Saturday, August 11, 2007
Asylum
Beth and I spent the day at Central State Hospital in Milledgeville, GA. This place is full of both tragedy and hope. It's one of my favorite places to visit, especially with a video camera. I honestly feel as if I am visiting my ancestors, possibly myself from a past lifetime. There is something very healing about visiting the memorial. The energy is sacred and beautiful.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
My drawings, dedicated to MN friends and artists.
I figured it was about time I posted my artwork. During the process of making this video, it unfolded magically on its own to become a dedication, not only to my friends in Minnesota, but to those Minnesotan commuters whom I have never met. I pray that we all make it home safely.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
How I deal with mental breakdowns
As most of you already know, I refuse to take any medications for mental illness, even though every doctor I've seen has stated that I need to be on medications for the rest of my life. That is why I no longer see doctors. So what do I do in a crisis situation? How do I deal with the symptoms? This question was asked the other day, and I realized that I needed to write a blog post about it. My answer is highly unconventional, yet I feel it's long overdue.
Before I answer, let me describe the symptoms I experience. I hate the word "symptoms" by the way because they are simply human experiences, yet for this post I'll use the term because it is the psychiatric term used in diagnosing specific, unwonted human experiences.
Depression. When I get depressed, I can't get out of bed. I have no motivation to do anything. All I can do is cry and think about dying. Life has no meaning whatsoever. I find no joy in any activity, and even lying in bed is painful. There is no escape. Nothing helps. I can't tolerate any social situation, and I don't answer the phone or the door. It's a miracle I am still alive today because suicide is the most comforting thought I carry. It allows me a sense of power amidst all the powerlessness that depression brings.
Anxiety. When I am feeling anxious, life becomes overwhelming. I cannot handle noise or movement. It makes me want to scream and lash out and stop the chaos in any way possible. I feel jumpy and desperate and totally out of control. When I get this way, I can truly identify with the person who goes on a shooting spree. That is hard to admit, but it is so true. Again, that fantasy allows me a sense of power amidst the powerlessness that anxiety brings.
Dissociation. Dissociation, for me, is very similar to being in a state of shock. Everything around me becomes surreal. It's like I've been thrust into another reality where nothing is like it was before. Think of a time when you first heard the news of a loved one's unexpected death. That is similar to what dissociation is like for me, except there was no death. Also, my memory gets really bad, and time becomes warped and distorted.
Those are my three primary experiences and symptoms that have been diagnosed by psychiatrists since 1982. The actual diagnoses vary, depending on the psychiatrist, and some of them include Major Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and the list goes on. I've also been diagnosed with illnesses that have nothing to do with the symptoms I described. You see, once I got into the system, I developed other behaviors simply from the side effects from the medications I was given or from trying to survive in a psychiatric hospital or day program. These added behaviors were diagnosed with things like Chronic Undifferentiated Schizophrenia, Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizo Affective Disorder, and the list goes on.
These are the reasons I do not believe in the existence of mental illness. The system simply can't get it right, most likely due to the fact that there are no scientific tests for any mental illness. Psychiatrists -- and NAMI -- will tell you that brain scans show differences in the brain chemistry of people with these illnesses, but hey, they failed to stop the medications before scanning the brains. Those scans are of chemically-altered brains! Other explanations are possible, too, like childhood trauma, which is the most prevelant occurance in people who have been diagnosed with a mental illness. But this whole brain-chemistry topic is for another post. It gets pretty involved.
So what do I do when those symptoms occur that I described above?
I embrace them. I honor them for what they are and I feel them for all they are worth. If I am depressed, I feel the depression as if I were being paid to describe to someone what depression is like. I describe it as I am feeling it. I don't try to distract myself from it the way everyone advises me to do. I hear things like "Take a walk, call a friend, go out with friends, exercise, do anything except feel the depression, you are only dwelling on it and it will make things worse, and for godssake don't isolate!" I used to feel so guilty for not being able to follow their advice. Not anymore! I will dwell on my depression. I will isolate. I will remove myself from all of society and I will treat myself to whatever my heart desires. That usually means isolating and wallowing in depression and crying my heart out for no reason. There is movement in crying! There is healing. I cry as deeply as my body will allow, and the exhaustion that follows is the most healing experience of all. And "healing" does not mean that the depression is over. It may be around for a while, and that is okay. It is not something that needs to be healed. Depression is simply another human experience, and by god, I am going to experience it!
