All Those Psych Labels

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Psychiatric Drug Withdrawal

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Jodie Fisher from Minnesota, my good friend for 10 years, talks about her experiences with getting off psychiatric drugs. She experienced this long before the YouTube video diaries and various blogs dedicated to this issue. She was totally alone during her process, and at first she had no idea what she was dealing with. She realized the strange and frightening sensations were withdrawal symptoms when she took a pill and the withdrawals stopped almost immediately. She got no support from her doctor or therapist; in fact, when she refused to take Zoloft anymore because she was nursing her daughter, her therapist insisted she be hospitalized and called an ambulance. There were other issues going on with her, of course, but the power struggle over the medication was the deciding factor behind her involuntary hospitalization. Today she knows without a doubt that it had nothing to do with psychosis, but she was having a spiritual crisis that she truly needed to deal with on that level. She did not need any medication, nor did she need to be hospitalized. She was not a danger to herself or others, yet that wasn't considered when the ambulance was called.

I plan to post more of her story with the mental health system, but for now her withdrawal story is a good start.

I also posted another video on Faces of Recovery called Peter Ashendon Speaks Out. He was a keynote speaker at the Network conference, and his story is compelling, inspiring, and well worth your time.

Mostly geeky news

I posted a new video today on the Faces of Recovery blog. Go check it out!

In other news....

I GOT A NEW COMPUTER!!!!

I had to do it. My old computer was groaning, "No more videos, please! You are taxing my energies and turning me into an old, old man." So I finally listened. Who cares that I'm going deeper into debt, right? But get this. I picked out the computer I wanted, an HP Pavilion (just like I always get), had my mouse on the "submit" button, all ready to pay, when all of a sudden I thought, "hmmmmm, I wonder if there's a coupon code for this computer." I jumped over to Google real quick and typed in "coupon code hp pavilion" and at the very top was a code for $400 off an HP Pavilion! I typed in the code to my total, and I watched the price magically go down $400. When does that ever happen, right? So I took it as a sign that I will be okay financially in buying this computer.

And now that I have it all set up, I am wondering how in the world I was able to do all I was doing on my other computer? That thing is at least 4 years old. It had 40 gigs hard drive space and, yes, 256 mbs of RAM. And here I was expecting it to handle several gigabytes worth of footage in my video editor. No wonder why it took me hours to edit one video! And forget about encoding! This new computer is a powerhouse in comparison. It has 2 gigs of RAM and one Terabyte of hard drive space! I can be editing videos, pause to make another video in Windows Picture Show, search and download podsafe music, edit some pictures in Photoshop, and check my email without closing any windows. It's just amazing what I can do now!

And I don't understand all the whining about Windows Vista! It's compatible with every peripheral and software program I own. There was no learning curve, either, and everything was customizable to my personal comfort zone. It hasn't crashed once, and I just couldn't be happier right now. Don't believe everything you hear about Vista. Be your own judge.

Of course I've only used it for two days so far :o)

My friend Jodie will be here Sunday to stay with me all week long! September 18th is 9-9-9, which is why she's coming. That probably sounds odd considering most people consider September 18th to be 9-18-07. But in numerology it's 9-9-9 and it's the perfect reason for her to visit. It's the Quantum Leap celebration in some spiritual circles, including ours. It's also a good excuse to visit a friend in Georgia. I plan to post videos of her visit, maybe even while she's still here. She and I often go to different dimensions when we get together. If you don't know what that means, you will soon find out. Maybe...

Search Terms Just for Fun

I've seen other bloggers do this and I always thought it was so interesting, so maybe it will be interesting to my readers, too. I have a stat page that tells me which keywords people type into Google that ultimately bring them to Rayne's World. The latest keywords are:

gogo lidz
rayne's world
andy rayne
wake up seeing 111, 222, 333, 444, 555
youtube dark rayne
how to deal with mental people
jayme blogspot
april rayne did she die

The one about the triple digits is the most common. April Rayne is common too even though I have no idea who she is. I've never heard of Andy Rayne or dark rayne. GoGo Lidz is common. She's a DJ on MTV in case you don't know her. (Pun alert if you didn't get it. Check archives)

How to deal with mental people? Aw come on!

This geeky stat stuff is hilarious!

