A neckband that intercepts nerve signals allows you to talk on the phone without emitting a sound
Footage courtesy Texas Instruments, recorded at the TI Developer Conference 2008, Dallas
More info - http://www.theaudeo.com
Friday, March 14, 2008
Voiceless phone call
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Reclaim Your Power NOW!
Whenever you are feeling victimized, helpless, and hopeless, it can be the first clue that you have given your power away to someone or something. I'm not talking about being a victim of a crime, although you can certainly apply this tool to any situation, especially when the victimization continues long after the actual assault.
I used to be in the victim role. It was how I got the attention I craved and the help I needed. I would attract people with an empathetic personality and a compassionate heart. I needed empathy and compassion like I needed food, and I would feed on people who were like this toward me. It was how I emotionally survived in life. It was the only survival tool I had.
The Universe gives you the desires of your heart, and the intensity of the desire, the depth of it, is the loudest voice you have. It is your Universal power.
My deepest desires were to receive empathy and compassion from others. I could taste them and feel them and savor them before I ever received them. They were first and foremost on my mind nearly every waking moment. They were the hope and the reason to keep living, just to know that the reward would be so incredibly sweet, even if short-lived. A moment of compassion would sustain me for a week. A morsel of empathy would encourage me to keep striving for the next scrap.
It's a dramatic way of life, rarely boring, full of tears and loneliness and intensity, and it gave me a sense of identity that I would not have had otherwise.
Eventually, the pain of this role began to outweigh the pleasure, and I needed to find a different way. I needed to learn how to give myself the things I needed. My dilemma was that I was not good enough to be in that role for myself. I was inferior to the type of person who had the capacity to show compassion. It seemed ludicrous to even consider it.
Then, through my spiritual awakening, I began to feel all the things I was terrified of feeling. I began to feel the desperate loneliness, the incredible rage, the unbearable sadness. And through these same feelings, I began to feel Compassion revealing itself to me from within the depths of my soul.
The intensity of all these feelings was the truest indicator of my Power within.
When I feel victimized today, helpless and hopeless, desperate and lacking, I know that I have given away my power to a situation or person at some point. I may not be consciously aware of who or what or how, but it is not necessary to know. It will come in time. What is necessary, however, is that I reclaim my power as soon as I realize that I have given it away. This can be as simple as saying out loud, "I reclaim my power NOW!"
It's the proverbial "shaking the fist" at God scene. Loud, dramatic, intense. Or quiet and meditative. The method doesn't matter, only the intent.
When I do this, the magic begins. Incredible insights flow in from seemingly nowhere and solutions appear where there weren't any before. It's usually at that point when it becomes clear to me where and how I gave my power away. It is a true "duh" moment, too, and I have to laugh at myself for being so blind.
Most people reclaim their power and have no idea that's what they just did. The Universe responds to your deepest intent, even if you aren't fully aware of it. That is the Law of Attraction. But when you are fully aware, the whole process becomes a conscious creation, a miracle. There's nothing like it.
Espavo...
That means "thank you for taking back your power."
I used to be in the victim role. It was how I got the attention I craved and the help I needed. I would attract people with an empathetic personality and a compassionate heart. I needed empathy and compassion like I needed food, and I would feed on people who were like this toward me. It was how I emotionally survived in life. It was the only survival tool I had.
The Universe gives you the desires of your heart, and the intensity of the desire, the depth of it, is the loudest voice you have. It is your Universal power.
My deepest desires were to receive empathy and compassion from others. I could taste them and feel them and savor them before I ever received them. They were first and foremost on my mind nearly every waking moment. They were the hope and the reason to keep living, just to know that the reward would be so incredibly sweet, even if short-lived. A moment of compassion would sustain me for a week. A morsel of empathy would encourage me to keep striving for the next scrap.
It's a dramatic way of life, rarely boring, full of tears and loneliness and intensity, and it gave me a sense of identity that I would not have had otherwise.
Eventually, the pain of this role began to outweigh the pleasure, and I needed to find a different way. I needed to learn how to give myself the things I needed. My dilemma was that I was not good enough to be in that role for myself. I was inferior to the type of person who had the capacity to show compassion. It seemed ludicrous to even consider it.
Then, through my spiritual awakening, I began to feel all the things I was terrified of feeling. I began to feel the desperate loneliness, the incredible rage, the unbearable sadness. And through these same feelings, I began to feel Compassion revealing itself to me from within the depths of my soul.
The intensity of all these feelings was the truest indicator of my Power within.
When I feel victimized today, helpless and hopeless, desperate and lacking, I know that I have given away my power to a situation or person at some point. I may not be consciously aware of who or what or how, but it is not necessary to know. It will come in time. What is necessary, however, is that I reclaim my power as soon as I realize that I have given it away. This can be as simple as saying out loud, "I reclaim my power NOW!"
It's the proverbial "shaking the fist" at God scene. Loud, dramatic, intense. Or quiet and meditative. The method doesn't matter, only the intent.
When I do this, the magic begins. Incredible insights flow in from seemingly nowhere and solutions appear where there weren't any before. It's usually at that point when it becomes clear to me where and how I gave my power away. It is a true "duh" moment, too, and I have to laugh at myself for being so blind.
Most people reclaim their power and have no idea that's what they just did. The Universe responds to your deepest intent, even if you aren't fully aware of it. That is the Law of Attraction. But when you are fully aware, the whole process becomes a conscious creation, a miracle. There's nothing like it.
Espavo...
That means "thank you for taking back your power."
Monday, March 03, 2008
Truth vs. Resonance
I have a request for a topic: Spirituality.
I realize it is a rather broad topic, so I'll narrow it down to something manageable. I'll also write more on spirituality in upcoming posts if there is an interest.
.......................................................................................
I believe that Truth does not exist, only Resonance.
I know a woman who was raised in a very strict Pentecostal religion where fundamentalist Christianity is taught. She passed her beliefs onto her children, who grew up and kept those beliefs for themselves. This woman surrounds herself with people who believe exactly the same way she does. Everywhere she turns, people are talking about Jesus Christ and salvation and sin and redemption. Hell is real, as is heaven. She is one of the happiest people I know. This is what living in your Resonance feels like.
I surround myself with people who believe that the mental health system is a broken system that needs to be fixed. We see the flaws in the system and are quick to point them out for the rest of the world to see. If they don't see them, they are blind. They will see the light one day when psychiatry bites them in the ass. I surround myself with people who believe that there is much more to mental illness than diagnosis, medication, day programs, and hospitalization . People with mental illness are actually hopping dimensions. I resonate with this, but does that make it true?
People assume that Resonance and Truth are the same thing.
I believe the Afterlife is filled with Resonance. The woman I described will see angels playing harps on clouds. She will surround herself with other souls who see those same angels and clouds. They will all walk the glorious streets of gold.
I will be hopping dimensions. Freely.
I realize it is a rather broad topic, so I'll narrow it down to something manageable. I'll also write more on spirituality in upcoming posts if there is an interest.
.......................................................................................
I believe that Truth does not exist, only Resonance.
I know a woman who was raised in a very strict Pentecostal religion where fundamentalist Christianity is taught. She passed her beliefs onto her children, who grew up and kept those beliefs for themselves. This woman surrounds herself with people who believe exactly the same way she does. Everywhere she turns, people are talking about Jesus Christ and salvation and sin and redemption. Hell is real, as is heaven. She is one of the happiest people I know. This is what living in your Resonance feels like.
I surround myself with people who believe that the mental health system is a broken system that needs to be fixed. We see the flaws in the system and are quick to point them out for the rest of the world to see. If they don't see them, they are blind. They will see the light one day when psychiatry bites them in the ass. I surround myself with people who believe that there is much more to mental illness than diagnosis, medication, day programs, and hospitalization . People with mental illness are actually hopping dimensions. I resonate with this, but does that make it true?
People assume that Resonance and Truth are the same thing.
I believe the Afterlife is filled with Resonance. The woman I described will see angels playing harps on clouds. She will surround herself with other souls who see those same angels and clouds. They will all walk the glorious streets of gold.
I will be hopping dimensions. Freely.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
David Archuleta - Imagine
I just couldn't let a season of American Idol go by without sharing my top pick. This kid is amazing. He will win the whole thing and become a mega star like Kelly Clarkson and Chris Daughtry. I remember watching David Archuleta around 2004 (?) during the Star Search finale. Of course he won 100 grand. Then his vocal chord went paralyzed, and now he's back. Watch out for this guy. He sings from the depths of his soul, unlike the other contestants this season. Unfortnunately. Maybe in time a few of them will grow on me, but for now, David is the only reason to watch.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Food Combining
I got a request from a friend to blog about what I did to lose weight. I feel inadequate writing a post about losing weight, though, because my diet has not been the best lately. People who come to the Wellness Center bring in junk food all the time. Like on Valentine's day everyone brought in cupcakes, candy, you know, and who can resist that?
But maybe if I write this post, I'll get back on track.
I lost a lot of weight last year. I don't know how many pounds but I went from a size 12 to a size 6 jeans (which are awfully tight right about now, lol).
I didn't mean to lose weight last year. I just needed to change my diet due to being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. The weight loss was a side effect. I'm not complaining.
Anyway, I used Food Combining. This can get pretty complicated, so I won't go into it that deeply. I just used very basic food combinations. It is very simple, but not easy. It goes against the American diet of meat and potatoes.
So.....
Never eat meat and potatoes together in the same meal. In fact never eat any kind of carbohydrate and protein in the same meal. Eat fruits by themselves, always. Make sure they are not cooked fruits or processed fruits. Just fresh fruits and juice before noon. Nothing else before noon, and notbing at all after 8:00pm. The rest of the day you can have carbs and veggies in a meal or protein and veggies in a meal. Just not carbs and protein in the same meal. Avoid dairy as much as possible. Or if you use dairy, consider it protein. It's best to avoid it though.
For example, for brerakfast, have a fruit salad or a banana. Whatever fruit or fruit juice you like. For lunch eat a salad with a beef patty or peice of chicken or fish or even beans. Or if you want carbs and veggies for lunch, I personally LOVE veggie wraps. Soups and salads of course are a good combination, just make sure there's no meat in the soup if you include crackers or noodles. Dinner is with the same rules. Either carbs and veggies or protein and veggies but not both.
If you must have dessert, have it with your carb meal, not your protein meal.
One more rule -- it's okay to combine carbs, like rice and bread, in the same meal, but it's not okay to combine proteins, like beans and franks or cheese and sausage.
This diet goes against the typical American diet, but as we all know, the typical American diet has all of us fat with chronic digestive problems. So going against it is a good thing.
That's the diet in a nutshell. I used the concepts in the book titled "Fit for Life." Sorry, I can't remember the author's name, but you can get it at Amazon.com for (usually) a penny plus shipping. There are tons of recipes in it. I highly recommend the book for the recipes and meal planning alone!
My sister Jody uses this diet when she has an appointment with the beach in Jamaica and needs to drop a few pounds before she packs her bikini.
Then she goes back to her old diet when she comes home.
I like getting requests for blog posts, so if you have a request, send me an email at jayme333@gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you!
But maybe if I write this post, I'll get back on track.
I lost a lot of weight last year. I don't know how many pounds but I went from a size 12 to a size 6 jeans (which are awfully tight right about now, lol).
I didn't mean to lose weight last year. I just needed to change my diet due to being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. The weight loss was a side effect. I'm not complaining.
Anyway, I used Food Combining. This can get pretty complicated, so I won't go into it that deeply. I just used very basic food combinations. It is very simple, but not easy. It goes against the American diet of meat and potatoes.
So.....
Never eat meat and potatoes together in the same meal. In fact never eat any kind of carbohydrate and protein in the same meal. Eat fruits by themselves, always. Make sure they are not cooked fruits or processed fruits. Just fresh fruits and juice before noon. Nothing else before noon, and notbing at all after 8:00pm. The rest of the day you can have carbs and veggies in a meal or protein and veggies in a meal. Just not carbs and protein in the same meal. Avoid dairy as much as possible. Or if you use dairy, consider it protein. It's best to avoid it though.
