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
Two turtle doves and a cockatiel named Cinnamon
Karla came to visit the other day and she brought her white dove, Rosie, and her baby cockatiel, Cinnamon. Karla's mother told her she had to find a new home for Rosie, so guess who volunteered to take her? I can't turn away a homeless dove. It's against my nature! So this video shows Rosie's introduction to Angel. Even though they have female names, they are both male doves. (Don't ask me how that happened). Anyway, male doves must establish domination, and they do this by climbing on top of the other and holding down wings. This means they are dominant, at least for that moment. Lots of dove fighting in this video. Some pretty candid words from Karla, too, about men in general.
I plan to make a video of my new apartment, but I wanted to be more settled in first. You can see some of it in this video. I just love my new place! It's so clean and new and plush! The grounds are gorgeous, too. I could be video taping the grounds right now, but I have been incredibly busy unpacking and hanging pictures and all the stuff you do when you move. I have to admit, I'm loving the whole process. I am so OUT of government housing! I still can't believe it!!!
Angel had no problem whatsoever adjusting to her new home. She settled in immediately, and you can tell by the picture how content she is here.
Beware, this video may offend some viewers.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Moving Day!!!
I'm all moved into my new apartment! I'm tripping over boxes and rearranging furniture and making this place my own. There's so much to do! I just now got internet access -- I've been without a phone or internet for 5 whole days! I'm still without cable - or even an antennae! I feel like I've been at a retreat of sorts. That's what this place reminds me of. There are pathways and water falls and picnic areas. There's even a clubhouse with a bar and a gazebo with two large swinging benches! I keep discovering new things every day. Well, what else can you do (besides unpack boxes) when you don't have anything else to do? Oh I've missed the internet! But I'm BACK!!!! I haven't even checked my email yet. I wanted to put this video up first. So many people have shown interest. I'm simply amazed at the quality of friends I have. I am one lucky girl!
Buy the time we began moving in to my new place, my camera battery died, and I had no energy left to retrieve my spare battery. But I'll have plenty of opportunities to film this place. Meanwhile, this video is of friends and family moving me out of government housing once and for all!!!! (Yes, I helped. I sure didn't shoot videos the whole time!)
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Thanksgiving in four and a half minutes
A typical Thanksgiving at my sister's house. BTW, I'm moving today!!! More later...
Friday, November 17, 2006
I did it!!!
Today I read my recovery story downtown at the Department of Human Resources (DHR). A videographer filmed it all, and he'll be making recordings available to everyone at DHR! I should be getting a copy, too (or else I will raise hell).
This was such an empowering experience, and I got a GREAT response! One man asked how long it took me to write my story, and he told me it he thought it was incredible. One or two of the governor's advisors were there, and a bunch of program directors. They were all so positive!
I just couldn't believe all these bureaucrats sat and listened to recovery stories all day long and got something out of each one. They seemed truly interested!
I've always been terrified of public speaking for fear of my mind going blank and the notes not helping. But I learned today that it is TOTALLY OKAY to read your speech word-for-word rather than use notes as guidelines. Last night I read my story to Angel a few times (lol) and then I pulled it out right before speaking. I will never turn down a speaking engagement again. It felt natural and effortless.
In college I flunked speech and dropped out of school altogether because the final speech overwhelmed me to the point of hospitalization.
Kinda ironic.
The positive responses posted on this blog and in private email tipped the scales for me going. If I made any difference whatsoever today, so did you. That's what I call the "ripple effect."
This was such an empowering experience, and I got a GREAT response! One man asked how long it took me to write my story, and he told me it he thought it was incredible. One or two of the governor's advisors were there, and a bunch of program directors. They were all so positive!
I just couldn't believe all these bureaucrats sat and listened to recovery stories all day long and got something out of each one. They seemed truly interested!
I've always been terrified of public speaking for fear of my mind going blank and the notes not helping. But I learned today that it is TOTALLY OKAY to read your speech word-for-word rather than use notes as guidelines. Last night I read my story to Angel a few times (lol) and then I pulled it out right before speaking. I will never turn down a speaking engagement again. It felt natural and effortless.
In college I flunked speech and dropped out of school altogether because the final speech overwhelmed me to the point of hospitalization.
Kinda ironic.
The positive responses posted on this blog and in private email tipped the scales for me going. If I made any difference whatsoever today, so did you. That's what I call the "ripple effect."
Monday, November 13, 2006
My Recovery Story
I was asked by Carol Coussons, Director of Consumer Relations and Recovery, to tell my recovery story this Friday at the Department of Human Resources. I need to give her an answer tomorrow (Tuesday), so I thought I'd write it here and just see what comes out. If my thoughts are together enough, I may do it. This would be a huge step for me because I tend to shy away from public speaking. But this seems important enough to at least consider, so here goes...
I spent the better part of twenty years in and out of psychiatric hospitals. The average length was three months. The longest admission was a year at Topeka State Hospital in 1984. I've been in private, public, and county hospitals in four different states. I lost count of how many times I was involuntarily committed, as well as how many diagnoses I was given, along with their corresponding treatments. I became institutionalized from being hospitalized so often, and when I wasn't hospitalized, I was in various outpatient day treatment programs.
I was given many messages while in the mental health system. I was taught that I was inferior to the mental health professionals who were in charge of my care, and I became convinced that I was incapable of caring for myself. Psychiatrists were gods who knew more about my brain chemistry than I did. I was told I would always have this illness, regardless of the diagnosis at the moment, and I would be on medications the rest of my life. I became highly dependent on the system for all of my needs. I was treated like a child, and that's exactly how I acted. I was considered too irresponsible to hold down a job, and I've been on Disability my entire adult life. I basically lost my 20s and 30s, a time when my friends were learning how to navigate the world and getting their lives established. Instead, I was learning how to navigate the mental health system and getting myself established in psychiatric hospitals.
The root of my dysfunction, initially, was due to childhood trauma. This was never addressed within the mental health system until many years later in 1988 when I was diagnosed with multiple personalities. Even then, the doctors knew nothing about how to treat me, so I became a guinea pig until I finally found a private therapist who specialized in childhood trauma AND took Medicare. This was after spending 15 years in the mental health system. The childhood traumas were processed the first three years of therapy, and the next seven years were spent processing the traumas that occurred within the hospitals.
The hospitals were not pleasant places, but I knew my way around. I knew all the loopholes, and I knew how to get my way, even if it meant spending a week in seclusion and restraints. I learned from hospital workers that there was something inherently wrong with me. As a result I had very little self confidence and no self esteem.
Living on Disability has been both a blessing and a curse. It's been a blessing because at least I had food to eat and usually a roof over my head. It's been a curse because of the financial constraints imposed by Social Security. You can only make so much money before they take away your check, so where is the incentive to work unless you make more than what is allowed? There are some incentives in place, but you are still trapped in poverty unless you get a decent job that pays enough to live somewhere that isn't a slum or Section 8 housing or a government high-rise, which is where I live now. And it's very hard to find a decent job when your resume is skimpy and full of gaps.
This high-rise is just another extension of institutionalization. The walls and floors are made of concrete and the halls echo from the slightest noise. All the maintenance people have master keys that they use if you don't answer your door fast enough. Inspections are constant and relentless. There's really no sense of "home" when you don't have privacy. The fire alarms go off at least four times a week, and they are always false and ear shattering. It's always noisy here, both inside and out. There are no bathtubs, only showers, no carpeting, and no escape from neighbors who panhandle at your door looking for drug money. The drugs and crime are rampant and frightening. The lease is like a book, and the rules and regulations are impossible to keep up with. I've lived here eight years, the longest I've ever lived anywhere in my life. It's actually the best place I've ever lived.
I haven't wasted my time while on Disability, though. That has been another blessing. I've had the freedom to follow my passion and learn all sorts of things that the average person wouldn't have time for. I learned to play the drums and the flute and draw portraits to sell on the side. I even wrote a book! I have always had a passion for computers, and when the internet became affordable, I taught myself web design.