Luciano Pavarotti - Ave Maria - Schubert

The Great Divide

I've had enough time to recover from the Georgia Mental Health Consumer Network summer conference, so I thought I'd write something about it. I posted a video on the Faces of Recovery blog of some of the opening remarks by my friend and collegue, Sherry Jenkins-Tucker. I decided not to cross post the video because so many people are subscribed to both blogs and they would get duplicates in their email.

This was the third conference I'd attended, and it was by far the most powerful. Not because of any of the activities or workshops or keynotes, but because of the harsh realities I came to realize through the unfolding of the conference.

We are a divided system here in Georgia. We have the "medical model" folks and we have the "recovery model" folks, and both camps were strongly represented at the conference. I was dumbfounded at times because I am typically surrounded by empowered individuals who are in recovery, yet I came face to face with individuals who have no clue what recovery is. They talk about their medications and their doctors and their day programs. That's all well and good for them, but what about a life outside of the mental health system? What about friends and movies and sports and classes and jobs and all the other things that life has to offer? I would have loved to hear about the whole person rather than one diagnosed aspect. We are people first! But our humanity is stripped away from us if we totally buy into the medical model of treatment, which is so painfully prevelant.

I felt this sense of dark oppression among the participants in the conference. I heard staff members who'd brought consumers to the conference straight from the day programs, warn consumers not to stay in their hotel rooms and play hooky from the workshops. I heard one staff person tell their group that they were in school and needed to go to "class", referring to the workshops. In other words, this conference became an extension of their day treatment programs. I ran into one consumer in the elevator scared of missing an event that she was "supposed" to attend and scared of "getting in trouble."

This broke my heart.

After that encounter, I turned to find a room full of peers who were relaxing and playing cards and talking and just kicking back. This was the peer support room, one of the new additions to the conference this year. It was a welcomed success. I just wonder if some of the more oppressed consumers were even allowed to go into that room.

I walked into the auditorium to hear one of the state people talking about how they planned to spend the mental health budget. I saw the Power Point presentation plastered with the typical medical model crap, just like every other year. So I left and filmed the gorgeous sunset at the pier. Later, two consumers joined me and we had fun just getting to know each other. I couldn't help but think of all the consumers still in the auditorium, at that point, pouring their hearts out to the deaf ears of the governor's advisory council. I doubt this council ever had a meeting with the governor, and I doubt even more their power. All I know is that the consumers who spoke to them were sincere and authentic and believed their voices were being heard.

The next day, the Network presented awards to various individuals and organizations who deserved recognition for the work they'd done the previous year. This part of the conference is always fun, but this year I nearly shit my pants when Andy Miller accepted the journalism award. He is the journalist, along with Alan Judd, who broke the story for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution about all the deaths in the state hospitals in Georgia. The "Hidden Shame" series is still going on, and it has shaken the state office to its core. You can see an overview of all the articles and the fallout at this webpage, hosted by the Network. Andy Miller is a hero to all consumers in Georgia who are at risk of being admitted or committed to one of Georgia's seven state hospitals. He and Alan, through these articles, are our strongest voices to the state right now. I was totally taken by surprise when I saw Andy there. Wow wow wow!

The mental health system in Georgia is ranked one of the lowest in the country. I think it's #45 but I may be wrong. I know it's in the 40s out of 50 states. They also got a D grade on the prestigious NAMI report card. Not that I give a crap about NAMI but it's enough for our governor to call a special meeting to hear how Georgia can raise its grade.

One the other side of this great divide is Peer Support, which is ranked number one in the country. Guess which programs the state has decided to cut? Can you say Peer Support? Very good.

The more ridiculous our state becomes, the more obvious it appears before the public. So go ahead, Georgia, DHR, Sonny Perdue, get as ridiculous as possible so that any person with an ounce of common sense can see all the damage you are doing. When the public takes notice, things finally get addressed, and people get voted out of office, appointees get replaced, burned-out bureaucrats get lost. So keep doing what you're doing, Georgia. You are only hanging yourself.

Forgive them, for they know not what they do.

Seriously, they are incredibly blind.

I know why this is happening! The people who are in charge of the mental health system, the policy makers, the doctors, nurses, case managers, and even the family members do not believe in the capacity and the intrinsic value of individuals they are supposed to be helping. Not only do they not believe in recovery, but they impose their disempowering beliefs onto some of the most intelligent, compassionate, and creative individuals in the state of Georgia. If only they knew what I know. If only they saw what I see. If only they believed.