For example, for brerakfast, have a fruit salad or a banana. Whatever fruit or fruit juice you like. For lunch eat a salad with a beef patty or peice of chicken or fish or even beans. Or if you want carbs and veggies for lunch, I personally LOVE veggie wraps. Soups and salads of course are a good combination, just make sure there's no meat in the soup if you include crackers or noodles. Dinner is with the same rules. Either carbs and veggies or protein and veggies but not both.
If you must have dessert, have it with your carb meal, not your protein meal.
One more rule -- it's okay to combine carbs, like rice and bread, in the same meal, but it's not okay to combine proteins, like beans and franks or cheese and sausage.
This diet goes against the typical American diet, but as we all know, the typical American diet has all of us fat with chronic digestive problems. So going against it is a good thing.
That's the diet in a nutshell. I used the concepts in the book titled "Fit for Life." Sorry, I can't remember the author's name, but you can get it at Amazon.com for (usually) a penny plus shipping. There are tons of recipes in it. I highly recommend the book for the recipes and meal planning alone!
My sister Jody uses this diet when she has an appointment with the beach in Jamaica and needs to drop a few pounds before she packs her bikini.
Then she goes back to her old diet when she comes home.
I like getting requests for blog posts, so if you have a request, send me an email at jayme333@gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Just to say hi
Just a note to say hello. Jodie and I had a chance to talk on the phone the other day, and we decided that quality vs quantity is the name of the phone call game. Instead of talking for hours about everything under the sun, we'll be talking for a shorter amount of time about the important things. And really, that's what's been happening with all my firiends, so it's all good. I'm not losing any friendships, just enjoying them in a different way.
I can honestly say that we are now in a routine at the Peer Support and Wellness Center. We've had two overnight guests so far, and our daytime activities are becoming more and more full of newcomers and even some regulars. I never thought this time would arrive, but we are HERE! I have a schedule. I have days off. I can leave the house. I got a scooter this weekend, and my friend Huntley is assembling it for me. He'll come back next Sunday to finish the job and take it for a test ride. It should be fun. I'll shoot videos.
I hope everyone is doing well. Life is good. It really is.
I can honestly say that we are now in a routine at the Peer Support and Wellness Center. We've had two overnight guests so far, and our daytime activities are becoming more and more full of newcomers and even some regulars. I never thought this time would arrive, but we are HERE! I have a schedule. I have days off. I can leave the house. I got a scooter this weekend, and my friend Huntley is assembling it for me. He'll come back next Sunday to finish the job and take it for a test ride. It should be fun. I'll shoot videos.
I hope everyone is doing well. Life is good. It really is.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Grand Opening
Here is a short clip of the Peer Support and Wellness Center's Grand Opening. I didn't spend too much time behind the camera, so there's not much footage to work with. The celebration was a huge success, and it far surpassed what any of us imagined. I don't know how many were there during those three hours, but about 80 people signed in.
The Center opened the very next day, so we have been opened three days so far. It was slow at first, but today we had a house full. We'll be having our first overnight guest next weekend. I can't believe how quickly this is taking off. It's as if we've always been here. It feels incredibly familiar. I have never felt such a sense of belonging in my life. My search is over. I really do have a place in this world. I've never been able to say that before.
I don't have the kind of time I used to have, though, and there's a sense of loss there, especially when it comes to my friends. Jodie from MN and I used to have "marathon" phone calls on the weekends, but those are getting few and far between if they exist at all. She knows I love her, though. I hope all my friends know I love them as much as ever. I just can't be there for them like I used to. Oh man, I used to drop everything at a moment's notice if a friend needed to talk. Maybe things will settle into a routine soon. I hope my friends don't forget me.
Don't get me wrong, I really really love my new life. It's just far more time consuming than I ever imagined it would be. That part of this job is probably the only downside. I used to have all the time in the world, plus some. I knew what I was walking into, though, and I'm glad I did. I have no regrets, and I would not trade my life for anything.
I look back on the last two months and I think, wow. I can't believe this just happened. It just happened. How the did this happen?
*twilight zone music*
Sunday, January 27, 2008
House Party with Strawberry Jam
In the spirit of Intentional Peer Support training, it's a tradition for everyone to have dinner together one evening of the week. This was our dinner. It was also our first house party at the Peer Support and Wellness Center!
Things are flying over here. Our Grand Opening is this Wednesday, and we are ready! I am hoping to be able to shoot videos during that time, and if I get the chance, I will definitely be posting them here!
I saw Karla yesterday. She is adjusting to motherhood and doing a wonderful job. She loves her little baby so much, you can just tell. It's a beautiful thing. I forgot my video camera, though, and I kicked myself for the whole time! If you are a long time reader of this blog, you may remember a video with Karla's little brother, Alex, where he is yelling violent things that you later find out is his video game. Yesterday he was doing the exact same thing, except he's 3 years older and is playing a Wii! It would have been a wonderful follow-up video. Oh well, use your imagination just like I did.
His father, by the way, was a very good friend of mine. He is the one who got me involved in mental health advocacy back in 1995. He died a few years ago. Alex looks exactly like him.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Karla's Surprise
Karla stopped by for a visit. I hadn't seen her in a while. Whew! Very interesting surprise. You won't want to miss this video. Meanwhile, an update on the Low Dose Naltrexone. This stuff really works! No more pain at all!!! I feel almost like I did before MS. It's just amazing. I know I will be on this drug for the rest of my life, but it is sooooo worth it. I can't believe how well it works, and I HIGHLY recommend it to all my MS readers. At this point, I can't imagine not taking it. Hopefully this is the last time you'll hear about my MS. I will post if anything changes.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Well well well... here I am..
Happy New Year everyone! I am sitting here in my new beautiful home. Good god, this is gorgeous. I am totally unpacked with the exception of a few boxes in the storage room, ones I won't need for a while, if ever. The house is totally functional now with food and dishes and clean clothes. Everything I need.
I made it.
Weeks before the move, I would feel a strong sense of dread. It's unsettling to have all your belongings in boxes and be uprooted like that. I am giving myself the standard "three weeks" to fully adjust. I doubt it will take that long, though. I'm truly settling in without too much hassle, if you don't count the incompetent folks at the new AT&T. But we won't go there. Grrrrrrr.....
Moving day was a breeze. I used Mark the Mover, and they came at 8:30 am. We were done by noon. It was a treat to use actual movers! After they left, my sister took me to the Famers Market to get some food for the week. I spent the next few days unpacking.
The birds aren't faring as well, I hate to say. New turf, fresh fights. Their violence is truly getting on my nerves. I've decided to find Rozee a new home before he gets too settled here. It's time. They are never going to get along. It will be sooo sad to let Rozee go, but I know it's the right thing.
*tears*
I put an ad on Craig's List and I have been getting calls all day. I am choosing a woman named Melinda who just melted at the sound of Rozee's cooing over the phone. She'll be coming to get him in the morning.
I'm not going to think about it right now.
Christmas was incredible. I had a channeling session with Jean Tinder. The energy poured through the phone -- yes, through the phone -- and was so powerful and intense, I ended the call much sooner than I had to. Spirit is a powerful force. I was blown away. I hardly remember what she said. I will be getting a recording, which I am really looking forward to. I know we discussed the Peer Wellness Center a lot. I remember asking if it was going to be successful, and she said "It already is. You will simply be walking through its manifestation."
Yesterday we got all our basic furniture for the house (except the office and laundry room). We have furniture for the dining room, living room, and three bedrooms. The bedrooms have their own names and personalities, even with just a bed, dresser, and nightstand. One is The Forest Room, one is the Wellness Room, and the other is The White Room.
Sunday I set up the basement with my spiritual belongings. all the ingredients of a Wellness center. One room is for meditation. It has some yoga mats, books, crystals, and meditation CDs. Another room is for art and music. It has my art table with art supplies and some drums and books about art and music. The third room is the Reading room. It has a rocker with shelves full of some of the most impactful books I have ever read. Neil Donald Walsh, Stephen Covey, Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, plus an array of self improvement and healing books. It's a cozy setting. All the shelves throughout the basement have angels and doves on them. I have a feeling the basement will be a popular place.
OH I almost forgot. The Low Dose Naltrexone is working! No kidding! I am feeling closer to pre-MS than I have all year! I cannot believe the difference. If this is a placebo effect, bring on the placebo! This is incredible!
After I finished setting up the basement, it hit me. I am here. I did this. It really happened.
The feeling was overwhelming. In a good way.
Welcome to 2008, the year of new beginnings.
I made it.
Weeks before the move, I would feel a strong sense of dread. It's unsettling to have all your belongings in boxes and be uprooted like that. I am giving myself the standard "three weeks" to fully adjust. I doubt it will take that long, though. I'm truly settling in without too much hassle, if you don't count the incompetent folks at the new AT&T. But we won't go there. Grrrrrrr.....
Moving day was a breeze. I used Mark the Mover, and they came at 8:30 am. We were done by noon. It was a treat to use actual movers! After they left, my sister took me to the Famers Market to get some food for the week. I spent the next few days unpacking.
The birds aren't faring as well, I hate to say. New turf, fresh fights. Their violence is truly getting on my nerves. I've decided to find Rozee a new home before he gets too settled here. It's time. They are never going to get along. It will be sooo sad to let Rozee go, but I know it's the right thing.
*tears*
I put an ad on Craig's List and I have been getting calls all day. I am choosing a woman named Melinda who just melted at the sound of Rozee's cooing over the phone. She'll be coming to get him in the morning.
I'm not going to think about it right now.
Christmas was incredible. I had a channeling session with Jean Tinder. The energy poured through the phone -- yes, through the phone -- and was so powerful and intense, I ended the call much sooner than I had to. Spirit is a powerful force. I was blown away. I hardly remember what she said. I will be getting a recording, which I am really looking forward to. I know we discussed the Peer Wellness Center a lot. I remember asking if it was going to be successful, and she said "It already is. You will simply be walking through its manifestation."
Yesterday we got all our basic furniture for the house (except the office and laundry room). We have furniture for the dining room, living room, and three bedrooms. The bedrooms have their own names and personalities, even with just a bed, dresser, and nightstand. One is The Forest Room, one is the Wellness Room, and the other is The White Room.
Sunday I set up the basement with my spiritual belongings. all the ingredients of a Wellness center. One room is for meditation. It has some yoga mats, books, crystals, and meditation CDs. Another room is for art and music. It has my art table with art supplies and some drums and books about art and music. The third room is the Reading room. It has a rocker with shelves full of some of the most impactful books I have ever read. Neil Donald Walsh, Stephen Covey, Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, plus an array of self improvement and healing books. It's a cozy setting. All the shelves throughout the basement have angels and doves on them. I have a feeling the basement will be a popular place.
OH I almost forgot. The Low Dose Naltrexone is working! No kidding! I am feeling closer to pre-MS than I have all year! I cannot believe the difference. If this is a placebo effect, bring on the placebo! This is incredible!
After I finished setting up the basement, it hit me. I am here. I did this. It really happened.
The feeling was overwhelming. In a good way.
Welcome to 2008, the year of new beginnings.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
The Christmas of my choosing
This is the first holiday season that I decided to step outside of it all, to celebrate in my own, spontaneous way without the obligations of tradition. My family has honored my wishes, and I made no plans for Christmas. I bought no presents, I sent no Christmas cards, I put up no decorations. The other day, a friend invited me and another friend to her place on Christmas Eve, and I accepted. First we are going to Phoenix and Dragon, a large metaphysical store that I have always wanted to see. Then we are going to her place to do angel readings with angel cards. I have no idea what that means, but my friends know, and it sounds good to me. Then we will eat a wonderful lasagna dinner.
On Christmas Day, I'll be having a channeling session over the phone with Jean Tinder. I had a channeling session with her a few years ago, and I believe I was her very first client. I still have the recording of that session. She has done many sessions since then, and I have been hearing wonderful things about her from our spiritual community. The reason for this channeling is to enlist the support of my angels during this move. I choose their presence in every moment, and I know they are surrounding me right now. Sometimes their presence is so intense that tears stream down my face for no reason at all. The angels are thrilled that I know they are there, and I am using these sessions to communicate with them with words. I need other humans to be their mouthpiece. Of course this is not necessary in order for them to continue to support me, but words are icing on the cake, so to speak!
And that is how I choose to spend this Christmas season!