So what happens when you stop trying to cure depression? The only thing constant is change, and that includes depression. It is always temporary, and you can count on it.
Allowing depression to run its natural course ultimately allowed me to become a more compassionate and empathetic human being than I ever was before. These traits are priceless and eternal. No SSRI could ever accomplish that. Not even close.
Intolerance for noise and movement peaked when I lived in the downtown high rise. The chaos was constant, and my cockatiel Jake added to the chaos every day. I was nearly at the point of hurting that precious little bird, and that's when I realized I absolutely had to find a way to cope with my anxiety. So I began paying attention to the chaos, soaking it in, refusing to try and make it go away, no longer believing that I would find peace if it all stopped. I said "Bring it on!" and I meant it. I observed myself experiencing the chaos and knew that I was safe in the midst of it. It is an amazing, transformational process of surrender, which has far greater value than anything Xanax can offer.
This method also worked with Dissociation. The diagnosis used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder. If I have other personalities inside of me, why not get to know them and embrace them and learn from them? They are there for a reason, and they are me! I could write a whole post on this subject alone (and maybe I will), but trying to fight off any aspect of myself, whether it is depression, anxiety, or multiple personalities, is only denying myself yet another human experience. I refuse to do that anymore. I have a right to experience being human because I am human!
So, what really happens when I embrace all these symptoms rather than fix (mask) them through psychiatric "treatments"? Hmmmm.... well, I very rarely have any of these symptoms anymore, and when I do, they don't last nearly as long. To be honest, I can't remember details of their recurrences anymore because they don't stand out like they used to. They are no longer "bad" or "horrible" in my mind or my experience, so why make a note of them? It's like having a rainy day. Who cares? It just happens. Anyway, my goal was never to make the symptoms go away. It just happened.
Probably the greatest benefit of using this method is the lack of fear and guilt I now have toward any of these symptoms creeping into my life.
I truly believe I am on to something here.
I also use this method for other things that are uncomfortable, like quitting smoking. I didn't use any distractions like gum or exercise whenever I would have a craving, which was constant in the beginning. I felt the craving, even invited it. And of course the cravings subsided. I have no desire to smoke anymore, but if the desire creeps in, I take the time to feel it and embrace it. Feelings can't kill you, but smoking can.
One more thing...
What about the individual who experiences these symptoms yet is unable to embrace them without becoming a danger to herself or others?
This is the primary use, in my opinion, for medication -- on a temporary basis. Just to get through the crisis. The greatest atrocity of the mental health system is dooming a human being to taking powerful, mind-altering drugs for the rest of her life.
This is what keeps me up at night. This is what fuels my passion as an advocate.
Before I answer, let me describe the symptoms I experience. I hate the word "symptoms" by the way because they are simply human experiences, yet for this post I'll use the term because it is the psychiatric term used in diagnosing specific, unwonted human experiences.
Depression. When I get depressed, I can't get out of bed. I have no motivation to do anything. All I can do is cry and think about dying. Life has no meaning whatsoever. I find no joy in any activity, and even lying in bed is painful. There is no escape. Nothing helps. I can't tolerate any social situation, and I don't answer the phone or the door. It's a miracle I am still alive today because suicide is the most comforting thought I carry. It allows me a sense of power amidst all the powerlessness that depression brings.
Anxiety. When I am feeling anxious, life becomes overwhelming. I cannot handle noise or movement. It makes me want to scream and lash out and stop the chaos in any way possible. I feel jumpy and desperate and totally out of control. When I get this way, I can truly identify with the person who goes on a shooting spree. That is hard to admit, but it is so true. Again, that fantasy allows me a sense of power amidst the powerlessness that anxiety brings.
Dissociation. Dissociation, for me, is very similar to being in a state of shock. Everything around me becomes surreal. It's like I've been thrust into another reality where nothing is like it was before. Think of a time when you first heard the news of a loved one's unexpected death. That is similar to what dissociation is like for me, except there was no death. Also, my memory gets really bad, and time becomes warped and distorted.