A few years after moving into this high-rise, my case manager came for a home visit and suggested I use my computer skills to volunteer at Community Friendship, which is a mental health center a half a mile away. So that's what I did, and it was a bit triggering at first because of all the day programs I'd been in before. But this time I was a volunteer, so that made it tolerable. While I was there, I heard about a peer support group they held twice a week, and I decided to give it a try. I found myself looking forward to every meeting, and during that time, I never missed one.
One day in February 2003, I overheard someone talking about a certified peer specialist training that would be held in April. I looked it up on the web and found an application to fill out, so I sent it in along with my $75 registration fee. I had no idea how I would get there because this particular training was being held in Millegeville, nowhere near a Marta train station. But all the logistics worked out and Community Friendship paid for everything. I will always be grateful to them for that.
Before the training began I learned, to my horror, that it would be held at Central State Hospital. I immediately called the CPS Project and asked for my $75 back because there was no way I would be able to tolerate being anywhere near a state hospital for two weeks. But the person I spoke to at the Project talked me into going after all. I still don’t know how she did that. This was a huge step for me, and I was terrified.
The training was probably the most intense and powerful event in my life. I learned that I had hope and that I could recover. I had never thought that was possible, and it took some time even after the training before it began to sink in. I learned that just because I was diagnosed with a mental illness, it didn't necessarily mean what the doctors said it meant. They weren't gods after all. I learned that I am a person first, not a diagnosis. I eventually learned on my own that I could live quite well without a psychiatrist or a case manager or even medication. I learned that I could take care of myself after all, and support is always available through my peers. They understood me. I could talk to them and they actually listened without trying to drug up my problems or advise hospitalization. They let me cry on their shoulders when I needed to, and they could cry on mine. If only I had known of the power of peer support when I was in and out of hospitals. If only peer specialists were there at the hospitals with me. Nothing compares to getting support from people who understand on a level that traditional professionals simply cannot.
If I were to suddenly be in charge of the entire mental health system around the world, my first priority would be to hire peer specialists to work in the hospitals and mental health centers as advocates, program directors, case managers, nurses, doctors, and technicians. Many people who have been diagnosed with a severe mental illness have earned their degrees and certifications. There is no reason why they shouldn't be hired to do the work of professionals who don't have a clue what it's like to live with a diagnosis of mental illness. I would also make sure these peer specialists were paid the salary they deserved, with full benefits. Just imagine the elements of compassion, respect, empathy, and dignity the mental health system would finally acquire if peer specialists were truly utilized as the greatest asset the mental health system could ever hope for.
The next priority would be offering advanced directives for all my peers. And when it comes to treatment, the ideal situation would be presenting an array of options, including holistic alternatives, and practicing informed consent. These do not typically exist in the current system, mostly due to psychiatrists being influenced by the marketing tactics of the drug companies, not to mention the overall practice of coercion and force within the system itself. In my experience, psychiatrists are regarded as the official experts who have little faith in the intelligence and expertise of their patients. How many psychiatrists do you know who offer their patients the PDR to read about the medications being prescribed? Or the DSM? I've read both, but I didn't get them from any psychiatrist. Just because a person is diagnosed with a mental illness does not make them incapable of exploring their options and making decisions about what they ingest into their bodies.
Mental health professionals have their own stigmas toward people living with a mental illness. We are inferior, needy, dependent, and irresponsible, and we don't know what's in our best interest. How could we possibly make our own decisions all by ourselves without any input from them? We need them! And so the same old message continues.
Since my CPS training, my outlook on life has changed immensely. I no longer go into hospitals when I feel overwhelmed or depressed. It's been six years since my last hospitalization, which is a record for me. I no longer take medication, and I haven't had a psychiatrist in years. I use alternative therapies such as spirituality, nutrition, exercise, supplements, and peer support. I now work as a webmaster for the Georgia Mental Health Consumer Network and the CPS Project, and I am finally making enough money to move out of this high-rise. In two weeks I'll be moving into an apartment complex that I could only dream about in the past. I'll have actual carpeting, a deck, a garbage disposal, a pantry, and a bathtub -- all the things most people take for granted. The complex also has a pool, two tennis courts, and a state-of-the-art fitness center. No more government housing! No more slums! No more homelessness! I am slowly but surely getting away from the system altogether.
I still have symptoms, if that's what you want to call them, but now I have coping skills that I never had before. I didn't even know what coping skills were! If I fall into a debilitating depression, I treat myself like royalty. If I get overwhelmed, I cry a lot and then gain perspective. If I cried in the hospital, I'd be given a pill. Now I have spirituality, peer support, and a WRAP plan, which all remind me of the things that work for me personally.
This is my wish and my greatest hope for every single person who has ever been diagnosed with a mental illness. You are not alone, and you can recover!
I spent the better part of twenty years in and out of psychiatric hospitals. The average length was three months. The longest admission was a year at Topeka State Hospital in 1984. I've been in private, public, and county hospitals in four different states. I lost count of how many times I was involuntarily committed, as well as how many diagnoses I was given, along with their corresponding treatments. I became institutionalized from being hospitalized so often, and when I wasn't hospitalized, I was in various outpatient day treatment programs.
I was given many messages while in the mental health system. I was taught that I was inferior to the mental health professionals who were in charge of my care, and I became convinced that I was incapable of caring for myself. Psychiatrists were gods who knew more about my brain chemistry than I did. I was told I would always have this illness, regardless of the diagnosis at the moment, and I would be on medications the rest of my life. I became highly dependent on the system for all of my needs. I was treated like a child, and that's exactly how I acted. I was considered too irresponsible to hold down a job, and I've been on Disability my entire adult life. I basically lost my 20s and 30s, a time when my friends were learning how to navigate the world and getting their lives established. Instead, I was learning how to navigate the mental health system and getting myself established in psychiatric hospitals.
The root of my dysfunction, initially, was due to childhood trauma. This was never addressed within the mental health system until many years later in 1988 when I was diagnosed with multiple personalities. Even then, the doctors knew nothing about how to treat me, so I became a guinea pig until I finally found a private therapist who specialized in childhood trauma AND took Medicare. This was after spending 15 years in the mental health system. The childhood traumas were processed the first three years of therapy, and the next seven years were spent processing the traumas that occurred within the hospitals.
The hospitals were not pleasant places, but I knew my way around. I knew all the loopholes, and I knew how to get my way, even if it meant spending a week in seclusion and restraints. I learned from hospital workers that there was something inherently wrong with me. As a result I had very little self confidence and no self esteem.
Living on Disability has been both a blessing and a curse. It's been a blessing because at least I had food to eat and usually a roof over my head. It's been a curse because of the financial constraints imposed by Social Security. You can only make so much money before they take away your check, so where is the incentive to work unless you make more than what is allowed? There are some incentives in place, but you are still trapped in poverty unless you get a decent job that pays enough to live somewhere that isn't a slum or Section 8 housing or a government high-rise, which is where I live now. And it's very hard to find a decent job when your resume is skimpy and full of gaps.
This high-rise is just another extension of institutionalization. The walls and floors are made of concrete and the halls echo from the slightest noise. All the maintenance people have master keys that they use if you don't answer your door fast enough. Inspections are constant and relentless. There's really no sense of "home" when you don't have privacy. The fire alarms go off at least four times a week, and they are always false and ear shattering. It's always noisy here, both inside and out. There are no bathtubs, only showers, no carpeting, and no escape from neighbors who panhandle at your door looking for drug money. The drugs and crime are rampant and frightening. The lease is like a book, and the rules and regulations are impossible to keep up with. I've lived here eight years, the longest I've ever lived anywhere in my life. It's actually the best place I've ever lived.
I haven't wasted my time while on Disability, though. That has been another blessing. I've had the freedom to follow my passion and learn all sorts of things that the average person wouldn't have time for. I learned to play the drums and the flute and draw portraits to sell on the side. I even wrote a book! I have always had a passion for computers, and when the internet became affordable, I taught myself web design.