But you can't force a belief onto someone else. You can't make a policy saying you must believe in the consumers you serve. This is why I have little hope of the system truly transforming. If changes are going to be made, they will most likely be made outside the system from people who actually get it. And these angels of hope will be offering strong, recovery-based alternatives to some of our most vulnerable citizens. You may even be one of those angels. I know I am.

Recovery from the Mental Health System

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I suppose if I am going to be filming recovery stories next week at the Network conference, I should post mine as well. I am looking forward to the conference. For those who don't know, this is an annual statewide conference for Georgia mental health cosumers and survivors. You can learn more at the conference webpage.

I Don't Care if You Hate Anti-Psychiatry

The last few days, the traffic to this blog has risen exponentially. It's an interesting story, so I thought I'd share.

I wrote a comment on the blog Shrink Rap, written by three psychiatrists who also have a podcast titled My Three Shrinks that I listen to regularly. They are mainstream psychiatrists, and their charm is simply irresistible to me. The topics they cover generally keep me informed on how typical psychiatrists think about current topics in psychiatry. I just believe it's a good idea to have a well-rounded view of psychiatry because I could get lost in short-sightedness and bitterness in my anti-psychiatry activism. Their views are surprisingly easy on the ears.

Anyway, the comment I made (where I revealed I was anti-psychiatry) stirred a whole slew of heated discussions on that topic. A summary can be found on Dinah's latest post titled I Don't Care if You Hate Shrinks. In short, Roy, one of the shrinks, linked to my post How I Deal With Mental Breakdowns. Well, some readers, and Dinah, had a problem with Roy linking to a anti-psychiatry blog.

And so the discussion continues. It's a great discussion, and I hope you check it out, especially if you are a regular reader of Rayne's World. And this discussion has brought literally hundreds and hundreds of readers to this blog, and especially to a certain post, which happens to be the most personal post I've ever written on Rayne's World.

Just for the record, I am not anti-psychiatrist, just anti-psychiatry. Shrinks are people too, and most of them are pretty nice. They just need to practice true informed consent, rather than cookie-cutter treatment regiments for individuals arbitrarily placed in DSM boxes. I just had to throw that in so no one would fear I'd gone to the other side.

Shrink Rap is now a part of my blog roll. Check them out if you believe in true informed consent. This blog only gives the anti-psychiatry side of things, and I would never want an individual to feel stigmatized for choosing psychiatry. It all boils down to choices, folks, all choices.

Asylum

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Beth and I spent the day at Central State Hospital in Milledgeville, GA. This place is full of both tragedy and hope. It's one of my favorite places to visit, especially with a video camera. I honestly feel as if I am visiting my ancestors, possibly myself from a past lifetime. There is something very healing about visiting the memorial. The energy is sacred and beautiful.

My drawings, dedicated to MN friends and artists.

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I figured it was about time I posted my artwork. During the process of making this video, it unfolded magically on its own to become a dedication, not only to my friends in Minnesota, but to those Minnesotan commuters whom I have never met. I pray that we all make it home safely.

Gogo Lidz: You Need To Know Me

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How I deal with mental breakdowns

As most of you already know, I refuse to take any medications for mental illness, even though every doctor I've seen has stated that I need to be on medications for the rest of my life. That is why I no longer see doctors. So what do I do in a crisis situation? How do I deal with the symptoms? This question was asked the other day, and I realized that I needed to write a blog post about it. My answer is highly unconventional, yet I feel it's long overdue.

Before I answer, let me describe the symptoms I experience. I hate the word "symptoms" by the way because they are simply human experiences, yet for this post I'll use the term because it is the psychiatric term used in diagnosing specific, unwonted human experiences.

Depression. When I get depressed, I can't get out of bed. I have no motivation to do anything. All I can do is cry and think about dying. Life has no meaning whatsoever. I find no joy in any activity, and even lying in bed is painful. There is no escape. Nothing helps. I can't tolerate any social situation, and I don't answer the phone or the door. It's a miracle I am still alive today because suicide is the most comforting thought I carry. It allows me a sense of power amidst all the powerlessness that depression brings.