Those are my three primary experiences and symptoms that have been diagnosed by psychiatrists since 1982. The actual diagnoses vary, depending on the psychiatrist, and some of them include Major Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and the list goes on. I've also been diagnosed with illnesses that have nothing to do with the symptoms I described. You see, once I got into the system, I developed other behaviors simply from the side effects from the medications I was given or from trying to survive in a psychiatric hospital or day program. These added behaviors were diagnosed with things like Chronic Undifferentiated Schizophrenia, Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizo Affective Disorder, and the list goes on.
These are the reasons I do not believe in the existence of mental illness. The system simply can't get it right, most likely due to the fact that there are no scientific tests for any mental illness. Psychiatrists -- and NAMI -- will tell you that brain scans show differences in the brain chemistry of people with these illnesses, but hey, they failed to stop the medications before scanning the brains. Those scans are of chemically-altered brains! Other explanations are possible, too, like childhood trauma, which is the most prevelant occurance in people who have been diagnosed with a mental illness. But this whole brain-chemistry topic is for another post. It gets pretty involved.
So what do I do when those symptoms occur that I described above?
I embrace them. I honor them for what they are and I feel them for all they are worth. If I am depressed, I feel the depression as if I were being paid to describe to someone what depression is like. I describe it as I am feeling it. I don't try to distract myself from it the way everyone advises me to do. I hear things like "Take a walk, call a friend, go out with friends, exercise, do anything except feel the depression, you are only dwelling on it and it will make things worse, and for godssake don't isolate!" I used to feel so guilty for not being able to follow their advice. Not anymore! I will dwell on my depression. I will isolate. I will remove myself from all of society and I will treat myself to whatever my heart desires. That usually means isolating and wallowing in depression and crying my heart out for no reason. There is movement in crying! There is healing. I cry as deeply as my body will allow, and the exhaustion that follows is the most healing experience of all. And "healing" does not mean that the depression is over. It may be around for a while, and that is okay. It is not something that needs to be healed. Depression is simply another human experience, and by god, I am going to experience it!
So what happens when you stop trying to cure depression? The only thing constant is change, and that includes depression. It is always temporary, and you can count on it.
Allowing depression to run its natural course ultimately allowed me to become a more compassionate and empathetic human being than I ever was before. These traits are priceless and eternal. No SSRI could ever accomplish that. Not even close.
Intolerance for noise and movement peaked when I lived in the downtown high rise. The chaos was constant, and my cockatiel Jake added to the chaos every day. I was nearly at the point of hurting that precious little bird, and that's when I realized I absolutely had to find a way to cope with my anxiety. So I began paying attention to the chaos, soaking it in, refusing to try and make it go away, no longer believing that I would find peace if it all stopped. I said "Bring it on!" and I meant it. I observed myself experiencing the chaos and knew that I was safe in the midst of it. It is an amazing, transformational process of surrender, which has far greater value than anything Xanax can offer.
This method also worked with Dissociation. The diagnosis used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder. If I have other personalities inside of me, why not get to know them and embrace them and learn from them? They are there for a reason, and they are me! I could write a whole post on this subject alone (and maybe I will), but trying to fight off any aspect of myself, whether it is depression, anxiety, or multiple personalities, is only denying myself yet another human experience. I refuse to do that anymore. I have a right to experience being human because I am human!
So, what really happens when I embrace all these symptoms rather than fix (mask) them through psychiatric "treatments"? Hmmmm.... well, I very rarely have any of these symptoms anymore, and when I do, they don't last nearly as long. To be honest, I can't remember details of their recurrences anymore because they don't stand out like they used to. They are no longer "bad" or "horrible" in my mind or my experience, so why make a note of them? It's like having a rainy day. Who cares? It just happens. Anyway, my goal was never to make the symptoms go away. It just happened.
Probably the greatest benefit of using this method is the lack of fear and guilt I now have toward any of these symptoms creeping into my life.
I truly believe I am on to something here.