A few years after moving into this high-rise, my case manager came for a home visit and suggested I use my computer skills to volunteer at Community Friendship, which is a mental health center a half a mile away. So that's what I did, and it was a bit triggering at first because of all the day programs I'd been in before. But this time I was a volunteer, so that made it tolerable. While I was there, I heard about a peer support group they held twice a week, and I decided to give it a try. I found myself looking forward to every meeting, and during that time, I never missed one.
One day in February 2003, I overheard someone talking about a certified peer specialist training that would be held in April. I looked it up on the web and found an application to fill out, so I sent it in along with my $75 registration fee. I had no idea how I would get there because this particular training was being held in Millegeville, nowhere near a Marta train station. But all the logistics worked out and Community Friendship paid for everything. I will always be grateful to them for that.
Before the training began I learned, to my horror, that it would be held at Central State Hospital. I immediately called the CPS Project and asked for my $75 back because there was no way I would be able to tolerate being anywhere near a state hospital for two weeks. But the person I spoke to at the Project talked me into going after all. I still don’t know how she did that. This was a huge step for me, and I was terrified.
The training was probably the most intense and powerful event in my life. I learned that I had hope and that I could recover. I had never thought that was possible, and it took some time even after the training before it began to sink in. I learned that just because I was diagnosed with a mental illness, it didn't necessarily mean what the doctors said it meant. They weren't gods after all. I learned that I am a person first, not a diagnosis. I eventually learned on my own that I could live quite well without a psychiatrist or a case manager or even medication. I learned that I could take care of myself after all, and support is always available through my peers. They understood me. I could talk to them and they actually listened without trying to drug up my problems or advise hospitalization. They let me cry on their shoulders when I needed to, and they could cry on mine. If only I had known of the power of peer support when I was in and out of hospitals. If only peer specialists were there at the hospitals with me. Nothing compares to getting support from people who understand on a level that traditional professionals simply cannot.
If I were to suddenly be in charge of the entire mental health system around the world, my first priority would be to hire peer specialists to work in the hospitals and mental health centers as advocates, program directors, case managers, nurses, doctors, and technicians. Many people who have been diagnosed with a severe mental illness have earned their degrees and certifications. There is no reason why they shouldn't be hired to do the work of professionals who don't have a clue what it's like to live with a diagnosis of mental illness. I would also make sure these peer specialists were paid the salary they deserved, with full benefits. Just imagine the elements of compassion, respect, empathy, and dignity the mental health system would finally acquire if peer specialists were truly utilized as the greatest asset the mental health system could ever hope for.
The next priority would be offering advanced directives for all my peers. And when it comes to treatment, the ideal situation would be presenting an array of options, including holistic alternatives, and practicing informed consent. These do not typically exist in the current system, mostly due to psychiatrists being influenced by the marketing tactics of the drug companies, not to mention the overall practice of coercion and force within the system itself. In my experience, psychiatrists are regarded as the official experts who have little faith in the intelligence and expertise of their patients. How many psychiatrists do you know who offer their patients the PDR to read about the medications being prescribed? Or the DSM? I've read both, but I didn't get them from any psychiatrist. Just because a person is diagnosed with a mental illness does not make them incapable of exploring their options and making decisions about what they ingest into their bodies.
Mental health professionals have their own stigmas toward people living with a mental illness. We are inferior, needy, dependent, and irresponsible, and we don't know what's in our best interest. How could we possibly make our own decisions all by ourselves without any input from them? We need them! And so the same old message continues.
Since my CPS training, my outlook on life has changed immensely. I no longer go into hospitals when I feel overwhelmed or depressed. It's been six years since my last hospitalization, which is a record for me. I no longer take medication, and I haven't had a psychiatrist in years. I use alternative therapies such as spirituality, nutrition, exercise, supplements, and peer support. I now work as a webmaster for the Georgia Mental Health Consumer Network and the CPS Project, and I am finally making enough money to move out of this high-rise. In two weeks I'll be moving into an apartment complex that I could only dream about in the past. I'll have actual carpeting, a deck, a garbage disposal, a pantry, and a bathtub -- all the things most people take for granted. The complex also has a pool, two tennis courts, and a state-of-the-art fitness center. No more government housing! No more slums! No more homelessness! I am slowly but surely getting away from the system altogether.
I still have symptoms, if that's what you want to call them, but now I have coping skills that I never had before. I didn't even know what coping skills were! If I fall into a debilitating depression, I treat myself like royalty. If I get overwhelmed, I cry a lot and then gain perspective. If I cried in the hospital, I'd be given a pill. Now I have spirituality, peer support, and a WRAP plan, which all remind me of the things that work for me personally.
This is my wish and my greatest hope for every single person who has ever been diagnosed with a mental illness. You are not alone, and you can recover!
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Psychiatry is WAY behind!
- QUOTATION OF THE DAY -
New York Times
11/11/06
"Psychiatry has made great strides in helping kids manage mental illness, particularly moderate conditions, but the system of diagnosis is still 200 to 300 years behind other branches of medicine."
- DR. E. JANE COSTELLO, a professor of psychiatry at Duke University.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/11/health/psychology/11kids.html?th&emc=th
New York Times
11/11/06
"Psychiatry has made great strides in helping kids manage mental illness, particularly moderate conditions, but the system of diagnosis is still 200 to 300 years behind other branches of medicine."
- DR. E. JANE COSTELLO, a professor of psychiatry at Duke University.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/11/health/psychology/11kids.html?th&emc=th
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Legitimacy of Psychiatry
Quote of the Day:
"Ever since the American Psychiatric Association admitted no lab tests exist to diagnose any mental disorder, the entire legitimacy of psychiatry has become questionable. Couple this with the 19 international warnings about how psychiatric drugs have been linked to causing diabetes, liver failure, violence, suicide and sudden death, it becomes apparent that strict constraints against psychiatry must be called for to protect children."
Lawrence Hooper, MD
Health Committee Chairman of the San Jose (CA) Branch
********************************************
That's what psychiatrists have going for them. No one questions their methods. Those who do are called insane or Scientologists or both. I'm neither, but I have been called both. Many times.
What if everyone except you heard voices that weren't there? The world would be set up to accommodate the lifestyle necessary for hearing voices all the time. It would be a different place altogether, a different planet. Just imagine...
Now imagine yourself taking a little blue pill that causes you to hear voices like everyone else. The pill works great and you are hearing voices! You are now a part of society and you can live a semi-normal life as long as you take this pill every day. Never mind that it causes you to sleep all day and gain weight and see everything blurry. You can hear the voices, and that's all that matters.
So, who gets to decide what really matters?
It all depends on what planet you live on.
************************************
I'm not entirely against psychiatry. I'm against force and coercion. I believe in the concept of informed consent, which doesn't exist in psychiatry. The only answers I ever got from a psychiatrist were "this pill will help your depression" or "this pill helps with anger" or "I know the side effects are rough, but if you give it more time, it will start working." How stupid do you think I am, doc? Geesh! Oh, let me check the PDR myself.
Which is what I ended up doing. I read other books, too, many of which were for scholarly professionals. I learned the terminology. I learned how diagnoses were made. I learned that every person I knew could fit into at least one diagnostic category. I learned how easy it was to diagnose anyone.
I would be grateful to psychiatry if they treated me like something more than a label. I would also be grateful if a psychiatrist told me my OPTIONS after diagnosing me with a chronic, incurable mental condition that has STIGMA stamped all over it. But I never heard options. I eventually learned about them on my own through newsletters and conferences run by people who also lived with the STIGMA of mental illness.
This STIGMA is so ingrained in society that even mental health professionals carry it around like a shield of armor as they walk the halls of the insane asylums.
"Okay, the hospitals are cleaner now than what they were in the 40s. The pictures are prettier. No more lobotomies because of the invention of Thorazine. ECT is still used, but the patients don't convulse or break bones. We can't use it as punishment anymore. Oh, but we always have our needles handy.