Anxiety. When I am feeling anxious, life becomes overwhelming. I cannot handle noise or movement. It makes me want to scream and lash out and stop the chaos in any way possible. I feel jumpy and desperate and totally out of control. When I get this way, I can truly identify with the person who goes on a shooting spree. That is hard to admit, but it is so true. Again, that fantasy allows me a sense of power amidst the powerlessness that anxiety brings.

Dissociation. Dissociation, for me, is very similar to being in a state of shock. Everything around me becomes surreal. It's like I've been thrust into another reality where nothing is like it was before. Think of a time when you first heard the news of a loved one's unexpected death. That is similar to what dissociation is like for me, except there was no death. Also, my memory gets really bad, and time becomes warped and distorted.

Those are my three primary experiences and symptoms that have been diagnosed by psychiatrists since 1982. The actual diagnoses vary, depending on the psychiatrist, and some of them include Major Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and the list goes on. I've also been diagnosed with illnesses that have nothing to do with the symptoms I described. You see, once I got into the system, I developed other behaviors simply from the side effects from the medications I was given or from trying to survive in a psychiatric hospital or day program. These added behaviors were diagnosed with things like Chronic Undifferentiated Schizophrenia, Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizo Affective Disorder, and the list goes on.

These are the reasons I do not believe in the existence of mental illness. The system simply can't get it right, most likely due to the fact that there are no scientific tests for any mental illness. Psychiatrists -- and NAMI -- will tell you that brain scans show differences in the brain chemistry of people with these illnesses, but hey, they failed to stop the medications before scanning the brains. Those scans are of chemically-altered brains! Other explanations are possible, too, like childhood trauma, which is the most prevelant occurance in people who have been diagnosed with a mental illness. But this whole brain-chemistry topic is for another post. It gets pretty involved.

So what do I do when those symptoms occur that I described above?

I embrace them. I honor them for what they are and I feel them for all they are worth. If I am depressed, I feel the depression as if I were being paid to describe to someone what depression is like. I describe it as I am feeling it. I don't try to distract myself from it the way everyone advises me to do. I hear things like "Take a walk, call a friend, go out with friends, exercise, do anything except feel the depression, you are only dwelling on it and it will make things worse, and for godssake don't isolate!" I used to feel so guilty for not being able to follow their advice. Not anymore! I will dwell on my depression. I will isolate. I will remove myself from all of society and I will treat myself to whatever my heart desires. That usually means isolating and wallowing in depression and crying my heart out for no reason. There is movement in crying! There is healing. I cry as deeply as my body will allow, and the exhaustion that follows is the most healing experience of all. And "healing" does not mean that the depression is over. It may be around for a while, and that is okay. It is not something that needs to be healed. Depression is simply another human experience, and by god, I am going to experience it!

So what happens when you stop trying to cure depression? The only thing constant is change, and that includes depression. It is always temporary, and you can count on it.

Allowing depression to run its natural course ultimately allowed me to become a more compassionate and empathetic human being than I ever was before. These traits are priceless and eternal. No SSRI could ever accomplish that. Not even close.

Intolerance for noise and movement peaked when I lived in the downtown high rise. The chaos was constant, and my cockatiel Jake added to the chaos every day. I was nearly at the point of hurting that precious little bird, and that's when I realized I absolutely had to find a way to cope with my anxiety. So I began paying attention to the chaos, soaking it in, refusing to try and make it go away, no longer believing that I would find peace if it all stopped. I said "Bring it on!" and I meant it. I observed myself experiencing the chaos and knew that I was safe in the midst of it. It is an amazing, transformational process of surrender, which has far greater value than anything Xanax can offer.

This method also worked with Dissociation. The diagnosis used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder. If I have other personalities inside of me, why not get to know them and embrace them and learn from them? They are there for a reason, and they are me! I could write a whole post on this subject alone (and maybe I will), but trying to fight off any aspect of myself, whether it is depression, anxiety, or multiple personalities, is only denying myself yet another human experience. I refuse to do that anymore. I have a right to experience being human because I am human!

So, what really happens when I embrace all these symptoms rather than fix (mask) them through psychiatric "treatments"? Hmmmm.... well, I very rarely have any of these symptoms anymore, and when I do, they don't last nearly as long. To be honest, I can't remember details of their recurrences anymore because they don't stand out like they used to. They are no longer "bad" or "horrible" in my mind or my experience, so why make a note of them? It's like having a rainy day. Who cares? It just happens. Anyway, my goal was never to make the symptoms go away. It just happened.