Not only is this year coming to a close, but life as I know it is coming to a close. This is my last weekend living alone. I have always loved and even insisted on living alone. I've always said that I am too set in my ways to get married. I eat when I want. I come and go as I please. I never make my bed. I answer to no one. Freedom has been very important to me.
I think I have been making up for the lack of freedom I endured during the times I've been locked up in psychiatric hospitals.
But those days are over. I will never be locked up like that again, and I know it. I am going for something new, and it will begin the day after Christmas. That's when the movers are coming to pack up all my stuff, then the next day they will be moving me into the new Peer Support and Wellness Center. And life as I know it will be over.
The year 2007 was the year of 9, which means completion. The Quantum Leap happened on 09/18/2007, which is 9/9/9 in numerology. It was a powerful day. Jodie flew in from MN to spend it with me, and I learned about this new job opportunity right after she left. Everywhere I look, I see people changing their lives in dramatic ways. I have known about that date since 2003 (?) but never really bought into the reality of it until after it came and went. The rest of the world is waiting for December 12, 2012, which is the "official" date of the Quantum Leap -- or the end of the world or whatever you believe about these times. So, yes, that is a legitimate date as well, and I will be observing it simply because there is much power in mass consciousness, and that alone gives power to that date.
Now that the year of completion is over, what is 2008? It is the year of ONE, beginning on January 1, 2008. The other 1/1/1 days are January 10, 19, and 28, then October 1, 10, 19, and 28. This is the year of new beginnings. It is a year of forward movement, of stepping into new realities, new lives, new dimensions. I can totally see it already. And the newness for me begins this Thursday. I will say goodbye to the nicest apartment I've ever lived in and hello to the nicest house I've ever lived in.
I am so grateful to be alive. As ama would say, "It's the bomb."
The next time you hear from me I have already stepped into my new life. See you on the flip side!
I want to leave you with an earlier post from a year ago: Expect a Miracle in 2007
On Christmas Day, I'll be having a channeling session over the phone with Jean Tinder. I had a channeling session with her a few years ago, and I believe I was her very first client. I still have the recording of that session. She has done many sessions since then, and I have been hearing wonderful things about her from our spiritual community. The reason for this channeling is to enlist the support of my angels during this move. I choose their presence in every moment, and I know they are surrounding me right now. Sometimes their presence is so intense that tears stream down my face for no reason at all. The angels are thrilled that I know they are there, and I am using these sessions to communicate with them with words. I need other humans to be their mouthpiece. Of course this is not necessary in order for them to continue to support me, but words are icing on the cake, so to speak!
And that is how I choose to spend this Christmas season!
Not only is this year coming to a close, but life as I know it is coming to a close. This is my last weekend living alone. I have always loved and even insisted on living alone. I've always said that I am too set in my ways to get married. I eat when I want. I come and go as I please. I never make my bed. I answer to no one. Freedom has been very important to me.
I think I have been making up for the lack of freedom I endured during the times I've been locked up in psychiatric hospitals.
But those days are over. I will never be locked up like that again, and I know it. I am going for something new, and it will begin the day after Christmas. That's when the movers are coming to pack up all my stuff, then the next day they will be moving me into the new Peer Support and Wellness Center. And life as I know it will be over.
The year 2007 was the year of 9, which means completion. The Quantum Leap happened on 09/18/2007, which is 9/9/9 in numerology. It was a powerful day. Jodie flew in from MN to spend it with me, and I learned about this new job opportunity right after she left. Everywhere I look, I see people changing their lives in dramatic ways. I have known about that date since 2003 (?) but never really bought into the reality of it until after it came and went. The rest of the world is waiting for December 12, 2012, which is the "official" date of the Quantum Leap -- or the end of the world or whatever you believe about these times. So, yes, that is a legitimate date as well, and I will be observing it simply because there is much power in mass consciousness, and that alone gives power to that date.
Now that the year of completion is over, what is 2008? It is the year of ONE, beginning on January 1, 2008. The other 1/1/1 days are January 10, 19, and 28, then October 1, 10, 19, and 28. This is the year of new beginnings. It is a year of forward movement, of stepping into new realities, new lives, new dimensions. I can totally see it already. And the newness for me begins this Thursday. I will say goodbye to the nicest apartment I've ever lived in and hello to the nicest house I've ever lived in.
I am so grateful to be alive. As ama would say, "It's the bomb."
The next time you hear from me I have already stepped into my new life. See you on the flip side!
I want to leave you with an earlier post from a year ago: Expect a Miracle in 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Trying Something New
I don't write much about MS because I choose to stay in denial about it. But the truth is, this last year has shown me that I really do have MS in spite of everything I do to slow its progression. The things I do are daily exercise (ideally), avoiding all processed foods (ideally), and taking supplements (ideally). Okay so I don't stick to everything 100% of the time, and I do cheat with lazy days and junk food, but for the most part I do pretty well.
I talk to people with MS who walk with canes and have a hard time speaking and seeing, and I see that I am incredibly lucky. I know that each person with MS is different when it comes to the progression of the disease, and I am very grateful that mine hasn't gotten as bad as it could get. Multiple Sclerosis is what it is, and it will progress no matter what method of treatment you use. I have a milder form of MS, so I believe I have more room to try different ways of treating it. Many say I am gambling with my health by refusing the medical treatments available today, but for me, it feels like more of a gamble to use treatments which only serve to weaken the immune system. MS is an autoimmune disorder, and it just makes logical sense to me to have a healthy immune system. So that's the approach I am taking. If it's a gamble, at least I feel well while gambling. I rarely get sick, in other words, and when I do I can usually fight it off without medical treatment. Not always, but usually.
With that being said, this year I have noticed more ongoing MS symptoms than I had before. My legs are often full of pain and stiffness, they go to sleep easily, and I am unable to walk as freely as I used to. Running is out of the question, although I can still trot! I am not at a point of using a cane, but I can easily see that coming. I can't walk down steps without hanging on for dear life. The house I am moving into (the Peer Wellness Center) is loaded with stairs, 4 flights total, so this has been a concern of mine.
When I first learned I had MS, I joined all kinds of online groups of people who have MS and I learned a lot from them. One group was called "Low Dose Naltrexone" (LDN), and they all decided to use LDN as their treatment approach. The anecdotal evidence was so compelling that I decided that if my MS ever got to the point that I really needed something else besides my current "Best Bet Diet" approach, that LDN was what I would try.
Naltrexone is an old drug prescribed 30 years ago to heroin addicts to block the brain's opiate receptors so that users couldn't get high. Needless to say, the heroin users didn't like it, so the drug became obsolete.
My therapist (who I don't see anymore) told me that Naltrexone could be used in people who self-injure so that they would HAVE to feel the pain in all its intensity, thus stopping them from self-injuring.
I thought, okay, another controlling torture drug. Chilling.
Anyway, not to get too off base here, Naltrexone was taken back then at 50 mg. It works much differently at lower dosages, one doctor discovered. He used it on his patients with AIDS. To learn more details than I can possibly write here, visit the Low Dose Naltrexone Homepage.
In a nutshell, your body produces natural endorphins at night while you are sleeping, and Naltrexone, taken at lower dosages (3 to 4.5 mgs), stops this process just enough for the body to decide it needs to release more natural endorphins to make up for the lack of them caused by the Naltrexone. More endorphins means stronger immune responses, which is something I didn't know before. This is why it works for many autoimmune disorders, and the BEST anecdotal evidence comes from people with MS.
This doctor has done some scientific studies as well, as the findings are always favorable. More studies need to be done, but because the drug companies would not profit in any way by bringing back this old, inexpensive drug, they aren't about to fund any studies. Instead they will continue to invest in keeping the current treatments for MS and other autoimmune disorders alive and prosperous (for them).
The doctors I have talked to about prescribing LDN are not aware of it enough to feel comfortable prescribing it. In other words, they don't have drug reps banging on their doors with abundant supplies of samples :grin:
So I am on my own for now in getting it. Without a prescription, however, along with a compounding pharmacy, I have to buy the pills from a Canadian pharmacy that doesn't require a prescription, and I can only get them in 50mg tablets.
And so I did. After playing mail tag with the post office for 2 weeks, I finally got the package yesterday.
I filled up a 50ml container with distilled water, dissolved the 50mg Naltrexone tablet in the water, then used a medicine dropper to take 3ml of the water. This dosage is equal to 3mg of Naltrexone. I can go up to 4.5 mg, but I am starting at 3 mg for now. If it works I will stay at that dosage. If it doesn't I will go up to 4.5mg. The LDN effect doesn't work if you take 5mg or above.
Last night was my first dosage. I am writing about it here so that anyone with MS can know once and for all if this is a viable option or not. We will learn together :o). It is supposed to be effective within 5 days of the first dose, but I swear I felt a difference this morning. I was able to climb down the stairs to the fitness room without hanging on to the rail! It may be a placebo effect, but the objective is to see improvement, which I did even if it was all in my head.
I will keep you posted.
I talk to people with MS who walk with canes and have a hard time speaking and seeing, and I see that I am incredibly lucky. I know that each person with MS is different when it comes to the progression of the disease, and I am very grateful that mine hasn't gotten as bad as it could get. Multiple Sclerosis is what it is, and it will progress no matter what method of treatment you use. I have a milder form of MS, so I believe I have more room to try different ways of treating it. Many say I am gambling with my health by refusing the medical treatments available today, but for me, it feels like more of a gamble to use treatments which only serve to weaken the immune system. MS is an autoimmune disorder, and it just makes logical sense to me to have a healthy immune system. So that's the approach I am taking. If it's a gamble, at least I feel well while gambling. I rarely get sick, in other words, and when I do I can usually fight it off without medical treatment. Not always, but usually.
With that being said, this year I have noticed more ongoing MS symptoms than I had before. My legs are often full of pain and stiffness, they go to sleep easily, and I am unable to walk as freely as I used to. Running is out of the question, although I can still trot! I am not at a point of using a cane, but I can easily see that coming. I can't walk down steps without hanging on for dear life. The house I am moving into (the Peer Wellness Center) is loaded with stairs, 4 flights total, so this has been a concern of mine.
When I first learned I had MS, I joined all kinds of online groups of people who have MS and I learned a lot from them. One group was called "Low Dose Naltrexone" (LDN), and they all decided to use LDN as their treatment approach. The anecdotal evidence was so compelling that I decided that if my MS ever got to the point that I really needed something else besides my current "Best Bet Diet" approach, that LDN was what I would try.
Naltrexone is an old drug prescribed 30 years ago to heroin addicts to block the brain's opiate receptors so that users couldn't get high. Needless to say, the heroin users didn't like it, so the drug became obsolete.
My therapist (who I don't see anymore) told me that Naltrexone could be used in people who self-injure so that they would HAVE to feel the pain in all its intensity, thus stopping them from self-injuring.
I thought, okay, another controlling torture drug. Chilling.
Anyway, not to get too off base here, Naltrexone was taken back then at 50 mg. It works much differently at lower dosages, one doctor discovered. He used it on his patients with AIDS. To learn more details than I can possibly write here, visit the Low Dose Naltrexone Homepage.
In a nutshell, your body produces natural endorphins at night while you are sleeping, and Naltrexone, taken at lower dosages (3 to 4.5 mgs), stops this process just enough for the body to decide it needs to release more natural endorphins to make up for the lack of them caused by the Naltrexone. More endorphins means stronger immune responses, which is something I didn't know before. This is why it works for many autoimmune disorders, and the BEST anecdotal evidence comes from people with MS.
This doctor has done some scientific studies as well, as the findings are always favorable. More studies need to be done, but because the drug companies would not profit in any way by bringing back this old, inexpensive drug, they aren't about to fund any studies. Instead they will continue to invest in keeping the current treatments for MS and other autoimmune disorders alive and prosperous (for them).
The doctors I have talked to about prescribing LDN are not aware of it enough to feel comfortable prescribing it. In other words, they don't have drug reps banging on their doors with abundant supplies of samples :grin:
So I am on my own for now in getting it. Without a prescription, however, along with a compounding pharmacy, I have to buy the pills from a Canadian pharmacy that doesn't require a prescription, and I can only get them in 50mg tablets.
And so I did. After playing mail tag with the post office for 2 weeks, I finally got the package yesterday.