We'd use a taser, too, if they'd let us. Just give it time..."
Mental patients have always being the lowest on the totem pole in society. This goes way back, since the beginning of time. Some things never change, either. I don't know how many times I've been considered "demon possessed" and had exorcisms done on me. It's really no big deal to be exorcised, truth be told. You just yawn a lot.
The history of the mental health system is a story worse than any horrors you could conjure up on your own. There was a time, a couple hundred years ago, when psychiatrists were inventors of torture devices that would theoretically cause an insane person to "snap out of it." The competition was fierce, too, and the marketing of each item was as relentless as the drug companies marketing today.
The horrors may have changed over time, but the STIGMA lives on. People are afraid of what they don't understand, but what they don't understand is that they, too, could be diagnosed just as easily as the next person. And STIGMA follows you around like a dark shadow.
It's everywhere, even within your own thinking.
"Ever since the American Psychiatric Association admitted no lab tests exist to diagnose any mental disorder, the entire legitimacy of psychiatry has become questionable. Couple this with the 19 international warnings about how psychiatric drugs have been linked to causing diabetes, liver failure, violence, suicide and sudden death, it becomes apparent that strict constraints against psychiatry must be called for to protect children."
Lawrence Hooper, MD
Health Committee Chairman of the San Jose (CA) Branch
********************************************
That's what psychiatrists have going for them. No one questions their methods. Those who do are called insane or Scientologists or both. I'm neither, but I have been called both. Many times.
What if everyone except you heard voices that weren't there? The world would be set up to accommodate the lifestyle necessary for hearing voices all the time. It would be a different place altogether, a different planet. Just imagine...
Now imagine yourself taking a little blue pill that causes you to hear voices like everyone else. The pill works great and you are hearing voices! You are now a part of society and you can live a semi-normal life as long as you take this pill every day. Never mind that it causes you to sleep all day and gain weight and see everything blurry. You can hear the voices, and that's all that matters.
So, who gets to decide what really matters?
It all depends on what planet you live on.
************************************
I'm not entirely against psychiatry. I'm against force and coercion. I believe in the concept of informed consent, which doesn't exist in psychiatry. The only answers I ever got from a psychiatrist were "this pill will help your depression" or "this pill helps with anger" or "I know the side effects are rough, but if you give it more time, it will start working." How stupid do you think I am, doc? Geesh! Oh, let me check the PDR myself.
Which is what I ended up doing. I read other books, too, many of which were for scholarly professionals. I learned the terminology. I learned how diagnoses were made. I learned that every person I knew could fit into at least one diagnostic category. I learned how easy it was to diagnose anyone.
I would be grateful to psychiatry if they treated me like something more than a label. I would also be grateful if a psychiatrist told me my OPTIONS after diagnosing me with a chronic, incurable mental condition that has STIGMA stamped all over it. But I never heard options. I eventually learned about them on my own through newsletters and conferences run by people who also lived with the STIGMA of mental illness.
This STIGMA is so ingrained in society that even mental health professionals carry it around like a shield of armor as they walk the halls of the insane asylums.
"Okay, the hospitals are cleaner now than what they were in the 40s. The pictures are prettier. No more lobotomies because of the invention of Thorazine. ECT is still used, but the patients don't convulse or break bones. We can't use it as punishment anymore. Oh, but we always have our needles handy.
We'd use a taser, too, if they'd let us. Just give it time..."
Mental patients have always being the lowest on the totem pole in society. This goes way back, since the beginning of time. Some things never change, either. I don't know how many times I've been considered "demon possessed" and had exorcisms done on me. It's really no big deal to be exorcised, truth be told. You just yawn a lot.
The history of the mental health system is a story worse than any horrors you could conjure up on your own. There was a time, a couple hundred years ago, when psychiatrists were inventors of torture devices that would theoretically cause an insane person to "snap out of it." The competition was fierce, too, and the marketing of each item was as relentless as the drug companies marketing today.
The horrors may have changed over time, but the STIGMA lives on. People are afraid of what they don't understand, but what they don't understand is that they, too, could be diagnosed just as easily as the next person. And STIGMA follows you around like a dark shadow.
It's everywhere, even within your own thinking.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Fire Alarm
Here is the new fire alarm that was recently installed in an intercom inside everyone's apartment. It's much louder than what you hear in this video, and it often repeats over and over for 30 minutes or more when it goes off. Nevermind that it's always a false alarm. The fire trucks still come. Yesterday it went off four times, twice at night. Also yesterday they shut off the water for the second time this week (without warning) AND they had inspections of everyone's apartment and gave out $25 fines for any infractions. I cannot WAIT to move!
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
My eBay Account was HACKED!!!
And eBay could care less.
Late Sunday night, around 11:00pm, I received an email from eBay saying that they pulled an item I was selling off the site because it was illegal.
I have never sold anything on eBay. I've never even tried. I've always been a buyer!
So I went to my eBay account, and lo and behold, 35 items were listed in my sellers account. I didn't even know I had a sellers account. I thought I had to sign up for one if I ever wanted to sell anything. I still don't know the answer to that one.
Each of these items being sold were pirated DVD copies of various TV shows, like Desperate Housewives Season One DVD boxed set. New in box!!! (yeah, right)
Then an email pops in saying that item #2857463 (or whatever) has been sold for $70.00. I'm freaking out by then, and I decide, first of all, to unlist the remaining items before anyone else bids on them. I had to do some searching on eBay to figure out how to unlist them, and when I did, I learned it was a three-step process for each item. I won't go into details, but it took me hours to unlist these items.
Apparently, this hacker used my account primarily for the sellers fees, so now I have a balance at eBay for $115.00 in sellers fees. I was up the whole night sending emails to eBay (who still have not responded), and to the people who had placed bids. Two people got duped into sending their money to these hackers before I could stop them.
Finally, around 2 or 3:00 am, things settled down. Before that, the listings were coming in as fast as I could unlist them. I changed my password and all other security information, and finally the hackers stopped for the night.
Then yesterday, I got another email from eBay telling me they removed an item I had listed to sell because it was illegal. I went to my account, and there was nothing listed. Nevertheless, eBay suspended my account for 7 days.
What I really want to do is CLOSE my account altogether, but eBay won't let me into my account at all now that I am suspended. Even if I could access my account, how do I close it? I couldn't find anything on the website that tells you how! Besides, eBay will probably insist on me paying those sellers fees before I can close the account!
This is messed up. I am staying away from eBay FOREVER! They won't answer my emails about my account being hacked but they sure don't hesitate to send emails about the illegal items I am supposedly selling. They don't hesitate to charge me for sellers fees, either!
This has never happened to me before. What a world we live in! What a world what a world what a world...
I wonder -- does this happen often and eBay routinely sweeps it under the rug? That's what they are doing with me. Maybe they don't want the general public to know about their flawed security system. Maybe they will lose customers -- and sellers fees (which is how they make THEIR money).
Take this post as a warning. I doubt I am the only one in the world this has happened to on eBay, but funny you don't hear about it. I never have. Just don't let this nightmare happen to you. Stay away from eBay!!!!
Late Sunday night, around 11:00pm, I received an email from eBay saying that they pulled an item I was selling off the site because it was illegal.
I have never sold anything on eBay. I've never even tried. I've always been a buyer!
So I went to my eBay account, and lo and behold, 35 items were listed in my sellers account. I didn't even know I had a sellers account. I thought I had to sign up for one if I ever wanted to sell anything. I still don't know the answer to that one.
Each of these items being sold were pirated DVD copies of various TV shows, like Desperate Housewives Season One DVD boxed set. New in box!!! (yeah, right)
Then an email pops in saying that item #2857463 (or whatever) has been sold for $70.00. I'm freaking out by then, and I decide, first of all, to unlist the remaining items before anyone else bids on them. I had to do some searching on eBay to figure out how to unlist them, and when I did, I learned it was a three-step process for each item. I won't go into details, but it took me hours to unlist these items.