I also use this method for other things that are uncomfortable, like quitting smoking. I didn't use any distractions like gum or exercise whenever I would have a craving, which was constant in the beginning. I felt the craving, even invited it. And of course the cravings subsided. I have no desire to smoke anymore, but if the desire creeps in, I take the time to feel it and embrace it. Feelings can't kill you, but smoking can.
One more thing...
What about the individual who experiences these symptoms yet is unable to embrace them without becoming a danger to herself or others?
This is the primary use, in my opinion, for medication -- on a temporary basis. Just to get through the crisis. The greatest atrocity of the mental health system is dooming a human being to taking powerful, mind-altering drugs for the rest of her life.
This is what keeps me up at night. This is what fuels my passion as an advocate.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Bipolar or Waking Up? 1of 5: The Start of the Journey
This is the story of Sean's journey through a five-part video series. It is the most remarkable story I have heard in a long, long time. I posted all five videos on the Faces of Recovery blog, and I highly recommend that you watch them. You won't be sorry!
Friday, July 20, 2007
A salad so healthy it will make you sick
This is just for fun to try out my new tripod. I'm making my favorite dish, and Angel is helping me!
Monday, July 16, 2007
CNN is on my shit list
I can see where this country is headed. All these years of fighting for rights for people labeled mentally ill and CNN could shoot that all down in one weekend. The mentally ill should be locked up so everyone else will feel safer. This is the attitude I've been getting ever since the VA Tech shootings. I saw it coming, even back then. It's a new public outcry for outpatient commitment. We could have avoided VA Tech if outpatient commitment were strictly enforced, right? Wrong!
Cho would have been released from outpatient commitment. He would have had fresh anger upon his release, too. That's the gift the mental health system offers. It cannot prevent violence because it perpetuates it. I was never violent until I stepped through those doors. Let all lawmakers be forced into outpatient medications and case management for one month. Let's see if they will continue to advocate for stricter outpatient commitment laws.
How could outpatient commitment possibly be the answer to potentially violent behavior?
We are human beings, all of us. With human beings comes all the good and all the bad. It's called human nature, and it's been around since Day One of human existence. It has nothing to do with a label you are given. You are human no matter what, and you either have the capacity to kill or you don't. I seriously doubt that punishing people ahead of time is going to stop human nature from being what it is.
Right now the public sits in ignorance. That can't last forever, not in this day and age. Thanks to the drug companies, more and more people are experiencing the mental health system. More and more people are learning what "treatment" really means. People will soon become as intolerant as I have. I see this coming just as I did the public outcries for outpatient commitment. It's just a matter of time. Meanwhile I will do whatever it takes to protect myself and others from outpatient commitment, and wait patiently.
Cho would have been released from outpatient commitment. He would have had fresh anger upon his release, too. That's the gift the mental health system offers. It cannot prevent violence because it perpetuates it. I was never violent until I stepped through those doors. Let all lawmakers be forced into outpatient medications and case management for one month. Let's see if they will continue to advocate for stricter outpatient commitment laws.
How could outpatient commitment possibly be the answer to potentially violent behavior?
We are human beings, all of us. With human beings comes all the good and all the bad. It's called human nature, and it's been around since Day One of human existence. It has nothing to do with a label you are given. You are human no matter what, and you either have the capacity to kill or you don't. I seriously doubt that punishing people ahead of time is going to stop human nature from being what it is.
Right now the public sits in ignorance. That can't last forever, not in this day and age. Thanks to the drug companies, more and more people are experiencing the mental health system. More and more people are learning what "treatment" really means. People will soon become as intolerant as I have. I see this coming just as I did the public outcries for outpatient commitment. It's just a matter of time. Meanwhile I will do whatever it takes to protect myself and others from outpatient commitment, and wait patiently.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Click to play (link goes off site)Sunday, July 08, 2007
Say 'no' to New York State forced electroshock
I can't believe what I'm reading about New York's policy on forced ECT. Could you imagine for one minute being dragged against your will to a room specifically designed for shock treatments? People in the mental health field will tell you that forced ECT doesn't happen in the US. WRONG! It is happening right now in New York to a woman named Simone who speaks very little English. From what I am reading, it looks as if language barriers allow for forced TORTURE! I am appalled and horrified at this entire situation. THIS is the reason ECT should be outlawed, and the sooner the better.