I filled up a 50ml container with distilled water, dissolved the 50mg Naltrexone tablet in the water, then used a medicine dropper to take 3ml of the water. This dosage is equal to 3mg of Naltrexone. I can go up to 4.5 mg, but I am starting at 3 mg for now. If it works I will stay at that dosage. If it doesn't I will go up to 4.5mg. The LDN effect doesn't work if you take 5mg or above.
Last night was my first dosage. I am writing about it here so that anyone with MS can know once and for all if this is a viable option or not. We will learn together :o). It is supposed to be effective within 5 days of the first dose, but I swear I felt a difference this morning. I was able to climb down the stairs to the fitness room without hanging on to the rail! It may be a placebo effect, but the objective is to see improvement, which I did even if it was all in my head.
I will keep you posted.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Week in New England
The trip was great! We left Monday night, just as New England was getting its first snowfall of the year. Of course I assumed our flight would be delayed or canceled, and I was ready. It was delayed about 20 minutes so they could add more fuel in case we had to land at JFK. But we landed in Maine as planned. The view outside as we were landing was incredible. Beyond words. We don't get snow in Georgia very often, and when we do it's minimal. So seeing all the snow was a real treat. I loved every minute of it!
When we landed safely, all the passengers spontaneously applauded.
We stayed at a bare-bones hotel that said they would leave our keys taped to the office door when we came in, and we could register in the morning. This was a very small town, obviously. They had a diner down the block that had the BEST food. They were on the Today Show because of their Lobster Rolls, so of course I had to order the Lobster Rolls. They were delicious!
So the next morning we got up early and drove to the respite center in Maine. They were so hospitable to us and devoted all their time to showing us around and answering all our questions. We were there the whole day. They believe in mutual peer support, which means there is no helper and no helpee. There is no "sick" one and no "well" one. Many of the paid staff also use the respite beds at some point. They didn't have rules (except a few necessary ones like no drugs or sexual activity in the center), and their policies were scarce as well. They emphasized open dialogue, honesty, relationship, and community. If there's a problem, it is addressed by all people involved, and everyone is heard. Negotiations occur. Rules are unnecessary.
I was impressed with their philosophy, and it was in alignment with Shery Mead's training.
Speaking of Shery Mead, we met with her and Chris Hanson after touring our second respite center in New Hampshire on Thursday. She showed us their training schedule for when they come to Georgia in January to train our new staff. I REALLY like Shery and Chris! They are like-minded souls. They get it. We are incredibly lucky to have them help kick-start our center!
We're naming it The Peer Wellness Center for now. That may or may not change.
I am really getting a handle on what it is we are doing, and it is simply groundbreaking. I saw that through this trip. It's freaking me out how HUGE this is, and how supported we really are by our peers in New England who are already doing this. I see the big picture. This is the next natural step in mental health alternatives. I can easily see these respite centers popping up all over the world.
While we were there, I heard that Soteria House has opened in Alaska. Soteria was the first ever respite center. They lost their funding and shut down, which is what happens to respite centers. But Soteria House is the most famous and most ground breaking -- and now they are in operation again! This is excellent news!
Hmmmm, I wonder if I'll ever see the snow in Alaska....
The video is an array of short snow scenes I took while driving.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
It's not about me anymore...
Everyone keeps asking me how my job at the Peer Support and Respite Center is going, so I thought I'd write a post to catch y'all up.
I haven't moved into that beautiful, big house yet, but I will soon. We just now got the utilities turned on. Furniture buying comes next. It's a lot of space to furnish, so it will probably take some time!
Tomorrow I will be going to New England to tour Respite Centers up there. As far as I know there are only three that exist. These places are scarce around the country. I'm going to find out why they are scarce and what works and what doesn't work. I'm going to learn everything I can during this trip. We'll be there all week (I'm traveling with two others), and from what I am hearing, New England will be getting its first big snowfall tomorrow night, right as we are landing. Yikes! I bought my first pair of snow shoes. Yes, my first. LOL! Who needs snow shoes in Georgia? So this will be an adventure. I have a laptop, so I will (hopefully) be able to keep up with my online life. I also have a new cell phone! This also is a first for me.
Next week we will be holding interviews for the job positions at the Respite Center. Then we will all begin training with Shery Mead. If you don't know who Shery Mead is, go to mentalhealthpeers.com As far as I know she is the only expert in the country on Peer Respite Centers.
On a personal level, I am still in awe at this opportunity I've been given. I am past the shock phase and onto the the deep appreciation phase. I doubt that will end anytime soon. It just keeps growing with every step we take toward opening the Center.
I have never been so committed to anything in my life. It's really showing me what I am made of. It's showing me that there is far more to life than the box I'd been living in. It's showing me that I truly love people and I can work with people. It's showing me that I am competent. I am not perfect, but I am good enough just as I am. I don't have to change who I am at all. I do, however, have to change the paradigm I've been living under for many years.
My life has always been about me me me. I'm not saying I've been heartless or inconsiderate -- quite the opposite -- but my giving has always been on MY terms. I am learning it's not about me anymore. It's about community. It's about relationship. It's about interdependence.
Up till now, it has never been about those things for me. I have been isolated and protected. I have been around people several times a month, but the people I have been around are the same few. My life has been predictable and stable and without too many surprises. I have been in control. God forbid that someone else has control. But this is not about control or ego or petty crap. This is about cooperation and community and building relationships. I never knew I could do this, but I can, and I like it. Yes, it is fulfilling!
Even though the Respite Center has not opened its doors yet, many doors are opening for me. I never knew they existed in the first place.
It's not about me anymore. It's about us.
In other news, my friend, Beth has moved to Kansas. If you watch my videos, you know Beth. I miss her terribly already. We are still in touch by phone and email (thank god) but it is so sad to know she is not coming over this Saturday to go film some videos or go thrift-store shopping or go out to dinner. It just breaks my heart that she is gone. But she and I both know that change is the name of the game now. She got a great new job in Kansas, still working with peers and training them just like she did here. They truly need her expertise and wisdom in Kansas. I used to live in Kansas, in fact, I spent a year at Topeka State Hospital in 1984. Beth and I tend to lead synchronistic lives. We both got interviews in the same week, we got our job offers within hours of each other, and we are both relocating to houses with a 444 address. We are both shifting paradigms, too.
It was Beth who took me to view the 444 house to see if it was a good place for the new Respite Center.
It was.
I haven't moved into that beautiful, big house yet, but I will soon. We just now got the utilities turned on. Furniture buying comes next. It's a lot of space to furnish, so it will probably take some time!
Tomorrow I will be going to New England to tour Respite Centers up there. As far as I know there are only three that exist. These places are scarce around the country. I'm going to find out why they are scarce and what works and what doesn't work. I'm going to learn everything I can during this trip. We'll be there all week (I'm traveling with two others), and from what I am hearing, New England will be getting its first big snowfall tomorrow night, right as we are landing. Yikes! I bought my first pair of snow shoes. Yes, my first. LOL! Who needs snow shoes in Georgia? So this will be an adventure. I have a laptop, so I will (hopefully) be able to keep up with my online life. I also have a new cell phone! This also is a first for me.
Next week we will be holding interviews for the job positions at the Respite Center. Then we will all begin training with Shery Mead. If you don't know who Shery Mead is, go to mentalhealthpeers.com As far as I know she is the only expert in the country on Peer Respite Centers.
On a personal level, I am still in awe at this opportunity I've been given. I am past the shock phase and onto the the deep appreciation phase. I doubt that will end anytime soon. It just keeps growing with every step we take toward opening the Center.
I have never been so committed to anything in my life. It's really showing me what I am made of. It's showing me that there is far more to life than the box I'd been living in. It's showing me that I truly love people and I can work with people. It's showing me that I am competent. I am not perfect, but I am good enough just as I am. I don't have to change who I am at all. I do, however, have to change the paradigm I've been living under for many years.
My life has always been about me me me. I'm not saying I've been heartless or inconsiderate -- quite the opposite -- but my giving has always been on MY terms. I am learning it's not about me anymore. It's about community. It's about relationship. It's about interdependence.
Up till now, it has never been about those things for me. I have been isolated and protected. I have been around people several times a month, but the people I have been around are the same few. My life has been predictable and stable and without too many surprises. I have been in control. God forbid that someone else has control. But this is not about control or ego or petty crap. This is about cooperation and community and building relationships. I never knew I could do this, but I can, and I like it. Yes, it is fulfilling!
Even though the Respite Center has not opened its doors yet, many doors are opening for me. I never knew they existed in the first place.
It's not about me anymore. It's about us.
In other news, my friend, Beth has moved to Kansas. If you watch my videos, you know Beth. I miss her terribly already. We are still in touch by phone and email (thank god) but it is so sad to know she is not coming over this Saturday to go film some videos or go thrift-store shopping or go out to dinner. It just breaks my heart that she is gone. But she and I both know that change is the name of the game now. She got a great new job in Kansas, still working with peers and training them just like she did here. They truly need her expertise and wisdom in Kansas. I used to live in Kansas, in fact, I spent a year at Topeka State Hospital in 1984. Beth and I tend to lead synchronistic lives. We both got interviews in the same week, we got our job offers within hours of each other, and we are both relocating to houses with a 444 address. We are both shifting paradigms, too.
It was Beth who took me to view the 444 house to see if it was a good place for the new Respite Center.
It was.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Linda Buckner, CPS
Linda Buckner is a friend and mentor who has touched the lives of countless others who have been diagnosed and labeled with mental illness.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
A dream I had in 1992
Before I post the dream, lemme tell ya my good news...
We found a house for the Respite Center!!! It's a 3-story house with many rooms on all floors. I've never lived anywhere this beautiful in my life! I'll be moving in a few weeks, yes during the holidays. If you don't hear from me for a while, that may be the reason. But I'll be back... eventually. Who knows, I may be able to sneak in a post or two along the way.
Okay, the dream. At the time, I was homeless, not on the streets, but running out of places to stay. I had been living with friends, and I could not find an apartment anywhere in town (Springdale, Ark). I had hopes for one apartment but it fell through. It was my last lead, and I had to leave the place where I was living. Long story. Shortly after I had this dream, my sister Jody called and invited me to move in with her in Atlanta. What a goddsend! I moved there immediately, and I've been in the Atlanta area ever since.
BTW, if you want to read my book, it's called Burdens in the Thought Life. I wrote it in 1995. It's on an old old website with broken links, but the book and the stories are intact. Of course a lot has happened since the book's ending, and maybe one day I will write a sequel. I doubt it, though. Rayne's World is my sequel.
This dream is significant to me because I remember it vividly to this day. It was more than a dream.
July 18, 1992
I had a dream last night that was so real - I believe it was a vision. Jesus Christ and I were walking along a chain-link fence. He was entirely human, like me, and was wearing his Nazarene clothes and sandals. He walked a few steps ahead, occasionally warning me of a ditch or stone in our path. We were like old friends, feeling peaceful in each other's company and comfortable with long stretches of silence.
Suddenly our journey became divine as Jesus transformed himself into a celestial spirit enveloped in pure, white light. He ascended several feet in the air and held out his hand. I reached toward him, tentatively, afraid of trusting him entirely. He grasped my hand and it literally fused into his. Our two hands became one.
As he lifted me toward the clouds, we began to soar with remarkable speed over a large, metropolitan city. The city lights against the dark sky seemed to dance with the harmony of our passage. My eyesight was perfect, and I was able to ingest every building and car and streetlight, no matter how quickly we zipped by. At times I was dancing with angels, spinning around stars, and still able to capture every sight below and behind me.
We landed in a large room full of people dressed in polyester pantsuits. They were sitting on ripped couches and gazing at oversized pictures of autumn scenery. Overflowing ashtrays lingered on chafed tables, and Styrofoam cups teetered near empty corners. I recognized the scene well. We had landed in an institution for the mentally ill.
The patients couldn't see us - they couldn't even see one another - but I could see right through their blank expressions and into their buried souls — all longing to shed a tear over the loss of their earthly purposes. In each latent tear I saw a pool of untapped potential waiting to be released from the grips of a violent whirlpool. It was tugging them down farther and farther with every psychiatric encounter. I remembered those encounters.
Underneath it all, these people knew who they were but they had forgotten how to believe in themselves. I longed to convince them that they still mattered and that any belief at all would begin to feed their inner cravings for life again.