Apparently, this hacker used my account primarily for the sellers fees, so now I have a balance at eBay for $115.00 in sellers fees. I was up the whole night sending emails to eBay (who still have not responded), and to the people who had placed bids. Two people got duped into sending their money to these hackers before I could stop them.
Finally, around 2 or 3:00 am, things settled down. Before that, the listings were coming in as fast as I could unlist them. I changed my password and all other security information, and finally the hackers stopped for the night.
Then yesterday, I got another email from eBay telling me they removed an item I had listed to sell because it was illegal. I went to my account, and there was nothing listed. Nevertheless, eBay suspended my account for 7 days.
What I really want to do is CLOSE my account altogether, but eBay won't let me into my account at all now that I am suspended. Even if I could access my account, how do I close it? I couldn't find anything on the website that tells you how! Besides, eBay will probably insist on me paying those sellers fees before I can close the account!
This is messed up. I am staying away from eBay FOREVER! They won't answer my emails about my account being hacked but they sure don't hesitate to send emails about the illegal items I am supposedly selling. They don't hesitate to charge me for sellers fees, either!
This has never happened to me before. What a world we live in! What a world what a world what a world...
I wonder -- does this happen often and eBay routinely sweeps it under the rug? That's what they are doing with me. Maybe they don't want the general public to know about their flawed security system. Maybe they will lose customers -- and sellers fees (which is how they make THEIR money).
Take this post as a warning. I doubt I am the only one in the world this has happened to on eBay, but funny you don't hear about it. I never have. Just don't let this nightmare happen to you. Stay away from eBay!!!!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Dear Friends
I know I gripe about living in this government high-rise, but there are some incredible and blessed people who dwell here with me. This video is my way of paying tribute and saying a few goodbyes. I hope you will see the treasures I see.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Hell is where I live
Since I know I am moving soon, this place is getting to me more than ever. It's heavy and dark and noisy all the time. I am going to use this space to complain, so if you don't want to hear what it's really like, please skip this post.
Last night, after a weekend of depression, I was watching American Idol Rewind (some special they had) when suddenly I hear a loud siren from the intercom they'd just installed in every apartment. It sounded like a car alarm at first, then a LOUD voice screaming "Attention! Attention! ATTENTION!!!! A fire has been reported in the building! Go to the nearest exit immediately. Do not use the elevators!!!" It repeated for about 30 minutes. I can't tell you how loud it was, but I turned the TV up as high as it could go to try and drown it out. No, I did not rush to the outdoor stairway. I knew it was a false alarm like it always is, so I tried to finish watching the show. The whole atmosphere in my apartment was as loud as a war zone, I swear. I felt sorry for Angel, who I know was asleep at the time. Nobody could sleep through that.
So finally it stopped, and I tried to drift off to sleep. I had the strangest dreams, and then I'd wake up, then more strange dreams and more waking up. It was a long night. Finally, just before dawn, my chance for sleeping was shot due to the constant noises outside.
I had a friend stay over one night with her daughter, and I'll never forget the look on their faces when they were woken up by the same morning noises. They looked shocked and they said, "Wow, this is LOUD! How can you live like this?" I hardly noticed the noises before, but now they are really getting to me. Major, endless construction, metal banging against metal, traffic on I-75 (a block away), horns honking, sirens blaring, people yelling, gunshots or something equally disturbing. It just goes on and on without a break. I honestly don't know how I've lasted here this long.
So there was nothing to do but get up and get ready to catch the infamous Kroger bus. That was the last thing I wanted to do. My energy level is incredibly low, and those shopping trips are stressful and hectic.
So I decide to get myself in gear amidst the noises in the hallway. The maintenance people were beginning their day on my floor. They contribute to the morning noises by banging their carts and mops and ramming on doors. I get paranoid that my door will be next, and who knows what they want! It's something different every time.
This place is so institutional, I feel like I am back at Topeka State Hospital. People here either die or are dying of AIDS, alcoholism, old age, heart attacks, etc. There's a white board downstairs that announces the latest death. Someone new every week. This morning it was a lady named Rosa who I was friends with. We weren't best friends or anything, but she was always so sweet to me. Last week it was a guy named Terry who I used to have wonderful talks with about nutrition and herbal teas and his days of homelessness. He was also an avid reader and wrote a few Sci-Fi books. He died alone in his apartment, like they all do, and the only way anyone found out was because of the smell. That is typical.
Before I moved in, they had just gotten rid of the rat infestation. So now, 8 years later, the rats are back. I've seen two so far. And the roaches are so relentless, I spend tons of money on every product available to get rid of them. Nothing works for very long. Maybe a day.
And doing laundry is more than just a chore. There are 5 washers and 5 dryers for 250 people. Usually the washers are broke except for two, so there's a long line of people waiting their turn for the next available washer. It takes all day.
And the post office! I need a whole blog for that story! Oh wait -- I have one, lol! It's at http://morrisbrown.blogspot.com/ titled "Morris Brown Post Office Discriminates." I battled with them for three years to change their policy about delivering to our doors when necessary. I thought it was settled, but they are once again refusing to deliver my medication from drugstore.com which requires a signature confirmation. I just don't have the energy to battle with them anymore.
The other residents here stopped caring long ago. They are resigned to their fate. It is incredibly sad. I get to leave but they are waiting to die. I am surrounded by wheelchairs, walkers, bingo, and other nursing-home activities. This truly is an institution. No privacy, either. The maintenance men use their master keys if you don't answer the door fast enough. It makes me paranoid just to take a shower.
Just going downstairs to take a walk is a hassle (even when the elevators ARE working). People are constantly stopping me in the halls, wanting money or cigarettes or whatever. Today I walked to BP, and was stopped on the way by a woman who lives here. She was drunk and crying about her daughter, who just had her purse stolen. When I finally got away from her, I heard loud screaming. I turned around, and it was the same woman screaming at her daughter who was trying to push her down. She was hitting her, too, and the screams faded the faster I walked away. Two cops just passed them by like nothing was happening. I had to do the same, feeling guilty and irritated because there was nothing I could do without getting punched myself.
It's a hopeless situation for everyone here, and they just live with it like I've been living with it for years. Most of the older people here grew up picking cotton and are now retiring in this hell hole, dirt poor, illiterate, and waiting to die.
So how did I end up here, and why have I stayed so long? Because I don't deserve better. That was drummed into my head since childhood. And I've been living up to those expectations. That's why this move is so significant for me. This move is a far cry from what I am used to. I don't deserve better than this, and in fact, this place is better than the last place I lived. So now I am having to work through a paradigm shift just to accept that I DO deserve better. And you know what? So does everyone else who lives here. But they were beaten down long ago, and that's how I feel at this moment.
I know this is temporary. I know I have hope. I'm just not feeling it right now. I'm confused and scared and depressed. I've always sabotaged success, and this time I can't sabotage a move upward. I just can't! I would die here.
Right now, there are the never-ending noises outside my window -- that endless construction -- and in the echoing hallways outside my door. Someone is yelling really loud. Who knows what it's about.
Okay, that's enough. The pity party is over. Angel is cooing softly.
Last night, after a weekend of depression, I was watching American Idol Rewind (some special they had) when suddenly I hear a loud siren from the intercom they'd just installed in every apartment. It sounded like a car alarm at first, then a LOUD voice screaming "Attention! Attention! ATTENTION!!!! A fire has been reported in the building! Go to the nearest exit immediately. Do not use the elevators!!!" It repeated for about 30 minutes. I can't tell you how loud it was, but I turned the TV up as high as it could go to try and drown it out. No, I did not rush to the outdoor stairway. I knew it was a false alarm like it always is, so I tried to finish watching the show. The whole atmosphere in my apartment was as loud as a war zone, I swear. I felt sorry for Angel, who I know was asleep at the time. Nobody could sleep through that.
So finally it stopped, and I tried to drift off to sleep. I had the strangest dreams, and then I'd wake up, then more strange dreams and more waking up. It was a long night. Finally, just before dawn, my chance for sleeping was shot due to the constant noises outside.