The argument against it is that some patients may choose to have it, especially if nothing else has helped their depression. My answer to this argument is that I've never heard this argument coming from someone who has actually had ECT.
But the biggest reason I have for outlawing ECT is the capacity for abuse. If our mental health system had no capacity for abuse, ECT may not be as horrible as it is today. The actual treatment would still be horrible, but at least there would be informed consent involved. But because it is given to people against their will, or coerced when they are inpatient (I've witnessed this many times), it should be outlawed.
Nobody ever deserves to have their brain forcibly damaged by doctors. How ridiculous does that sound? Having your brain damaged by doctors? That is what is happening.
So if you want to read the details of what this woman is going through, and especially if you want to take action, go here.
The argument against it is that some patients may choose to have it, especially if nothing else has helped their depression. My answer to this argument is that I've never heard this argument coming from someone who has actually had ECT.
But the biggest reason I have for outlawing ECT is the capacity for abuse. If our mental health system had no capacity for abuse, ECT may not be as horrible as it is today. The actual treatment would still be horrible, but at least there would be informed consent involved. But because it is given to people against their will, or coerced when they are inpatient (I've witnessed this many times), it should be outlawed.
Nobody ever deserves to have their brain forcibly damaged by doctors. How ridiculous does that sound? Having your brain damaged by doctors? That is what is happening.
So if you want to read the details of what this woman is going through, and especially if you want to take action, go here.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Faces of Recovery: Sherry Jenkins-Tucker, CPS
Sherry is the Executive Director of the Georgia Mental Health Consumer Network. She has something to say about recovery...
Friday, June 29, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Faces of Recovery: Bob Patterson, CPS
This is the latest video in my "Faces of Recovery" series. Bob Patterson is the Project Director for the CPS Project. He is also a friend of mine. This is his story.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Celebrating my first DVD
Beth and I went out to dinner after viewing my first full-length DVD of the Louisiana Peer Support training. Beth was so moved by the film, it was more interesting to watch her reaction rather than to watch the film! She has been such an angel to me. I honestly don't think I would be at the point I am without her encouragement and sheer belief in me. She pushes me to the limit sometimes, especially when I don't feel ready to step outside my comfort zone . If I waited until I was "ready" I doubt I would be holding this DVD in my hand right now. I have an actual product I can use now to show people what I do. It's like my new business card. I plan to sell the DVDs I make from now on, and this will help offset some of the expenses involved. I will also be posting segments on this blog of whatever project I am working on at the time. Tomorrow I'll be going to another training called "I Have a Story to Tell: Trauma Transformation Peer Support." It's a small training being held over 2 days, but I know all the people in the training -- and Beth is the instructor. All the participants know I am coming and they are welcoming me into the classroom for filming! Considering that the subject matter is highly personal, this is a huge thing for any filmmaker!
The good news I promised to tell you at a later date is:
(drum roll please)
I quit smoking! Totally! For good! Forever! I've also been hitting the gym every day -- and I even went swimming yesterday! I haven't been swimming - in an actual swimsuit - for about 20 years. So there are many boxes I am stepping out of, and it feels wonderful!
I feel like my life has just taken off, and I am riding the wave and having a blast!
I hope you enjoy the video. It was made fresh after the first viewing of my first film. It is an event to celebrate, and I feel like the Universe is celebrating with me.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Faces of Recovery
These remarkable individuals are from the Peer Support Outreach training in Louisiana. Each one of them touched my heart in a way that I will never forget. I am so grateful that I was able to meet them face to face and gather so much video footage. They all had something to say! In this video, they talk about recovery, and they show us what recovery looks like. This is also the first video posted to my new blog Faces of Recovery and it includes a short intro of this new video project.
Meet the true faces of recovery in Louisiana!