Jesus understood my thoughts and said, "This is what I want you to do."
We found a house for the Respite Center!!! It's a 3-story house with many rooms on all floors. I've never lived anywhere this beautiful in my life! I'll be moving in a few weeks, yes during the holidays. If you don't hear from me for a while, that may be the reason. But I'll be back... eventually. Who knows, I may be able to sneak in a post or two along the way.
Okay, the dream. At the time, I was homeless, not on the streets, but running out of places to stay. I had been living with friends, and I could not find an apartment anywhere in town (Springdale, Ark). I had hopes for one apartment but it fell through. It was my last lead, and I had to leave the place where I was living. Long story. Shortly after I had this dream, my sister Jody called and invited me to move in with her in Atlanta. What a goddsend! I moved there immediately, and I've been in the Atlanta area ever since.
BTW, if you want to read my book, it's called Burdens in the Thought Life. I wrote it in 1995. It's on an old old website with broken links, but the book and the stories are intact. Of course a lot has happened since the book's ending, and maybe one day I will write a sequel. I doubt it, though. Rayne's World is my sequel.
This dream is significant to me because I remember it vividly to this day. It was more than a dream.
July 18, 1992
I had a dream last night that was so real - I believe it was a vision. Jesus Christ and I were walking along a chain-link fence. He was entirely human, like me, and was wearing his Nazarene clothes and sandals. He walked a few steps ahead, occasionally warning me of a ditch or stone in our path. We were like old friends, feeling peaceful in each other's company and comfortable with long stretches of silence.
Suddenly our journey became divine as Jesus transformed himself into a celestial spirit enveloped in pure, white light. He ascended several feet in the air and held out his hand. I reached toward him, tentatively, afraid of trusting him entirely. He grasped my hand and it literally fused into his. Our two hands became one.
As he lifted me toward the clouds, we began to soar with remarkable speed over a large, metropolitan city. The city lights against the dark sky seemed to dance with the harmony of our passage. My eyesight was perfect, and I was able to ingest every building and car and streetlight, no matter how quickly we zipped by. At times I was dancing with angels, spinning around stars, and still able to capture every sight below and behind me.
We landed in a large room full of people dressed in polyester pantsuits. They were sitting on ripped couches and gazing at oversized pictures of autumn scenery. Overflowing ashtrays lingered on chafed tables, and Styrofoam cups teetered near empty corners. I recognized the scene well. We had landed in an institution for the mentally ill.
The patients couldn't see us - they couldn't even see one another - but I could see right through their blank expressions and into their buried souls — all longing to shed a tear over the loss of their earthly purposes. In each latent tear I saw a pool of untapped potential waiting to be released from the grips of a violent whirlpool. It was tugging them down farther and farther with every psychiatric encounter. I remembered those encounters.
Underneath it all, these people knew who they were but they had forgotten how to believe in themselves. I longed to convince them that they still mattered and that any belief at all would begin to feed their inner cravings for life again.
Jesus understood my thoughts and said, "This is what I want you to do."
Sunday, November 11, 2007
The Healing Time
Thanks to Gianna for posting this poem on Bipolar Blast. It took my breath away. It says it all.
The Healing Time
Finally on my way to yes
I bump into
all the places
where I said no
to my life
all the untended wounds
the red and purple scars
those hieroglyphs of pain
carved into my skin, my bones,
those coded messages
that send me down
the wrong street
again and again
where I find them
the old wounds
the old misdirections
and I lift them
one by one
close to my heart
and I say holy
holy.
© Pesha Joyce Gertler
The Healing Time
Finally on my way to yes
I bump into
all the places
where I said no
to my life
all the untended wounds
the red and purple scars
those hieroglyphs of pain
carved into my skin, my bones,
those coded messages
that send me down
the wrong street
again and again
where I find them
the old wounds
the old misdirections
and I lift them
one by one
close to my heart
and I say holy
holy.
© Pesha Joyce Gertler
Friday, November 09, 2007
Short note and search terms
Just a short post to let you all know I am still around. I have officially started my new job, and I am really seeing what a huge project this is. I am also seeing what a quantum leap I took just by accepting the position. I have lived on Social Security Disability my entire adult life, and I went from that to THIS at age 45. It's surreal to me, and I am enjoying every last minute of it. It's a challenge like no other, and I am learning things about myself that I never had the chance to know before. And that's only after the first week!
The support I am getting is uncanny. It's like people are seeing this in a way that goes far beyond the present moment, and for some, beyond this present lifetime. And then others just DON'T get it at all! Blank stare. Utter silence. There's no in-between response. It feels like something strange is going on in the "other" realms. The non-responses are coming from people I never guessed would have them. It's not upsetting at all, please don't get me wrong, but it's observable, curious, and amusing.
This is an amazing thing we are doing in Georgia. I am still in utter AWE that it's actually happening. I've dreamed about this for years. Eventually, I will post the actual dream I had in 1992. Maybe next post...
:deep breath:
I posted a video of Charles Willis on Faces of Recovery. Charles is one of my favorite people, and now a collegue. That's the beauty of this job -- I get to work with my friends.
Okay, now onto superficial things...
Call me a geek, but I am fascinated by the search terms people type into Google, which leads them to Rayne's World. Here's my most current list from the last week. Bye for now...
catching clock on 333 or 444
mental health: finding no joy in anything
how were turtle doves named
mental breakdowns
dissociation biology chemistry bpd
concerned2 blog
psychiatric care use of tasers
dissociation how to get well
in the arms of the angels song meanings
rayne
how to deal with depression from painful memories
The support I am getting is uncanny. It's like people are seeing this in a way that goes far beyond the present moment, and for some, beyond this present lifetime. And then others just DON'T get it at all! Blank stare. Utter silence. There's no in-between response. It feels like something strange is going on in the "other" realms. The non-responses are coming from people I never guessed would have them. It's not upsetting at all, please don't get me wrong, but it's observable, curious, and amusing.
This is an amazing thing we are doing in Georgia. I am still in utter AWE that it's actually happening. I've dreamed about this for years. Eventually, I will post the actual dream I had in 1992. Maybe next post...
:deep breath:
I posted a video of Charles Willis on Faces of Recovery. Charles is one of my favorite people, and now a collegue. That's the beauty of this job -- I get to work with my friends.
Okay, now onto superficial things...
Call me a geek, but I am fascinated by the search terms people type into Google, which leads them to Rayne's World. Here's my most current list from the last week. Bye for now...
catching clock on 333 or 444
mental health: finding no joy in anything
how were turtle doves named
mental breakdowns
dissociation biology chemistry bpd
concerned2 blog
psychiatric care use of tasers
dissociation how to get well
in the arms of the angels song meanings
rayne
how to deal with depression from painful memories
Monday, October 29, 2007
Georgia steps up to the plate. OMG!!!
Get this! The Department of Mental Health, Developmental Disabilities, and Addictive Diseases (MHDDAD) is funding a brand new, first and only, Peer Support and Respite Center for people in Georgia who prefer to use an alternative setting to traditional psychiatric hospitalization. This center will be run entirely by peers! The State turned the whole operation over to the Georgia Mental Health Consumer Network, which means they are in charge of the funding, site location, staffing, development, day-to-day operations, everything from the ground up.
It gets better.
Yesterday I was hired as the Director!
Excuse me while I faint. This goes beyond anything I ever imagined for myself. I am overwhelmed. I am speechless. I am in shock.
This morning I woke up with tears streaming down my face. This is how happy I am.
It gets better.
Yesterday I was hired as the Director!
Excuse me while I faint. This goes beyond anything I ever imagined for myself. I am overwhelmed. I am speechless. I am in shock.
This morning I woke up with tears streaming down my face. This is how happy I am.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
YouTubers discuss ADHD
This video was on smpfilms channel. He is a YouTube celebrity that I have subscribed to for a couple years. I've also seen him on regular TV. Usually a video related to psychiatry, especially questioning it, is done by a small community on YouTube. This is the first I've seen from a YouTube celebrity. A lot of the people in the video are ones I am also subscribed to and many of them are also YouTube celebrities. I am amazed to find something like this so widespread on YouTube. It made my day, so I just had to share it.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
"Creative Maladjustment" quote from Martin Luther King, Jr
Thanks to Gianna at Bipolar Blast for posting this quote:
“This hour in history needs a dedicated circle of transformed nonconformists. Our planet teeters on the brink of annihilation; dangerous passions of pride, hatred, and selfishness are enthroned in our lives; and men do reverence before false gods of nationalism and materialism. The saving of our world from pending doom will come, not through the complacent adjustment of the conforming majority, but through the creative maladjustment of a nonconforming minority.”
—Martin Luther King, Jr.
“This hour in history needs a dedicated circle of transformed nonconformists. Our planet teeters on the brink of annihilation; dangerous passions of pride, hatred, and selfishness are enthroned in our lives; and men do reverence before false gods of nationalism and materialism. The saving of our world from pending doom will come, not through the complacent adjustment of the conforming majority, but through the creative maladjustment of a nonconforming minority.”
—Martin Luther King, Jr.
Friday, October 12, 2007
In the Arms of the Angels
Last Sunday I attended the 10th anniversary memorial service of the Cemetery Restoration Project at Central State Hospital in Milledgeville, GA. If you are unfamiliar with the story of this cemetery, view a previous video Let Me Live. For those of you who follow this blog, you know what this cemetery means to me and to all the people who died at the "largest lunatic asylum in the world." Of course it's not called that today. We've come a long way but we still have a long way to go.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Bill Reese - Psychiatric Abuse Survivor
I met Bill at the Network conference last August. This was the first time he had ever told his story to anyone except his fiance.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
Psychiatric Drug Withdrawal
Jodie Fisher from Minnesota, my good friend for 10 years, talks about her experiences with getting off psychiatric drugs. She experienced this long before the YouTube video diaries and various blogs dedicated to this issue. She was totally alone during her process, and at first she had no idea what she was dealing with. She realized the strange and frightening sensations were withdrawal symptoms when she took a pill and the withdrawals stopped almost immediately. She got no support from her doctor or therapist; in fact, when she refused to take Zoloft anymore because she was nursing her daughter, her therapist insisted she be hospitalized and called an ambulance. There were other issues going on with her, of course, but the power struggle over the medication was the deciding factor behind her involuntary hospitalization. Today she knows without a doubt that it had nothing to do with psychosis, but she was having a spiritual crisis that she truly needed to deal with on that level. She did not need any medication, nor did she need to be hospitalized. She was not a danger to herself or others, yet that wasn't considered when the ambulance was called.
I plan to post more of her story with the mental health system, but for now her withdrawal story is a good start.
I also posted another video on Faces of Recovery called Peter Ashendon Speaks Out. He was a keynote speaker at the Network conference, and his story is compelling, inspiring, and well worth your time.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Mostly geeky news
I posted a new video today on the Faces of Recovery blog. Go check it out!
In other news....
I GOT A NEW COMPUTER!!!!
I had to do it. My old computer was groaning, "No more videos, please! You are taxing my energies and turning me into an old, old man." So I finally listened. Who cares that I'm going deeper into debt, right? But get this. I picked out the computer I wanted, an HP Pavilion (just like I always get), had my mouse on the "submit" button, all ready to pay, when all of a sudden I thought, "hmmmmm, I wonder if there's a coupon code for this computer." I jumped over to Google real quick and typed in "coupon code hp pavilion" and at the very top was a code for $400 off an HP Pavilion! I typed in the code to my total, and I watched the price magically go down $400. When does that ever happen, right? So I took it as a sign that I will be okay financially in buying this computer.
And now that I have it all set up, I am wondering how in the world I was able to do all I was doing on my other computer? That thing is at least 4 years old. It had 40 gigs hard drive space and, yes, 256 mbs of RAM. And here I was expecting it to handle several gigabytes worth of footage in my video editor. No wonder why it took me hours to edit one video! And forget about encoding! This new computer is a powerhouse in comparison. It has 2 gigs of RAM and one Terabyte of hard drive space! I can be editing videos, pause to make another video in Windows Picture Show, search and download podsafe music, edit some pictures in Photoshop, and check my email without closing any windows. It's just amazing what I can do now!