Probably the greatest benefit of using this method is the lack of fear and guilt I now have toward any of these symptoms creeping into my life.

I truly believe I am on to something here.

I also use this method for other things that are uncomfortable, like quitting smoking. I didn't use any distractions like gum or exercise whenever I would have a craving, which was constant in the beginning. I felt the craving, even invited it. And of course the cravings subsided. I have no desire to smoke anymore, but if the desire creeps in, I take the time to feel it and embrace it. Feelings can't kill you, but smoking can.

One more thing...

What about the individual who experiences these symptoms yet is unable to embrace them without becoming a danger to herself or others?

This is the primary use, in my opinion, for medication -- on a temporary basis. Just to get through the crisis. The greatest atrocity of the mental health system is dooming a human being to taking powerful, mind-altering drugs for the rest of her life.

This is what keeps me up at night. This is what fuels my passion as an advocate.

Bipolar or Waking Up? 1of 5: The Start of the Journey

This is the story of Sean's journey through a five-part video series. It is the most remarkable story I have heard in a long, long time. I posted all five videos on the Faces of Recovery blog, and I highly recommend that you watch them. You won't be sorry!

A salad so healthy it will make you sick

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This is just for fun to try out my new tripod. I'm making my favorite dish, and Angel is helping me!

CNN is on my shit list

I can see where this country is headed. All these years of fighting for rights for people labeled mentally ill and CNN could shoot that all down in one weekend. The mentally ill should be locked up so everyone else will feel safer. This is the attitude I've been getting ever since the VA Tech shootings. I saw it coming, even back then. It's a new public outcry for outpatient commitment. We could have avoided VA Tech if outpatient commitment were strictly enforced, right? Wrong!

Cho would have been released from outpatient commitment. He would have had fresh anger upon his release, too. That's the gift the mental health system offers. It cannot prevent violence because it perpetuates it. I was never violent until I stepped through those doors. Let all lawmakers be forced into outpatient medications and case management for one month. Let's see if they will continue to advocate for stricter outpatient commitment laws.

How could outpatient commitment possibly be the answer to potentially violent behavior?

We are human beings, all of us. With human beings comes all the good and all the bad. It's called human nature, and it's been around since Day One of human existence. It has nothing to do with a label you are given. You are human no matter what, and you either have the capacity to kill or you don't. I seriously doubt that punishing people ahead of time is going to stop human nature from being what it is.

Right now the public sits in ignorance. That can't last forever, not in this day and age. Thanks to the drug companies, more and more people are experiencing the mental health system. More and more people are learning what "treatment" really means. People will soon become as intolerant as I have. I see this coming just as I did the public outcries for outpatient commitment. It's just a matter of time. Meanwhile I will do whatever it takes to protect myself and others from outpatient commitment, and wait patiently.

The Trouble With Spikol: The ECT story

CDC: Antidepressants most prescribed drugs in U.S

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Say 'no' to New York State forced electroshock

I can't believe what I'm reading about New York's policy on forced ECT. Could you imagine for one minute being dragged against your will to a room specifically designed for shock treatments? People in the mental health field will tell you that forced ECT doesn't happen in the US. WRONG! It is happening right now in New York to a woman named Simone who speaks very little English. From what I am reading, it looks as if language barriers allow for forced TORTURE! I am appalled and horrified at this entire situation. THIS is the reason ECT should be outlawed, and the sooner the better.

The argument against it is that some patients may choose to have it, especially if nothing else has helped their depression. My answer to this argument is that I've never heard this argument coming from someone who has actually had ECT.

But the biggest reason I have for outlawing ECT is the capacity for abuse. If our mental health system had no capacity for abuse, ECT may not be as horrible as it is today. The actual treatment would still be horrible, but at least there would be informed consent involved. But because it is given to people against their will, or coerced when they are inpatient (I've witnessed this many times), it should be outlawed.

Nobody ever deserves to have their brain forcibly damaged by doctors. How ridiculous does that sound? Having your brain damaged by doctors? That is what is happening.

So if you want to read the details of what this woman is going through, and especially if you want to take action, go here.

Faces of Recovery: Sherry Jenkins-Tucker, CPS

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Sherry is the Executive Director of the Georgia Mental Health Consumer Network. She has something to say about recovery...