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Dinner Conversation with Dan Fisher
Dan Fisher is a practicing psychiatrist in Massachusetts who fully recovered from schizophrenia many years ago. He is a walking example of recovery, which is something the mental health system doesn't believe can happen except in rare occasions. People who enter the mental health system with pronounced symptoms are typically given a serious diagnosis and a bleak future. They are told they will be on medication the rest of their lives in order to keep the symptoms stabilized, but that there is no cure for the illness itself. Recovery is unheard of by these newly diagnosed patients, and their future is mapped out by an unbelieving mental health system. I am not exaggerating. This is how it is, and this is something I saw first hand, again, at the Louisiana Peer Support Outreach training. Every person I interviewed said they had been labeled with an incurable mental illness and told they would never recover. Their only hope was to maintain stability by taking medication and participating in day treatment programs, which are designed and run by the same system that diagnosed them. These programs do not teach or expect recovery. They are hospitals without walls.
The thing that struck me the most was that all of these individuals are now in recovery. This happened only after Dan Fisher began his visits with them after Katrina, offered them hope, and introduced the reality of recovery. This is how recovery typically begins.
When people are offered hope and support and encouragement by other people who have recovered, recovery happens all on it own. It just does.
It wouldn't take hundreds of millions of dollars to transform the mental health system. It would take a FREE, NO COST paradigm shift at core levels of the system, starting with medical colleges and universities. If the system itself truly believed in recovery, people would routinely recover. How simple is that?
I get incredibly frustrated when I think about it. Sometimes it makes me cry, especially when I have an experience like I did in Louisiana. This whole concept of recovery hit me over the head like never before. The mental health system in Louisiana is more backward than any other I've seen in this country, yet all it took was Dan Fisher to offer hope to the "hopelessly labeled" for recovery to begin its course. I saw it in each of their faces. I heard it in their stories. It gleamed in their eyes. Hope is a beautiful thing to witness first hand. I'll never forget this trip.
Why is the mental health system so resistant to hope?
Unless hope is instilled at the core level of the system, recovery will not be possible for hundreds of thousands of people - unless they have an encounter with someone who has recovered in spite of the system. It doesn't need to be that way, but it is.
This video is one of my favorites from the Louisiana trip. It's candid and unedited with Dan, Beth, me, and two people from Meaningful Minds, the self-help support network in Louisiana, talking about the terms people adopt to call themselves when they begin to recover and challenge the mental health system. The woman talking is Debra, the executive director of this newly formed organization. We also discuss the chemical imbalance theory of mental illness, which is adopted like religion in the mental health system. It is the primary focus of treatment and prognosis and, most of all, medications. It is highly debatable, as you will see in this video.
I took 106 video clips of my trip. I've just now finished viewing all the footage. I'll be making DVDs to send to the folks in Louisiana as well as to Dan Fisher. The Office of Mental health in Louisiana has also requested a DVD of the footage. Interesting. Meanwhile, I'll be posting clips here and there on this blog. I couldn't resist showing this one first because it is my personal favorite! It's a wonderful introduction to Dan Fisher.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
NAMI on Chemical Imbalance Belief
More on the legislative session in Minnesota debating TeenScreen. This rep socks it to NAMI by stating the obvious. It blows my mind how the obvious is so routinely denied. I have high hopes for Minnesota due to the passion of this man. He's determined to not let the bill slide through unnoticed like it was intended to do.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Behind the Veil
Beth and I went to the Carter Center to talk frankly and honestly about mental health issues. There is no way I could pack all of it into one video, so I will be adding videos one by one as I finish them. I'm disappointed that this is the first clip I'm showing from my new camera because the quality is shocking to me. I tested the camera many times, and this is the only footage that came out badly upon encoding. The raw footage is excellent but something got lost in the translation. Grrrrr! I've done exhaustive tests to figure out what went wrong, but came up with nothing. And it was just the footage at the Carter Center! I don't get it! None of the other footage loses quality upon encoding, even when I choose the lowest quality settings!
I'm posting the footage regardless of the quality because we covered some powerful topics that I don't want to go to waste. This video is Beth talking about connecting with others no matter how isolated some may appear to be.
Next week Beth and I are going to Louisiana!!! She's be doing a training with Dan Fisher from The National Empowerment Center, and I will be tagging along with my camera. This trip just fell into my lap, thanks to Beth. Dan Fisher is someone I admire immensely and could only hope to meet one day. Well, that day has arrived. What a wonderful opportunity!
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