And I don't understand all the whining about Windows Vista! It's compatible with every peripheral and software program I own. There was no learning curve, either, and everything was customizable to my personal comfort zone. It hasn't crashed once, and I just couldn't be happier right now. Don't believe everything you hear about Vista. Be your own judge.
Of course I've only used it for two days so far :o)
My friend Jodie will be here Sunday to stay with me all week long! September 18th is 9-9-9, which is why she's coming. That probably sounds odd considering most people consider September 18th to be 9-18-07. But in numerology it's 9-9-9 and it's the perfect reason for her to visit. It's the Quantum Leap celebration in some spiritual circles, including ours. It's also a good excuse to visit a friend in Georgia. I plan to post videos of her visit, maybe even while she's still here. She and I often go to different dimensions when we get together. If you don't know what that means, you will soon find out. Maybe...
In other news....
I GOT A NEW COMPUTER!!!!
I had to do it. My old computer was groaning, "No more videos, please! You are taxing my energies and turning me into an old, old man." So I finally listened. Who cares that I'm going deeper into debt, right? But get this. I picked out the computer I wanted, an HP Pavilion (just like I always get), had my mouse on the "submit" button, all ready to pay, when all of a sudden I thought, "hmmmmm, I wonder if there's a coupon code for this computer." I jumped over to Google real quick and typed in "coupon code hp pavilion" and at the very top was a code for $400 off an HP Pavilion! I typed in the code to my total, and I watched the price magically go down $400. When does that ever happen, right? So I took it as a sign that I will be okay financially in buying this computer.
And now that I have it all set up, I am wondering how in the world I was able to do all I was doing on my other computer? That thing is at least 4 years old. It had 40 gigs hard drive space and, yes, 256 mbs of RAM. And here I was expecting it to handle several gigabytes worth of footage in my video editor. No wonder why it took me hours to edit one video! And forget about encoding! This new computer is a powerhouse in comparison. It has 2 gigs of RAM and one Terabyte of hard drive space! I can be editing videos, pause to make another video in Windows Picture Show, search and download podsafe music, edit some pictures in Photoshop, and check my email without closing any windows. It's just amazing what I can do now!
And I don't understand all the whining about Windows Vista! It's compatible with every peripheral and software program I own. There was no learning curve, either, and everything was customizable to my personal comfort zone. It hasn't crashed once, and I just couldn't be happier right now. Don't believe everything you hear about Vista. Be your own judge.
Of course I've only used it for two days so far :o)
My friend Jodie will be here Sunday to stay with me all week long! September 18th is 9-9-9, which is why she's coming. That probably sounds odd considering most people consider September 18th to be 9-18-07. But in numerology it's 9-9-9 and it's the perfect reason for her to visit. It's the Quantum Leap celebration in some spiritual circles, including ours. It's also a good excuse to visit a friend in Georgia. I plan to post videos of her visit, maybe even while she's still here. She and I often go to different dimensions when we get together. If you don't know what that means, you will soon find out. Maybe...
Friday, September 07, 2007
Search Terms Just for Fun
I've seen other bloggers do this and I always thought it was so interesting, so maybe it will be interesting to my readers, too. I have a stat page that tells me which keywords people type into Google that ultimately bring them to Rayne's World. The latest keywords are:
gogo lidz
rayne's world
andy rayne
wake up seeing 111, 222, 333, 444, 555
youtube dark rayne
how to deal with mental people
jayme blogspot
april rayne did she die
The one about the triple digits is the most common. April Rayne is common too even though I have no idea who she is. I've never heard of Andy Rayne or dark rayne. GoGo Lidz is common. She's a DJ on MTV in case you don't know her. (Pun alert if you didn't get it. Check archives)
How to deal with mental people? Aw come on!
This geeky stat stuff is hilarious!
gogo lidz
rayne's world
andy rayne
wake up seeing 111, 222, 333, 444, 555
youtube dark rayne
how to deal with mental people
jayme blogspot
april rayne did she die
The one about the triple digits is the most common. April Rayne is common too even though I have no idea who she is. I've never heard of Andy Rayne or dark rayne. GoGo Lidz is common. She's a DJ on MTV in case you don't know her. (Pun alert if you didn't get it. Check archives)
How to deal with mental people? Aw come on!
This geeky stat stuff is hilarious!
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
The Great Divide
I've had enough time to recover from the Georgia Mental Health Consumer Network summer conference, so I thought I'd write something about it. I posted a video on the Faces of Recovery blog of some of the opening remarks by my friend and collegue, Sherry Jenkins-Tucker. I decided not to cross post the video because so many people are subscribed to both blogs and they would get duplicates in their email.
This was the third conference I'd attended, and it was by far the most powerful. Not because of any of the activities or workshops or keynotes, but because of the harsh realities I came to realize through the unfolding of the conference.
We are a divided system here in Georgia. We have the "medical model" folks and we have the "recovery model" folks, and both camps were strongly represented at the conference. I was dumbfounded at times because I am typically surrounded by empowered individuals who are in recovery, yet I came face to face with individuals who have no clue what recovery is. They talk about their medications and their doctors and their day programs. That's all well and good for them, but what about a life outside of the mental health system? What about friends and movies and sports and classes and jobs and all the other things that life has to offer? I would have loved to hear about the whole person rather than one diagnosed aspect. We are people first! But our humanity is stripped away from us if we totally buy into the medical model of treatment, which is so painfully prevelant.
I felt this sense of dark oppression among the participants in the conference. I heard staff members who'd brought consumers to the conference straight from the day programs, warn consumers not to stay in their hotel rooms and play hooky from the workshops. I heard one staff person tell their group that they were in school and needed to go to "class", referring to the workshops. In other words, this conference became an extension of their day treatment programs. I ran into one consumer in the elevator scared of missing an event that she was "supposed" to attend and scared of "getting in trouble."
This broke my heart.
After that encounter, I turned to find a room full of peers who were relaxing and playing cards and talking and just kicking back. This was the peer support room, one of the new additions to the conference this year. It was a welcomed success. I just wonder if some of the more oppressed consumers were even allowed to go into that room.
I walked into the auditorium to hear one of the state people talking about how they planned to spend the mental health budget. I saw the Power Point presentation plastered with the typical medical model crap, just like every other year. So I left and filmed the gorgeous sunset at the pier. Later, two consumers joined me and we had fun just getting to know each other. I couldn't help but think of all the consumers still in the auditorium, at that point, pouring their hearts out to the deaf ears of the governor's advisory council. I doubt this council ever had a meeting with the governor, and I doubt even more their power. All I know is that the consumers who spoke to them were sincere and authentic and believed their voices were being heard.
The next day, the Network presented awards to various individuals and organizations who deserved recognition for the work they'd done the previous year. This part of the conference is always fun, but this year I nearly shit my pants when Andy Miller accepted the journalism award. He is the journalist, along with Alan Judd, who broke the story for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution about all the deaths in the state hospitals in Georgia. The "Hidden Shame" series is still going on, and it has shaken the state office to its core. You can see an overview of all the articles and the fallout at this webpage, hosted by the Network. Andy Miller is a hero to all consumers in Georgia who are at risk of being admitted or committed to one of Georgia's seven state hospitals. He and Alan, through these articles, are our strongest voices to the state right now. I was totally taken by surprise when I saw Andy there. Wow wow wow!
The mental health system in Georgia is ranked one of the lowest in the country. I think it's #45 but I may be wrong. I know it's in the 40s out of 50 states. They also got a D grade on the prestigious NAMI report card. Not that I give a crap about NAMI but it's enough for our governor to call a special meeting to hear how Georgia can raise its grade.
One the other side of this great divide is Peer Support, which is ranked number one in the country. Guess which programs the state has decided to cut? Can you say Peer Support? Very good.
The more ridiculous our state becomes, the more obvious it appears before the public. So go ahead, Georgia, DHR, Sonny Perdue, get as ridiculous as possible so that any person with an ounce of common sense can see all the damage you are doing. When the public takes notice, things finally get addressed, and people get voted out of office, appointees get replaced, burned-out bureaucrats get lost. So keep doing what you're doing, Georgia. You are only hanging yourself.
Forgive them, for they know not what they do.
Seriously, they are incredibly blind.
I know why this is happening! The people who are in charge of the mental health system, the policy makers, the doctors, nurses, case managers, and even the family members do not believe in the capacity and the intrinsic value of individuals they are supposed to be helping. Not only do they not believe in recovery, but they impose their disempowering beliefs onto some of the most intelligent, compassionate, and creative individuals in the state of Georgia. If only they knew what I know. If only they saw what I see. If only they believed.
But you can't force a belief onto someone else. You can't make a policy saying you must believe in the consumers you serve. This is why I have little hope of the system truly transforming. If changes are going to be made, they will most likely be made outside the system from people who actually get it. And these angels of hope will be offering strong, recovery-based alternatives to some of our most vulnerable citizens. You may even be one of those angels. I know I am.
This was the third conference I'd attended, and it was by far the most powerful. Not because of any of the activities or workshops or keynotes, but because of the harsh realities I came to realize through the unfolding of the conference.
We are a divided system here in Georgia. We have the "medical model" folks and we have the "recovery model" folks, and both camps were strongly represented at the conference. I was dumbfounded at times because I am typically surrounded by empowered individuals who are in recovery, yet I came face to face with individuals who have no clue what recovery is. They talk about their medications and their doctors and their day programs. That's all well and good for them, but what about a life outside of the mental health system? What about friends and movies and sports and classes and jobs and all the other things that life has to offer? I would have loved to hear about the whole person rather than one diagnosed aspect. We are people first! But our humanity is stripped away from us if we totally buy into the medical model of treatment, which is so painfully prevelant.
I felt this sense of dark oppression among the participants in the conference. I heard staff members who'd brought consumers to the conference straight from the day programs, warn consumers not to stay in their hotel rooms and play hooky from the workshops. I heard one staff person tell their group that they were in school and needed to go to "class", referring to the workshops. In other words, this conference became an extension of their day treatment programs. I ran into one consumer in the elevator scared of missing an event that she was "supposed" to attend and scared of "getting in trouble."
This broke my heart.
After that encounter, I turned to find a room full of peers who were relaxing and playing cards and talking and just kicking back. This was the peer support room, one of the new additions to the conference this year. It was a welcomed success. I just wonder if some of the more oppressed consumers were even allowed to go into that room.
I walked into the auditorium to hear one of the state people talking about how they planned to spend the mental health budget. I saw the Power Point presentation plastered with the typical medical model crap, just like every other year. So I left and filmed the gorgeous sunset at the pier. Later, two consumers joined me and we had fun just getting to know each other. I couldn't help but think of all the consumers still in the auditorium, at that point, pouring their hearts out to the deaf ears of the governor's advisory council. I doubt this council ever had a meeting with the governor, and I doubt even more their power. All I know is that the consumers who spoke to them were sincere and authentic and believed their voices were being heard.
The next day, the Network presented awards to various individuals and organizations who deserved recognition for the work they'd done the previous year. This part of the conference is always fun, but this year I nearly shit my pants when Andy Miller accepted the journalism award. He is the journalist, along with Alan Judd, who broke the story for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution about all the deaths in the state hospitals in Georgia. The "Hidden Shame" series is still going on, and it has shaken the state office to its core. You can see an overview of all the articles and the fallout at this webpage, hosted by the Network. Andy Miller is a hero to all consumers in Georgia who are at risk of being admitted or committed to one of Georgia's seven state hospitals. He and Alan, through these articles, are our strongest voices to the state right now. I was totally taken by surprise when I saw Andy there. Wow wow wow!
The mental health system in Georgia is ranked one of the lowest in the country. I think it's #45 but I may be wrong. I know it's in the 40s out of 50 states. They also got a D grade on the prestigious NAMI report card. Not that I give a crap about NAMI but it's enough for our governor to call a special meeting to hear how Georgia can raise its grade.
One the other side of this great divide is Peer Support, which is ranked number one in the country. Guess which programs the state has decided to cut? Can you say Peer Support? Very good.
The more ridiculous our state becomes, the more obvious it appears before the public. So go ahead, Georgia, DHR, Sonny Perdue, get as ridiculous as possible so that any person with an ounce of common sense can see all the damage you are doing. When the public takes notice, things finally get addressed, and people get voted out of office, appointees get replaced, burned-out bureaucrats get lost. So keep doing what you're doing, Georgia. You are only hanging yourself.