I had a friend stay over one night with her daughter, and I'll never forget the look on their faces when they were woken up by the same morning noises. They looked shocked and they said, "Wow, this is LOUD! How can you live like this?" I hardly noticed the noises before, but now they are really getting to me. Major, endless construction, metal banging against metal, traffic on I-75 (a block away), horns honking, sirens blaring, people yelling, gunshots or something equally disturbing. It just goes on and on without a break. I honestly don't know how I've lasted here this long.
So there was nothing to do but get up and get ready to catch the infamous Kroger bus. That was the last thing I wanted to do. My energy level is incredibly low, and those shopping trips are stressful and hectic.
So I decide to get myself in gear amidst the noises in the hallway. The maintenance people were beginning their day on my floor. They contribute to the morning noises by banging their carts and mops and ramming on doors. I get paranoid that my door will be next, and who knows what they want! It's something different every time.
This place is so institutional, I feel like I am back at Topeka State Hospital. People here either die or are dying of AIDS, alcoholism, old age, heart attacks, etc. There's a white board downstairs that announces the latest death. Someone new every week. This morning it was a lady named Rosa who I was friends with. We weren't best friends or anything, but she was always so sweet to me. Last week it was a guy named Terry who I used to have wonderful talks with about nutrition and herbal teas and his days of homelessness. He was also an avid reader and wrote a few Sci-Fi books. He died alone in his apartment, like they all do, and the only way anyone found out was because of the smell. That is typical.
Before I moved in, they had just gotten rid of the rat infestation. So now, 8 years later, the rats are back. I've seen two so far. And the roaches are so relentless, I spend tons of money on every product available to get rid of them. Nothing works for very long. Maybe a day.
And doing laundry is more than just a chore. There are 5 washers and 5 dryers for 250 people. Usually the washers are broke except for two, so there's a long line of people waiting their turn for the next available washer. It takes all day.
And the post office! I need a whole blog for that story! Oh wait -- I have one, lol! It's at http://morrisbrown.blogspot.com/ titled "Morris Brown Post Office Discriminates." I battled with them for three years to change their policy about delivering to our doors when necessary. I thought it was settled, but they are once again refusing to deliver my medication from drugstore.com which requires a signature confirmation. I just don't have the energy to battle with them anymore.
The other residents here stopped caring long ago. They are resigned to their fate. It is incredibly sad. I get to leave but they are waiting to die. I am surrounded by wheelchairs, walkers, bingo, and other nursing-home activities. This truly is an institution. No privacy, either. The maintenance men use their master keys if you don't answer the door fast enough. It makes me paranoid just to take a shower.
Just going downstairs to take a walk is a hassle (even when the elevators ARE working). People are constantly stopping me in the halls, wanting money or cigarettes or whatever. Today I walked to BP, and was stopped on the way by a woman who lives here. She was drunk and crying about her daughter, who just had her purse stolen. When I finally got away from her, I heard loud screaming. I turned around, and it was the same woman screaming at her daughter who was trying to push her down. She was hitting her, too, and the screams faded the faster I walked away. Two cops just passed them by like nothing was happening. I had to do the same, feeling guilty and irritated because there was nothing I could do without getting punched myself.
It's a hopeless situation for everyone here, and they just live with it like I've been living with it for years. Most of the older people here grew up picking cotton and are now retiring in this hell hole, dirt poor, illiterate, and waiting to die.
So how did I end up here, and why have I stayed so long? Because I don't deserve better. That was drummed into my head since childhood. And I've been living up to those expectations. That's why this move is so significant for me. This move is a far cry from what I am used to. I don't deserve better than this, and in fact, this place is better than the last place I lived. So now I am having to work through a paradigm shift just to accept that I DO deserve better. And you know what? So does everyone else who lives here. But they were beaten down long ago, and that's how I feel at this moment.
I know this is temporary. I know I have hope. I'm just not feeling it right now. I'm confused and scared and depressed. I've always sabotaged success, and this time I can't sabotage a move upward. I just can't! I would die here.
Right now, there are the never-ending noises outside my window -- that endless construction -- and in the echoing hallways outside my door. Someone is yelling really loud. Who knows what it's about.
Okay, that's enough. The pity party is over. Angel is cooing softly.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Friday, September 15, 2006
Apartments, Darlene, and Lonelygirl15
First of all, thanks to all who sent comments both here and in private emails. You all totally ROCK!
Jody and I both "knew" somehow that I would get an apartment the first day -- and it would be the first one we looked at. This all came true (even though we spent the whole day looking at the other apartments, too). In the end, they denied my application due to my income not being three times what the rent is and because of a spot on my credit record where I didn't pay a bill from the GAP. That charge was justifiably disputed (long story but trust me on this) and I learned that once you dispute a charge, they simply turn the account over to another credit company. I could continue to dispute the charges again and again or I could write to the two major credit corporations to document my side of the story. (Advice alert -- don't fall into the trap of department store credit cards!) Other than that, my credit was flawless. So Jody decided to rent out the apartment herself (on paper only) and she believes in me enough to risk being accountable for me paying the bills on time. I've said it before, and I'll say it again -- my sister is the greatest sister anyone could have. She has always been supportive of me in any way she can, and this just takes the cake. She and her husband recently bought a townhouse for their son who makes the mortgage payments, so they are his landlord -- plus they have a great investment now. They are making plans to do the same for me but they have to refinance their house first. They are talking about it happening in a year or so. A lot can happen in a year, though, so who knows what's in store for me in the long run. Either way, I am through living in ghetto dumps owned by the government. No more fire drills in the middle of the night. No more maintenance men banging on my door every few days to check something they have to check in all the apartments. No more panhandlers begging for money everytime I walk out my door. No more unwelcome neighbors panhandling at my front door. No more rats or gigantic roaches. No more fears of all the night noises. No more meals on wheels delivering to my apartment and me having to tell them which apartment they are really looking for. No more elevators! No more sirens. No more paramedics coming to the wrong door (mine). No more constant and ongoing noises from construction that never end. Ahhhhh.... I've actually had maintenance men use their keys when I didn't answer the door fast enough. It makes me paranoid just taking a shower. I've been very lucky they haven't walked in on me during a shower. Very lucky! So goodbye to all of it!
The apartment is $635 a month plus utilities, which run about $200 a month if you include cable, phone, and internet. I know I can pull this off. My savings account is bulging, so I will be able to buy the things I need for my new place. There's also a Kroger right across the street! Two different bus routes stop right in front of the apartment. No more survival mode. I will just have to cut corners on my daily spending, which I've done before and never went without anything I needed. So it's all good.
I won't get to move in for two months, though. That's the soonest the apartment will be ready. It's a ground floor apartment, which I insisted on. I could have moved into another apartment this week but it was a level up and a bit more expensive because it overlooks the pool. I chose the other apartment because I don't care about looking at the pool or climbing stairs. Who knows when my MS will flare up. So the wait is worth it. I'll have time to save even more money and build up my savings to a very comfortable level.
Needless to say, I am very excited about this move!
I know I said that I wouldn't mention Darlene anymore, but I was very angry at the time. I found peace with her decision even before Jody and I went apartment hunting. I know her well enough to know that she had an unexpected "hunch" that the move was wrong for some reason. I've gotten those hunches myself about other things but not about that move. So of course I was pissed. I also know when I get those hunches from Spirit, there's nothing I can do but follow my gut feeling even though every ounce of my being says to resist it. I know it wasn't about her son needing a room when he comes home for visits from college, although it was the final point of decision for Darlene to write that email. Do you have any idea how difficult it was for her to write that email? It was most likely one of the hardest things she's ever had to do -- and she didn't really know why. But writing that email was the best she could do in her situation, considering her other choices. Knowing Darlene, I can understand why she didn't call me instead. I haven't spoken to her but I found my own peace within. I had to find peace for my own sanity!