Forgive them, for they know not what they do.
Seriously, they are incredibly blind.
I know why this is happening! The people who are in charge of the mental health system, the policy makers, the doctors, nurses, case managers, and even the family members do not believe in the capacity and the intrinsic value of individuals they are supposed to be helping. Not only do they not believe in recovery, but they impose their disempowering beliefs onto some of the most intelligent, compassionate, and creative individuals in the state of Georgia. If only they knew what I know. If only they saw what I see. If only they believed.
But you can't force a belief onto someone else. You can't make a policy saying you must believe in the consumers you serve. This is why I have little hope of the system truly transforming. If changes are going to be made, they will most likely be made outside the system from people who actually get it. And these angels of hope will be offering strong, recovery-based alternatives to some of our most vulnerable citizens. You may even be one of those angels. I know I am.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Recovery from the Mental Health System
I suppose if I am going to be filming recovery stories next week at the Network conference, I should post mine as well. I am looking forward to the conference. For those who don't know, this is an annual statewide conference for Georgia mental health cosumers and survivors. You can learn more at the conference webpage.
I Don't Care if You Hate Anti-Psychiatry
The last few days, the traffic to this blog has risen exponentially. It's an interesting story, so I thought I'd share.
I wrote a comment on the blog Shrink Rap, written by three psychiatrists who also have a podcast titled My Three Shrinks that I listen to regularly. They are mainstream psychiatrists, and their charm is simply irresistible to me. The topics they cover generally keep me informed on how typical psychiatrists think about current topics in psychiatry. I just believe it's a good idea to have a well-rounded view of psychiatry because I could get lost in short-sightedness and bitterness in my anti-psychiatry activism. Their views are surprisingly easy on the ears.
Anyway, the comment I made (where I revealed I was anti-psychiatry) stirred a whole slew of heated discussions on that topic. A summary can be found on Dinah's latest post titled I Don't Care if You Hate Shrinks. In short, Roy, one of the shrinks, linked to my post How I Deal With Mental Breakdowns. Well, some readers, and Dinah, had a problem with Roy linking to a anti-psychiatry blog.
And so the discussion continues. It's a great discussion, and I hope you check it out, especially if you are a regular reader of Rayne's World. And this discussion has brought literally hundreds and hundreds of readers to this blog, and especially to a certain post, which happens to be the most personal post I've ever written on Rayne's World.
Just for the record, I am not anti-psychiatrist, just anti-psychiatry. Shrinks are people too, and most of them are pretty nice. They just need to practice true informed consent, rather than cookie-cutter treatment regiments for individuals arbitrarily placed in DSM boxes. I just had to throw that in so no one would fear I'd gone to the other side.
Shrink Rap is now a part of my blog roll. Check them out if you believe in true informed consent. This blog only gives the anti-psychiatry side of things, and I would never want an individual to feel stigmatized for choosing psychiatry. It all boils down to choices, folks, all choices.
I wrote a comment on the blog Shrink Rap, written by three psychiatrists who also have a podcast titled My Three Shrinks that I listen to regularly. They are mainstream psychiatrists, and their charm is simply irresistible to me. The topics they cover generally keep me informed on how typical psychiatrists think about current topics in psychiatry. I just believe it's a good idea to have a well-rounded view of psychiatry because I could get lost in short-sightedness and bitterness in my anti-psychiatry activism. Their views are surprisingly easy on the ears.
Anyway, the comment I made (where I revealed I was anti-psychiatry) stirred a whole slew of heated discussions on that topic. A summary can be found on Dinah's latest post titled I Don't Care if You Hate Shrinks. In short, Roy, one of the shrinks, linked to my post How I Deal With Mental Breakdowns. Well, some readers, and Dinah, had a problem with Roy linking to a anti-psychiatry blog.
And so the discussion continues. It's a great discussion, and I hope you check it out, especially if you are a regular reader of Rayne's World. And this discussion has brought literally hundreds and hundreds of readers to this blog, and especially to a certain post, which happens to be the most personal post I've ever written on Rayne's World.
Just for the record, I am not anti-psychiatrist, just anti-psychiatry. Shrinks are people too, and most of them are pretty nice. They just need to practice true informed consent, rather than cookie-cutter treatment regiments for individuals arbitrarily placed in DSM boxes. I just had to throw that in so no one would fear I'd gone to the other side.
Shrink Rap is now a part of my blog roll. Check them out if you believe in true informed consent. This blog only gives the anti-psychiatry side of things, and I would never want an individual to feel stigmatized for choosing psychiatry. It all boils down to choices, folks, all choices.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Asylum
Beth and I spent the day at Central State Hospital in Milledgeville, GA. This place is full of both tragedy and hope. It's one of my favorite places to visit, especially with a video camera. I honestly feel as if I am visiting my ancestors, possibly myself from a past lifetime. There is something very healing about visiting the memorial. The energy is sacred and beautiful.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
My drawings, dedicated to MN friends and artists.
I figured it was about time I posted my artwork. During the process of making this video, it unfolded magically on its own to become a dedication, not only to my friends in Minnesota, but to those Minnesotan commuters whom I have never met. I pray that we all make it home safely.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
How I deal with mental breakdowns
As most of you already know, I refuse to take any medications for mental illness, even though every doctor I've seen has stated that I need to be on medications for the rest of my life. That is why I no longer see doctors. So what do I do in a crisis situation? How do I deal with the symptoms? This question was asked the other day, and I realized that I needed to write a blog post about it. My answer is highly unconventional, yet I feel it's long overdue.
Before I answer, let me describe the symptoms I experience. I hate the word "symptoms" by the way because they are simply human experiences, yet for this post I'll use the term because it is the psychiatric term used in diagnosing specific, unwonted human experiences.
Depression. When I get depressed, I can't get out of bed. I have no motivation to do anything. All I can do is cry and think about dying. Life has no meaning whatsoever. I find no joy in any activity, and even lying in bed is painful. There is no escape. Nothing helps. I can't tolerate any social situation, and I don't answer the phone or the door. It's a miracle I am still alive today because suicide is the most comforting thought I carry. It allows me a sense of power amidst all the powerlessness that depression brings.
Anxiety. When I am feeling anxious, life becomes overwhelming. I cannot handle noise or movement. It makes me want to scream and lash out and stop the chaos in any way possible. I feel jumpy and desperate and totally out of control. When I get this way, I can truly identify with the person who goes on a shooting spree. That is hard to admit, but it is so true. Again, that fantasy allows me a sense of power amidst the powerlessness that anxiety brings.
Dissociation. Dissociation, for me, is very similar to being in a state of shock. Everything around me becomes surreal. It's like I've been thrust into another reality where nothing is like it was before. Think of a time when you first heard the news of a loved one's unexpected death. That is similar to what dissociation is like for me, except there was no death. Also, my memory gets really bad, and time becomes warped and distorted.
Those are my three primary experiences and symptoms that have been diagnosed by psychiatrists since 1982. The actual diagnoses vary, depending on the psychiatrist, and some of them include Major Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and the list goes on. I've also been diagnosed with illnesses that have nothing to do with the symptoms I described. You see, once I got into the system, I developed other behaviors simply from the side effects from the medications I was given or from trying to survive in a psychiatric hospital or day program. These added behaviors were diagnosed with things like Chronic Undifferentiated Schizophrenia, Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizo Affective Disorder, and the list goes on.
These are the reasons I do not believe in the existence of mental illness. The system simply can't get it right, most likely due to the fact that there are no scientific tests for any mental illness. Psychiatrists -- and NAMI -- will tell you that brain scans show differences in the brain chemistry of people with these illnesses, but hey, they failed to stop the medications before scanning the brains. Those scans are of chemically-altered brains! Other explanations are possible, too, like childhood trauma, which is the most prevelant occurance in people who have been diagnosed with a mental illness. But this whole brain-chemistry topic is for another post. It gets pretty involved.
So what do I do when those symptoms occur that I described above?
I embrace them. I honor them for what they are and I feel them for all they are worth. If I am depressed, I feel the depression as if I were being paid to describe to someone what depression is like. I describe it as I am feeling it. I don't try to distract myself from it the way everyone advises me to do. I hear things like "Take a walk, call a friend, go out with friends, exercise, do anything except feel the depression, you are only dwelling on it and it will make things worse, and for godssake don't isolate!" I used to feel so guilty for not being able to follow their advice. Not anymore! I will dwell on my depression. I will isolate. I will remove myself from all of society and I will treat myself to whatever my heart desires. That usually means isolating and wallowing in depression and crying my heart out for no reason. There is movement in crying! There is healing. I cry as deeply as my body will allow, and the exhaustion that follows is the most healing experience of all. And "healing" does not mean that the depression is over. It may be around for a while, and that is okay. It is not something that needs to be healed. Depression is simply another human experience, and by god, I am going to experience it!
So what happens when you stop trying to cure depression? The only thing constant is change, and that includes depression. It is always temporary, and you can count on it.
Allowing depression to run its natural course ultimately allowed me to become a more compassionate and empathetic human being than I ever was before. These traits are priceless and eternal. No SSRI could ever accomplish that. Not even close.
Intolerance for noise and movement peaked when I lived in the downtown high rise. The chaos was constant, and my cockatiel Jake added to the chaos every day. I was nearly at the point of hurting that precious little bird, and that's when I realized I absolutely had to find a way to cope with my anxiety. So I began paying attention to the chaos, soaking it in, refusing to try and make it go away, no longer believing that I would find peace if it all stopped. I said "Bring it on!" and I meant it. I observed myself experiencing the chaos and knew that I was safe in the midst of it. It is an amazing, transformational process of surrender, which has far greater value than anything Xanax can offer.
This method also worked with Dissociation. The diagnosis used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder. If I have other personalities inside of me, why not get to know them and embrace them and learn from them? They are there for a reason, and they are me! I could write a whole post on this subject alone (and maybe I will), but trying to fight off any aspect of myself, whether it is depression, anxiety, or multiple personalities, is only denying myself yet another human experience. I refuse to do that anymore. I have a right to experience being human because I am human!
So, what really happens when I embrace all these symptoms rather than fix (mask) them through psychiatric "treatments"? Hmmmm.... well, I very rarely have any of these symptoms anymore, and when I do, they don't last nearly as long. To be honest, I can't remember details of their recurrences anymore because they don't stand out like they used to. They are no longer "bad" or "horrible" in my mind or my experience, so why make a note of them? It's like having a rainy day. Who cares? It just happens. Anyway, my goal was never to make the symptoms go away. It just happened.
Probably the greatest benefit of using this method is the lack of fear and guilt I now have toward any of these symptoms creeping into my life.
I truly believe I am on to something here.
I also use this method for other things that are uncomfortable, like quitting smoking. I didn't use any distractions like gum or exercise whenever I would have a craving, which was constant in the beginning. I felt the craving, even invited it. And of course the cravings subsided. I have no desire to smoke anymore, but if the desire creeps in, I take the time to feel it and embrace it. Feelings can't kill you, but smoking can.
One more thing...
What about the individual who experiences these symptoms yet is unable to embrace them without becoming a danger to herself or others?
This is the primary use, in my opinion, for medication -- on a temporary basis. Just to get through the crisis. The greatest atrocity of the mental health system is dooming a human being to taking powerful, mind-altering drugs for the rest of her life.
This is what keeps me up at night. This is what fuels my passion as an advocate.
Before I answer, let me describe the symptoms I experience. I hate the word "symptoms" by the way because they are simply human experiences, yet for this post I'll use the term because it is the psychiatric term used in diagnosing specific, unwonted human experiences.
Depression. When I get depressed, I can't get out of bed. I have no motivation to do anything. All I can do is cry and think about dying. Life has no meaning whatsoever. I find no joy in any activity, and even lying in bed is painful. There is no escape. Nothing helps. I can't tolerate any social situation, and I don't answer the phone or the door. It's a miracle I am still alive today because suicide is the most comforting thought I carry. It allows me a sense of power amidst all the powerlessness that depression brings.
Anxiety. When I am feeling anxious, life becomes overwhelming. I cannot handle noise or movement. It makes me want to scream and lash out and stop the chaos in any way possible. I feel jumpy and desperate and totally out of control. When I get this way, I can truly identify with the person who goes on a shooting spree. That is hard to admit, but it is so true. Again, that fantasy allows me a sense of power amidst the powerlessness that anxiety brings.
Dissociation. Dissociation, for me, is very similar to being in a state of shock. Everything around me becomes surreal. It's like I've been thrust into another reality where nothing is like it was before. Think of a time when you first heard the news of a loved one's unexpected death. That is similar to what dissociation is like for me, except there was no death. Also, my memory gets really bad, and time becomes warped and distorted.
Those are my three primary experiences and symptoms that have been diagnosed by psychiatrists since 1982. The actual diagnoses vary, depending on the psychiatrist, and some of them include Major Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and the list goes on. I've also been diagnosed with illnesses that have nothing to do with the symptoms I described. You see, once I got into the system, I developed other behaviors simply from the side effects from the medications I was given or from trying to survive in a psychiatric hospital or day program. These added behaviors were diagnosed with things like Chronic Undifferentiated Schizophrenia, Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizo Affective Disorder, and the list goes on.
These are the reasons I do not believe in the existence of mental illness. The system simply can't get it right, most likely due to the fact that there are no scientific tests for any mental illness. Psychiatrists -- and NAMI -- will tell you that brain scans show differences in the brain chemistry of people with these illnesses, but hey, they failed to stop the medications before scanning the brains. Those scans are of chemically-altered brains! Other explanations are possible, too, like childhood trauma, which is the most prevelant occurance in people who have been diagnosed with a mental illness. But this whole brain-chemistry topic is for another post. It gets pretty involved.
So what do I do when those symptoms occur that I described above?
I embrace them. I honor them for what they are and I feel them for all they are worth. If I am depressed, I feel the depression as if I were being paid to describe to someone what depression is like. I describe it as I am feeling it. I don't try to distract myself from it the way everyone advises me to do. I hear things like "Take a walk, call a friend, go out with friends, exercise, do anything except feel the depression, you are only dwelling on it and it will make things worse, and for godssake don't isolate!" I used to feel so guilty for not being able to follow their advice. Not anymore! I will dwell on my depression. I will isolate. I will remove myself from all of society and I will treat myself to whatever my heart desires. That usually means isolating and wallowing in depression and crying my heart out for no reason. There is movement in crying! There is healing. I cry as deeply as my body will allow, and the exhaustion that follows is the most healing experience of all. And "healing" does not mean that the depression is over. It may be around for a while, and that is okay. It is not something that needs to be healed. Depression is simply another human experience, and by god, I am going to experience it!
So what happens when you stop trying to cure depression? The only thing constant is change, and that includes depression. It is always temporary, and you can count on it.
Allowing depression to run its natural course ultimately allowed me to become a more compassionate and empathetic human being than I ever was before. These traits are priceless and eternal. No SSRI could ever accomplish that. Not even close.
Intolerance for noise and movement peaked when I lived in the downtown high rise. The chaos was constant, and my cockatiel Jake added to the chaos every day. I was nearly at the point of hurting that precious little bird, and that's when I realized I absolutely had to find a way to cope with my anxiety. So I began paying attention to the chaos, soaking it in, refusing to try and make it go away, no longer believing that I would find peace if it all stopped. I said "Bring it on!" and I meant it. I observed myself experiencing the chaos and knew that I was safe in the midst of it. It is an amazing, transformational process of surrender, which has far greater value than anything Xanax can offer.
This method also worked with Dissociation. The diagnosis used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder. If I have other personalities inside of me, why not get to know them and embrace them and learn from them? They are there for a reason, and they are me! I could write a whole post on this subject alone (and maybe I will), but trying to fight off any aspect of myself, whether it is depression, anxiety, or multiple personalities, is only denying myself yet another human experience. I refuse to do that anymore. I have a right to experience being human because I am human!
So, what really happens when I embrace all these symptoms rather than fix (mask) them through psychiatric "treatments"? Hmmmm.... well, I very rarely have any of these symptoms anymore, and when I do, they don't last nearly as long. To be honest, I can't remember details of their recurrences anymore because they don't stand out like they used to. They are no longer "bad" or "horrible" in my mind or my experience, so why make a note of them? It's like having a rainy day. Who cares? It just happens. Anyway, my goal was never to make the symptoms go away. It just happened.
Probably the greatest benefit of using this method is the lack of fear and guilt I now have toward any of these symptoms creeping into my life.
I truly believe I am on to something here.
I also use this method for other things that are uncomfortable, like quitting smoking. I didn't use any distractions like gum or exercise whenever I would have a craving, which was constant in the beginning. I felt the craving, even invited it. And of course the cravings subsided. I have no desire to smoke anymore, but if the desire creeps in, I take the time to feel it and embrace it. Feelings can't kill you, but smoking can.
One more thing...
What about the individual who experiences these symptoms yet is unable to embrace them without becoming a danger to herself or others?
This is the primary use, in my opinion, for medication -- on a temporary basis. Just to get through the crisis. The greatest atrocity of the mental health system is dooming a human being to taking powerful, mind-altering drugs for the rest of her life.
This is what keeps me up at night. This is what fuels my passion as an advocate.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Bipolar or Waking Up? 1of 5: The Start of the Journey
This is the story of Sean's journey through a five-part video series. It is the most remarkable story I have heard in a long, long time. I posted all five videos on the Faces of Recovery blog, and I highly recommend that you watch them. You won't be sorry!
Friday, July 20, 2007
A salad so healthy it will make you sick
This is just for fun to try out my new tripod. I'm making my favorite dish, and Angel is helping me!
Monday, July 16, 2007
CNN is on my shit list
I can see where this country is headed. All these years of fighting for rights for people labeled mentally ill and CNN could shoot that all down in one weekend. The mentally ill should be locked up so everyone else will feel safer. This is the attitude I've been getting ever since the VA Tech shootings. I saw it coming, even back then. It's a new public outcry for outpatient commitment. We could have avoided VA Tech if outpatient commitment were strictly enforced, right? Wrong!
Cho would have been released from outpatient commitment. He would have had fresh anger upon his release, too. That's the gift the mental health system offers. It cannot prevent violence because it perpetuates it. I was never violent until I stepped through those doors. Let all lawmakers be forced into outpatient medications and case management for one month. Let's see if they will continue to advocate for stricter outpatient commitment laws.
How could outpatient commitment possibly be the answer to potentially violent behavior?
We are human beings, all of us. With human beings comes all the good and all the bad. It's called human nature, and it's been around since Day One of human existence. It has nothing to do with a label you are given. You are human no matter what, and you either have the capacity to kill or you don't. I seriously doubt that punishing people ahead of time is going to stop human nature from being what it is.
Right now the public sits in ignorance. That can't last forever, not in this day and age. Thanks to the drug companies, more and more people are experiencing the mental health system. More and more people are learning what "treatment" really means. People will soon become as intolerant as I have. I see this coming just as I did the public outcries for outpatient commitment. It's just a matter of time. Meanwhile I will do whatever it takes to protect myself and others from outpatient commitment, and wait patiently.
Cho would have been released from outpatient commitment. He would have had fresh anger upon his release, too. That's the gift the mental health system offers. It cannot prevent violence because it perpetuates it. I was never violent until I stepped through those doors. Let all lawmakers be forced into outpatient medications and case management for one month. Let's see if they will continue to advocate for stricter outpatient commitment laws.
How could outpatient commitment possibly be the answer to potentially violent behavior?
We are human beings, all of us. With human beings comes all the good and all the bad. It's called human nature, and it's been around since Day One of human existence. It has nothing to do with a label you are given. You are human no matter what, and you either have the capacity to kill or you don't. I seriously doubt that punishing people ahead of time is going to stop human nature from being what it is.
Right now the public sits in ignorance. That can't last forever, not in this day and age. Thanks to the drug companies, more and more people are experiencing the mental health system. More and more people are learning what "treatment" really means. People will soon become as intolerant as I have. I see this coming just as I did the public outcries for outpatient commitment. It's just a matter of time. Meanwhile I will do whatever it takes to protect myself and others from outpatient commitment, and wait patiently.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Click to play (link goes off site)Sunday, July 08, 2007
Say 'no' to New York State forced electroshock
I can't believe what I'm reading about New York's policy on forced ECT. Could you imagine for one minute being dragged against your will to a room specifically designed for shock treatments? People in the mental health field will tell you that forced ECT doesn't happen in the US. WRONG! It is happening right now in New York to a woman named Simone who speaks very little English. From what I am reading, it looks as if language barriers allow for forced TORTURE! I am appalled and horrified at this entire situation. THIS is the reason ECT should be outlawed, and the sooner the better.
The argument against it is that some patients may choose to have it, especially if nothing else has helped their depression. My answer to this argument is that I've never heard this argument coming from someone who has actually had ECT.
But the biggest reason I have for outlawing ECT is the capacity for abuse. If our mental health system had no capacity for abuse, ECT may not be as horrible as it is today. The actual treatment would still be horrible, but at least there would be informed consent involved. But because it is given to people against their will, or coerced when they are inpatient (I've witnessed this many times), it should be outlawed.
Nobody ever deserves to have their brain forcibly damaged by doctors. How ridiculous does that sound? Having your brain damaged by doctors? That is what is happening.
So if you want to read the details of what this woman is going through, and especially if you want to take action, go here.
The argument against it is that some patients may choose to have it, especially if nothing else has helped their depression. My answer to this argument is that I've never heard this argument coming from someone who has actually had ECT.
But the biggest reason I have for outlawing ECT is the capacity for abuse. If our mental health system had no capacity for abuse, ECT may not be as horrible as it is today. The actual treatment would still be horrible, but at least there would be informed consent involved. But because it is given to people against their will, or coerced when they are inpatient (I've witnessed this many times), it should be outlawed.
Nobody ever deserves to have their brain forcibly damaged by doctors. How ridiculous does that sound? Having your brain damaged by doctors? That is what is happening.
So if you want to read the details of what this woman is going through, and especially if you want to take action, go here.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Faces of Recovery: Sherry Jenkins-Tucker, CPS
Sherry is the Executive Director of the Georgia Mental Health Consumer Network. She has something to say about recovery...
Friday, June 29, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Faces of Recovery: Bob Patterson, CPS
This is the latest video in my "Faces of Recovery" series. Bob Patterson is the Project Director for the CPS Project. He is also a friend of mine. This is his story.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Celebrating my first DVD
Beth and I went out to dinner after viewing my first full-length DVD of the Louisiana Peer Support training. Beth was so moved by the film, it was more interesting to watch her reaction rather than to watch the film! She has been such an angel to me. I honestly don't think I would be at the point I am without her encouragement and sheer belief in me. She pushes me to the limit sometimes, especially when I don't feel ready to step outside my comfort zone . If I waited until I was "ready" I doubt I would be holding this DVD in my hand right now. I have an actual product I can use now to show people what I do. It's like my new business card. I plan to sell the DVDs I make from now on, and this will help offset some of the expenses involved. I will also be posting segments on this blog of whatever project I am working on at the time. Tomorrow I'll be going to another training called "I Have a Story to Tell: Trauma Transformation Peer Support." It's a small training being held over 2 days, but I know all the people in the training -- and Beth is the instructor. All the participants know I am coming and they are welcoming me into the classroom for filming! Considering that the subject matter is highly personal, this is a huge thing for any filmmaker!
The good news I promised to tell you at a later date is:
(drum roll please)
I quit smoking! Totally! For good! Forever! I've also been hitting the gym every day -- and I even went swimming yesterday! I haven't been swimming - in an actual swimsuit - for about 20 years. So there are many boxes I am stepping out of, and it feels wonderful!
I feel like my life has just taken off, and I am riding the wave and having a blast!
I hope you enjoy the video. It was made fresh after the first viewing of my first film. It is an event to celebrate, and I feel like the Universe is celebrating with me.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Faces of Recovery
These remarkable individuals are from the Peer Support Outreach training in Louisiana. Each one of them touched my heart in a way that I will never forget. I am so grateful that I was able to meet them face to face and gather so much video footage. They all had something to say! In this video, they talk about recovery, and they show us what recovery looks like. This is also the first video posted to my new blog Faces of Recovery and it includes a short intro of this new video project.
Meet the true faces of recovery in Louisiana!
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