If she hadn't acted on her hunch, I would be making a mistake by moving in with her. That is hard to admit, but it's true. Hindsight... Also, I didn't get the same hunch, so I was driven to pack all my things and get myself in gear to move. I have talked about moving for years, but Spirit knew I would not take action unless I had one helluva good reason. Moving in with Darlene was my reason. If I had a hunch, even for a moment, that the move was a mistake, I never would have prepared to move. I would have fallen victim once again to my plight in government housing. So Darlene was as much an angel as my sister in this situation, even though she has no idea. I'm so glad she followed her gut on this. I know it was hard. I'd like to say I forgive her, but the truth is, forgiveness is irrelevant. She did what she had to do and I'm grateful for it.
On a whole other subject...
I don't know how many of you visit YouTube, but there's an interesting story that has hit the national news. A 16 year old girl who calls herself "lonelygirl15" has been video blogging for months about her life stuck in her bedroom, homeschooled, with religious and strict parents, few friends, and boyfriend troubles. She has become very popular on YouTube and her videos get as much as 700,000 hits each. I have been following her story from Day One, and last week it was revealed that she was an actress who was chosen by a production company to play the character of lonelygirl15. She is actually 19 or 20 (can't remember) and she is nothing like her character in the videos. They plan to turn it into a movie, I think. I don't know, and I don't really care one way or the other. I enjoy her videos and I will continue to stay subscribed. But the main reason I am writing about this is because of Karla. She is the true lonelygirl15. Karla's story is nearly identical. She is also 16 and homeschooled with boyfriend problems, few friends, and a religious parent. I thought of Karla every time I watched lonelygirl's videos. The similarities are uncanny and downright amazing! But Karla is not an actress. It's truly HER life!
I just had to throw that in because the rest of the world will never know that someone in this world is really leading the life that lonelygirl15 shows in her made-up character.
That's all for now. I will keep you posted on my life -- and it is very real (in case anyone was wondering). Acting is definitely not one of my talents!
I hope life is treating all of you very well!
Jody and I both "knew" somehow that I would get an apartment the first day -- and it would be the first one we looked at. This all came true (even though we spent the whole day looking at the other apartments, too). In the end, they denied my application due to my income not being three times what the rent is and because of a spot on my credit record where I didn't pay a bill from the GAP. That charge was justifiably disputed (long story but trust me on this) and I learned that once you dispute a charge, they simply turn the account over to another credit company. I could continue to dispute the charges again and again or I could write to the two major credit corporations to document my side of the story. (Advice alert -- don't fall into the trap of department store credit cards!) Other than that, my credit was flawless. So Jody decided to rent out the apartment herself (on paper only) and she believes in me enough to risk being accountable for me paying the bills on time. I've said it before, and I'll say it again -- my sister is the greatest sister anyone could have. She has always been supportive of me in any way she can, and this just takes the cake. She and her husband recently bought a townhouse for their son who makes the mortgage payments, so they are his landlord -- plus they have a great investment now. They are making plans to do the same for me but they have to refinance their house first. They are talking about it happening in a year or so. A lot can happen in a year, though, so who knows what's in store for me in the long run. Either way, I am through living in ghetto dumps owned by the government. No more fire drills in the middle of the night. No more maintenance men banging on my door every few days to check something they have to check in all the apartments. No more panhandlers begging for money everytime I walk out my door. No more unwelcome neighbors panhandling at my front door. No more rats or gigantic roaches. No more fears of all the night noises. No more meals on wheels delivering to my apartment and me having to tell them which apartment they are really looking for. No more elevators! No more sirens. No more paramedics coming to the wrong door (mine). No more constant and ongoing noises from construction that never end. Ahhhhh.... I've actually had maintenance men use their keys when I didn't answer the door fast enough. It makes me paranoid just taking a shower. I've been very lucky they haven't walked in on me during a shower. Very lucky! So goodbye to all of it!
The apartment is $635 a month plus utilities, which run about $200 a month if you include cable, phone, and internet. I know I can pull this off. My savings account is bulging, so I will be able to buy the things I need for my new place. There's also a Kroger right across the street! Two different bus routes stop right in front of the apartment. No more survival mode. I will just have to cut corners on my daily spending, which I've done before and never went without anything I needed. So it's all good.
I won't get to move in for two months, though. That's the soonest the apartment will be ready. It's a ground floor apartment, which I insisted on. I could have moved into another apartment this week but it was a level up and a bit more expensive because it overlooks the pool. I chose the other apartment because I don't care about looking at the pool or climbing stairs. Who knows when my MS will flare up. So the wait is worth it. I'll have time to save even more money and build up my savings to a very comfortable level.
Needless to say, I am very excited about this move!
I know I said that I wouldn't mention Darlene anymore, but I was very angry at the time. I found peace with her decision even before Jody and I went apartment hunting. I know her well enough to know that she had an unexpected "hunch" that the move was wrong for some reason. I've gotten those hunches myself about other things but not about that move. So of course I was pissed. I also know when I get those hunches from Spirit, there's nothing I can do but follow my gut feeling even though every ounce of my being says to resist it. I know it wasn't about her son needing a room when he comes home for visits from college, although it was the final point of decision for Darlene to write that email. Do you have any idea how difficult it was for her to write that email? It was most likely one of the hardest things she's ever had to do -- and she didn't really know why. But writing that email was the best she could do in her situation, considering her other choices. Knowing Darlene, I can understand why she didn't call me instead. I haven't spoken to her but I found my own peace within. I had to find peace for my own sanity!
If she hadn't acted on her hunch, I would be making a mistake by moving in with her. That is hard to admit, but it's true. Hindsight... Also, I didn't get the same hunch, so I was driven to pack all my things and get myself in gear to move. I have talked about moving for years, but Spirit knew I would not take action unless I had one helluva good reason. Moving in with Darlene was my reason. If I had a hunch, even for a moment, that the move was a mistake, I never would have prepared to move. I would have fallen victim once again to my plight in government housing. So Darlene was as much an angel as my sister in this situation, even though she has no idea. I'm so glad she followed her gut on this. I know it was hard. I'd like to say I forgive her, but the truth is, forgiveness is irrelevant. She did what she had to do and I'm grateful for it.
On a whole other subject...
I don't know how many of you visit YouTube, but there's an interesting story that has hit the national news. A 16 year old girl who calls herself "lonelygirl15" has been video blogging for months about her life stuck in her bedroom, homeschooled, with religious and strict parents, few friends, and boyfriend troubles. She has become very popular on YouTube and her videos get as much as 700,000 hits each. I have been following her story from Day One, and last week it was revealed that she was an actress who was chosen by a production company to play the character of lonelygirl15. She is actually 19 or 20 (can't remember) and she is nothing like her character in the videos. They plan to turn it into a movie, I think. I don't know, and I don't really care one way or the other. I enjoy her videos and I will continue to stay subscribed. But the main reason I am writing about this is because of Karla. She is the true lonelygirl15. Karla's story is nearly identical. She is also 16 and homeschooled with boyfriend problems, few friends, and a religious parent. I thought of Karla every time I watched lonelygirl's videos. The similarities are uncanny and downright amazing! But Karla is not an actress. It's truly HER life!
I just had to throw that in because the rest of the world will never know that someone in this world is really leading the life that lonelygirl15 shows in her made-up character.
That's all for now. I will keep you posted on my life -- and it is very real (in case anyone was wondering). Acting is definitely not one of my talents!
I hope life is treating all of you very well!
Sunday, September 10, 2006
I Want it All
This video shows my apartment hunting adventures yesterday with my sister. I have a much more involved post coming next, but for now this video says a lot.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Betrayed AGAIN!
Darlene backed out of our moving plans. Just like that. In an email for goddsake!!!She didn't even have the balls to call me on the phone!
?????????????????????
She made the decision without even talking to me about it. I feel DISSED and MAD AS HELL! I'm mad at myself for trusting her and buying into her BULLSHIT! There was no incident to provoke this new development. We were both on the same page, and we were communicating regularly. She KNEW I was already packed and ready to move. I got rid of a lot of my stuff, too, so I would fit into that room. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!!! I've been crying for two days over this -- not because of the move but how she had NO REGARD for me whatsoever! At this point I wouldn't move in with her if she PAID me! How stupid of me to trust someone who has proven again and again to be untrustworthy. She claimed to have changed and DUMMY ME believed her. I will never again fall into her CRAP! NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!!The reason she gave was because her son, who is in college in Idaho, needs the room for when he comes home to visit. But I don't even trust that reason! I don't believe anything she says anymore. Her words mean nothing. It's all empty bullshit. ALL OF IT! I feel like such a fool!
I also paid her $200 to have the room ready this month so I could move in gradually. If she would have told me over the phone (at least) and said she changed her mind and she has my money in her hand to send me, I would have a scrap of respect left for her. But Small Claims Court, here I come!
I will never EVER give her one ounce of my time or energy again. What a fucking waste of time and hope and trust. She has no idea what she just did. This is the last you'll ever hear about Darlene from me. Karla, on the other hand, will be in my life forever. She told me she was relieved in a way that I wasn't moving in because she knew her mother would eventually hurt me. Karla and Darlene may be mother and daughter, but my relationship with Karla is very healthy and something I cherish. Even though Karla is a teenager, she is WAY more trustworthy than Dalene is even capable of being. I promised Karla that if anything ever happened between me and Darlene, it would not affect our relationship one bit. And it won't.
Meanwhile, I am surrounded by more support than I realized I had. All my friends are genuinely angry about this because they know the hopes and dreams I had about this move are now shattered. I called Jodie in MN and she said to never doubt my feelings of betrayal because that's exactly what this is. She let me cry on her shoulder. Then I called my sister who also let me cry on her shoulder. She is very solution oriented and set up an appointment with an apartment finder. We're checking out apartments this Saturday and there's already quite a few lined up. I have not withdrawn my 30 days notice. Nothing at this point is hindering my move. It's time for me to leave this place. The energy here is heavy and it is wearing me down. Because I don't drive, even a simple shopping trip is a major ordeal. I feel like all I do is try to survive, and I am sick of being in survival mode all the damn time. I deserve better.
Yesterday, after reading Darlene's COLD email, I realized I had no food in the house. So I decided to walk to Publix and pick up enough food to last a few days. The minute I started shopping, I heard the song "So you had a bad day...." Then after checking out and loading my items in the pull cart, I walked out the door to see a major downpour! So I waited until it died down enough to make it to the bus station. It's about 4 blocks away. When the rain turned into a sprinkle, I walked to the station. Another downpour happened on the way, and I got soaked! My groceries were soaked. I stood and waited for the bus, but the route had changed to running less frequently. So I waited and waited until the rain stopped, then I walked the rest of the way home, 5 blocks, soaking wet. As soon as i walked in the door, the radio (which I leave on for Angel) was playing "So you had a bad day...."
My mind was so blown that I ended up going to bed and sleeping for 12 hours. I don't get it. I just don't.
I do know that everything happens for a reason, and even though I am confused about the reason, I need to cling to it regardless. I have to believe there's something better in store for me. Success is the best revenge, and I'm more determined than ever to succeed. No way is Darlene going to affect my success! No way is she ever going to affect my life!!! Good riddance to her! As Christ would say, "I never knew you." Another chapter of my life has ended, but I am not clsing the book. I may be a sensitive soul, but I am also a survivor.
I decided to write about this here because I know I have internet friends who actually CARE! Thanks to those of you who are reading this. You mean so much to me!
?????????????????????
She made the decision without even talking to me about it. I feel DISSED and MAD AS HELL! I'm mad at myself for trusting her and buying into her BULLSHIT! There was no incident to provoke this new development. We were both on the same page, and we were communicating regularly. She KNEW I was already packed and ready to move. I got rid of a lot of my stuff, too, so I would fit into that room. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!!! I've been crying for two days over this -- not because of the move but how she had NO REGARD for me whatsoever! At this point I wouldn't move in with her if she PAID me! How stupid of me to trust someone who has proven again and again to be untrustworthy. She claimed to have changed and DUMMY ME believed her. I will never again fall into her CRAP! NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!!The reason she gave was because her son, who is in college in Idaho, needs the room for when he comes home to visit. But I don't even trust that reason! I don't believe anything she says anymore. Her words mean nothing. It's all empty bullshit. ALL OF IT! I feel like such a fool!
I also paid her $200 to have the room ready this month so I could move in gradually. If she would have told me over the phone (at least) and said she changed her mind and she has my money in her hand to send me, I would have a scrap of respect left for her. But Small Claims Court, here I come!
I will never EVER give her one ounce of my time or energy again. What a fucking waste of time and hope and trust. She has no idea what she just did. This is the last you'll ever hear about Darlene from me. Karla, on the other hand, will be in my life forever. She told me she was relieved in a way that I wasn't moving in because she knew her mother would eventually hurt me. Karla and Darlene may be mother and daughter, but my relationship with Karla is very healthy and something I cherish. Even though Karla is a teenager, she is WAY more trustworthy than Dalene is even capable of being. I promised Karla that if anything ever happened between me and Darlene, it would not affect our relationship one bit. And it won't.
Meanwhile, I am surrounded by more support than I realized I had. All my friends are genuinely angry about this because they know the hopes and dreams I had about this move are now shattered. I called Jodie in MN and she said to never doubt my feelings of betrayal because that's exactly what this is. She let me cry on her shoulder. Then I called my sister who also let me cry on her shoulder. She is very solution oriented and set up an appointment with an apartment finder. We're checking out apartments this Saturday and there's already quite a few lined up. I have not withdrawn my 30 days notice. Nothing at this point is hindering my move. It's time for me to leave this place. The energy here is heavy and it is wearing me down. Because I don't drive, even a simple shopping trip is a major ordeal. I feel like all I do is try to survive, and I am sick of being in survival mode all the damn time. I deserve better.
Yesterday, after reading Darlene's COLD email, I realized I had no food in the house. So I decided to walk to Publix and pick up enough food to last a few days. The minute I started shopping, I heard the song "So you had a bad day...." Then after checking out and loading my items in the pull cart, I walked out the door to see a major downpour! So I waited until it died down enough to make it to the bus station. It's about 4 blocks away. When the rain turned into a sprinkle, I walked to the station. Another downpour happened on the way, and I got soaked! My groceries were soaked. I stood and waited for the bus, but the route had changed to running less frequently. So I waited and waited until the rain stopped, then I walked the rest of the way home, 5 blocks, soaking wet. As soon as i walked in the door, the radio (which I leave on for Angel) was playing "So you had a bad day...."
My mind was so blown that I ended up going to bed and sleeping for 12 hours. I don't get it. I just don't.
I do know that everything happens for a reason, and even though I am confused about the reason, I need to cling to it regardless. I have to believe there's something better in store for me. Success is the best revenge, and I'm more determined than ever to succeed. No way is Darlene going to affect my success! No way is she ever going to affect my life!!! Good riddance to her! As Christ would say, "I never knew you." Another chapter of my life has ended, but I am not clsing the book. I may be a sensitive soul, but I am also a survivor.
I decided to write about this here because I know I have internet friends who actually CARE! Thanks to those of you who are reading this. You mean so much to me!
Monday, September 04, 2006
My Hometown
This is a video I shot today when Demetrius and I decided to walk to the store for a pack of cigs. We both are in denial about our smoking habits, and we end up buying a pack every day or so instead of buying enough to last a few days. Neither of us want to admit we smoke, and we blame each other for our smoking habits. But this video is not about smoking! I just wanted to capture our walk together through our neighborhood. I'm moving soon, so it's time to create memories of my current neighborhood in Atlanta. I've never lived anywhere as long as I have here, not even during childhood, so this really has become home to me. It will be sad to leave, but I know it will be much better where I'm going.
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